I’ve been working with another visualization lately. This one is supposed to help me realize what I’m hoping a second child will bring me; how I assume a second child will change my life for the better. What impossible expectations am I placing on this tiny, helpless creature who doesn’t even yet exist?
Many of my hopes were obvious: I expect another baby will bring me joy, happiness, contentment, peace. One feeling that pulsed inside me with great urgency was the ability to let go, the desire to be DONE. I believe when I have another baby I can finally GET ON WITH MY LIFE.
Except, I’m not sure what I want my life to even look like. Right now it’s so easy to hide behind the goal of having another child; I can put off everything else until then. It doesn’t make sense to change jobs if I might get pregnant. I don’t really have the bandwidth to start any new projects when infertility requires so much time and energy. Right now I have the luxury of just pushing all that aside. I can pretend, for now, like it doesn’t exist.
If we have another child, I will be faced with THE REST OF MY LIFE. There will be no more big events to hide behind; I will have achieved all my life goals. I should, for all intents and purposes, be happy, contented, joyful, carefree.
But what happens if I’m not? What happens if the day to day still feels grueling? If my relationship continues to be in jeopardy? If I still feel that something is missing?
I can’t possibly expect another child to fill the perceived holes in my life, to take the shape of everything else that is missing, because I KNOW there is more I need to feel truly fulfilled than just another child.
I don’t want to lay these heavy burdens on a future baby. I want to have this all figured out long before he or she makes his or her way to us. I owe it to our future child (who I hope is coming) and I owe it to my future self.
Heck, I owe it to myself right here and now.
So, now I have to answer the hard questions: What do I need to be fulfilled? And how can I achieve those things?
What is it I plan to do with my one wild and precious life?
More than ever before I recognize how truly precious life is, how precious MY life is. It would be a crime to waste it. I owe it to the universe, to all that is see and unseen, to make the most of my short time here. I feel a great responsibility to use my time wisely, to look back with pride on what I’ve done.
Maybe it’s as difficult as a job change, as drastic as a career move, as simple as a daily meditation practice. But something… sometime has to change.
Now I just have to figure out what it is and make it happen.