An apology

When I wrote those posts last week about the perceived need to display one’s credentials and the suggestion by some that women who are more resolved in their infertility are less able to represent the community as a whole in wider forums, I was trying to tackle phenomena that I had seen before but was being illustrated recently by specific situations. The problem is that when I chose to include that specific situation in my post, I further insighted inappropriate comments and discussions by trolls (though not on my site, and not to my knowledge) against the women involved in the entity I used to illustrate my point. I also did all this without ever addressing that entity specifically, or presenting my thoughts on that entity and the women involved, which further allowed for a proliferation of negativity toward them.

I want to apologize to the women of Bitter Infertiles for my insensitivity in dragging them into a discussion that was meant to be bigger than them but that I rested squarely on their shoulders. Even if a discussion on their podcast sparked these thoughts, I should have left their specifics out of it.

I see now that by discussing them specifically I made my discussion about them specifically, but since I didn’t actually make my thoughts on their specific situation known, I allowed others to make generalizations based on what I wrote. I want to make clear that I have the utmost respect for Mo, Cristy and Shelly and their incredible podcast. I listen to their weekly shows and enjoy them very much. I respect the work that they are doing and I have even offered to participate if they ever tackled an issue that would benefit from my limited experience. I absolutely believe that they will do an incredible job continuing to address all the myriad aspects of infertility, no matter what their future experiences happen to be.

I also want to make clear that it doesn’t really matter what I, or anyone else, thinks about whether or not they “should” be spokespeople for our cause on The Bitter Infertiles podcast. Mo created (and continues to maintain) that podcast and Cristy and Shelley have worked on it from the beginning. That production is their own and it shouldn’t matter one iota what any of the rest of think about it. Bitter Infertiles BELONGS TO THEM. And it is not my business, nor anyone else’s, what they choose to talk about or where they are in their journeys. If I don’t like it, I can stop listening, and so can anyone else.

I see now that my posts didn’t express those sentiments at all, in fact they may have expressed different sentiments entirely. And for that I apologize. I obviously overstepped my bounds to the detriment of others. I thought I was tackling a thought provoking discussion but instead I ended up commenting on a specific situation without addressing that situation specifically. And I apologize profusely for that error.

I also want to thank Mo, who took the time to explain my missteps kindly and carefully, even when it was I who hurt her and to Cristy who responded to my faux pax with such diplomacy and grace. For that I am very grateful. I humbly apologize again for hurt I caused you Mo, Cristy and Shelley.

{I am shutting down comments on this post (and deleting the ones that were previously made). The purpose was to make an apology, and nothing else. Thank you for understanding.}

3 responses

  1. I read your post exactly as you meant for it to be read. I was stunned when I saw that some took it the wrong way. Infuriated, actually. I don’t think you owe an apology – what you wrote was such a great discussion-starter and not once did I think you felt that those who were resolved could not represent the IF community.

    Sigh.

  2. I don’t think you have anything to apologize for either. I thought your posts were thoughtful and meant to promote discussion. I read them as a response to the mess that Bitter Infertiles was going through not as an attack on them. I even thought you said that those who are resolved can still make great spokespeople for the community. I was shocked too when I saw the fingers pointed at you.

  3. I missed the finger pointing drama. Can someone clue me in? E, I thought you used BI for illustrative purposes and was in no way thoughtless or malicious.

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