The other day, I realized something pretty shocking. Pregnant bellies and small babies don’t torment me the way they once did. Now, it’s more the families of four–no matter what their age–that make my heart ache, that remind me of what we might never have.
I think at some point along the way–after our diagnoses, once I had accepted our dismal chances of having another child at all–I started to let go of my dreams of being pregnant again. It’s no longer about whether we get a BFP next month or this summer with our IUI or ever, really. Now my primary goal is to end this journey with a family of four, whenever and however that is possible. That is what I REALLY want. And I’m willing to
At some point, my focus shifted. Now I’m playing the long game.
Would I love to be pregnant and have another child with genetic connections to Mi.Vida and me? Absolutely. I would be honored to carry and birth another baby. I would be thrilled to see how our second child would look, what he would be like, how she would relate to her sister. Completing our family of four with another biological child would be an incredible miracle, one I would cherish always.
But the truth is, I would cherish any child that made his or her way into our family. I would consider a child that came to us through foster-adoption, or donor embryo (I’m just starting to look into this) just as miraculous. I want to complete our family and I would be honored to welcome any child that found his or her way to us.
If it were just up to me, I KNOW we would have another child, some how, some way. But it’s not just up to me. We are a family and I have to consider my partner’s feelings and my daughter’s best interests. Any decision must be made together, taking into account everyone’s wants and needs.
Having a biological child is obviously the easiest way to arrive at our hoped for destination, but it’s also the most impossible and thankfully it is not the only chance we have. I just hope that no matter what, we can become a family of four. That is my greatest wish.