Seems I spoke to soon

I guess it’s easy to feel validated and on top of things when I’m nestled safe within the confines of my therapist’s office, the real world held at bay, so far away. And I appreciate feeling that way there. But out in the real world, it’s harder.

This morning Mi.Vida and I had a talk about treatments and what we are able, and willing, to afford. It’s clear that we don’t have enough money for IVF. Our savings has been totally depleted by buying our house. Mi.Vida hasn’t been contributing to his 401K since he started at this new job (three years ago) and doesn’t feel comfortable drawing from it. My 403B (a teacher’s version of a 410K) surely has some money in it but probably not much; I’ve only contributed $300 a month for five or so years. Even if could scrounge the money together, it’s clear Mi.Vida would NOT be comfortable spending it. He’s already way to stressed out about our current finances. And the truth is, so am I. So…

IVF is off the table.

It is just not an option for us. At least not at this juncture. And with no opportunities to make more money in the near future, it probably won’t be anytime soon (and by soon I mean in the next 2-3 years, during which time we’d still consider trying for another child).

It’s good to know what your diagnosis is, it’s good to have an explanation for your infertility. But when those answers can’t actually bring you closer to the treatments you need, it all feels kind of useless. What is the point of all of this KNOWING if we can’t use that knowledge to make the best choices? What’s the point when the best choices aren’t choices for us?

I took all this sad reality with me to the zoo today where I was assaulted by beautiful families of two and three and four children at every turn. I tried not to let it get me down, and for a large portion of the morning I succeeded. But after two hours of it, I started to get really bummed out. I know there is a chance I could still have that, but the chance keeps getting smaller and smaller.

Tuesday is our first official appointment with an RE. I guess at this point all I can hope is that he’ll have some faith that IUI could be an answer for us. If he thinks it’s a waste of time and money it will be really hard to know how to proceed.

Mi.Vida’s urology appointment (which I made Friday afternoon) is in 2.5 weeks. If it is determined that a course of antibiotics might help it would be three months AFTER that treatment before we could expect to see an improvement in his samples. It wouldn’t make sense to spend the little money we have on treatments before all that happens, so we’re talking June, July or August for any next steps. Of course we’ll TTC at home until that time comes but as my RE keeps reminding me, every time I don’t get pregnant “the old fashioned way” my chances the next month are even lower. So the summer it seems to be.

And that means we’ll be on this diet for at least that long. It’s been okay for me but really difficult for Mi.Vida. He says he feels hungry and low on energy all the time. I told him he doesn’t have to follow it all the time, that just participating at dinner would be fine by me, but he wants to do it, it just makes him miserable. I would much rather he be happier and eating some wheat and dairy (caffeine and alcohol I do expect him to avoid) than miserable sticking with the program; it’s simply not worth the grouchiness. He has seriously been in the worst mood this past week.

After some discussion on the subject of diets it became clear that Mi.Vida has NEVER altered his eating habits in any way. He’s never been on a diet or incorporated dietary restrictions into his life. He doesn’t know what it feels like to not eat what he wants to eat, when he wants to eat it. I couldn’t imagine! I’ve been on so many diets in my life, I don’t even think about denying myself that which I’m craving. I’ve done it WAY TOO many times over the years, it’s like second nature.

I guess all women are used to depriving themselves in some way or another. And I suppose men are much less accustomed to that. An interesting train of thought to be sure.

And kind of a sad one.

So much is tinged in sadness these days, even a fun trip to the zoo on a brilliantly sunny winter’s day. I guess that is the nature of this disease, it colors everything in your life, whether you want it to or not.

3 responses

  1. Can you tell me why it is that the quantity of your eggs is affecting your fertility? I’m sure you described it, but I don’t remember why. Does one not release every month?

    I think it’s wonderful that you guys are trying to get healthy. We are too and it SUCKS!!! And we aren’t limiting anything except calories! As I write this my stomach is rumbling and I’m craving pizza. Lord hell me.

    Hang in there. You’re going to get through this.

  2. I am so sorry that IVF is off the table and I hope you get the help you need. Sometimes you don’t need IVF and can still get preg with medication or other interventions, so I hope your RE can help. I was about to do IVF but thanks to a laparoscopy, and thyroid meds I got pregnant just before. I realize that’s just me, and everyone is different. I also want a second child and DH doesn’t want todo IVF so it better work again!

  3. You know, I was just thinking about part of your post the other day – the noticing of other families and pregnant people. I noticed, while at the grocery store, that I notice them far less now than I did 2-4 years ago. It’s amazing how something so small and simple can change so swiftly due to our own circumstances. Every person I noticed who was pregnant, or with a little baby, I’d think that they got pregnant AT me – like they were doing it to piss me off. I decided then to start thinking that everyone with a pregnant belly, a new baby, or more than one child had to go through what we went through to get there, and that helped. It helped a LOT. Sure, it was most likely not true for 85% of the people I saw, but it was true for 15% (statistically), and I had no idea who was, and was not, in that 15% – so I just told myself they all were. I found myself noticing them less and less often.

    This is such a tough road, and given that you’re not sure where you’ll end up, makes my approach (above) not that helpful, I know. You’re in such a place of insecurity and uncertainty – it just sucks. It sucks big time. I hate it for you.

    I think of you daily – no – more than daily. I hope your appointment today goes OK/well.

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