Today was… intense.
So many tears fell today. Tears of gratitude. Tears of fear. Tears of hope. Tears of frustration. Tears of rage. Tears of exhaustion.
First there was the amazing Faces of ALI post and all the wonderful comments. I cried reading each and every one. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude, so overwhelmed with support. That Faces of ALI post was a gift unlike any other I’ve ever received. Thank you Jjiraffe. Thank you.
Then there was our first consult with the RE. I guess it was a good visit. We learned a lot (well, Mi.Vida did). We have a tentative plan and I suppose it’s good to know what our next steps are. But I will admit, I left the appointment feeling sad. I could tell Mi.Vida did too. We had tense conversations all the way home. We got in dumb arguments over stupid shit. It’s clear that we’re suffering from sticker shock. The RE, and everything he entails, is just so expensive. The first appointent cost us $5 a minute for fuck’s sake. An SA at his office, which Mi.Vida needs to do next week, will be another $200. The blood work he wants done for me is another $400 (if my doctor won’t order it) and the blood work for Mi.Vida is $250. All of this is before we’ve even done anything yet.
And who knows when we might do anything. That is very much up in the air right now. We need to get Mi.Vida’s second sample back to see what his numbers are like. If the results are similar to or better than the last sample we can pursue IUI. If they are worse, he’ll recommend we go straight to IVF. Which we can’t afford so…
I am also gumming up the works. I have a cyst on my right ovary (I think it was my right) and if it’s not gone by the start of my cycle (which is still totally AWOL, since that short course of BCPs last month) I’ll have to take BCPs again for another month or two until it’s gone. Then I’ll take Clomid and we’ll see if my ovaries actually respond to it.
All in all, I guess I’m glad we went. It’s clear we have issues. My doctor does believe that my diminished ovarian reserve (which was confirmed by the low number of follicles seen on the ultrasound) is part of what is preventing us from getting pregnant. I guess it messes with the hormones, causing my abnormally short cycles and incredibly light periods. Mi.Vida’s less than stellar sperm aren’t helping matters either.
I have to admit. It’s hard. We can’t really afford any of this. I’m looking for ways to make more money but there aren’t many. No one seems to need tutoring. I wouldn’t even know where to begin using my writing skills to make extra cash. I still have money in my “rainy day” account from my parents and I suppose I’ll just take more out of that if need be. That could cover at least the rest of the testing, a couple of non-indictable IUIs and maybe one injectables cycle.
Today I came home, feeling pretty down in the dumbs, and fooishly opened Facebook. There, at the top of my newsfeed, was the announcement of the birth of my cousin’s second child, a baby boy who arrived today, three weeks early. I totally lost it, just bawling my eyes out for the better part of an hour. Today my cousin welcomed her second child into the world, while I sat across from a doctor who told me all the many, expensive steps I’ll need to take for even the small chance at a having second child. It’s just so fucking unfair. And it makes me so mad even thinking about it.
I’m so scared. I’m terrified, really. I thought seeing an RE was going to make me feel more in charge of my own fate but instead I feel the opposite, careening out of control, on a collision course with a complete emotional breakdown. I truly don’t know how we’re going to manage this, both emotionally and financially.
Hope seems to have left the building.
I’m sorry this isn’t a more coherent post. I’m just in a really confused place right now. And I’m really hurting, and I don’t know what to say about any of it.
This is my 900th post by the way. I almost forgot to mention that.