“This sucks. It will get better.”

Things suck right now, but they will get better.

And there’s not much else to say about it.

It’s not even just the infertility stuff that sucks right now. Both of our jobs are pounding us, Mi.Vida’s especially. Mi.Vida is incredibly smart and has an intense work ethic but he doesn’t handle stress well. This past month, the last two weeks especially, have been incredibly stressful and he is just not managing it well.

Things at my work are, as you know, pretty horrible.

We come home at night tense and tired. Exhausted, really, and still with so much to do. By the time Isa is down we have to clean up all the dishes from earlier in the day with Isa, then cook for ourselves and clean all of that up again. Then there is laundry to do, general picking up of crap around the house (which doesn’t happen many nights, resulting in a total shit hole of a home), feeding the cat and doing her box–all the little things that need to happen lest our lives totally implode. By the time we collapse under the covers at night, we’ve barely said a word to each other.

Most nights we coexist in protracted, stony silences.

I don’t mention all the times I’ve cried that day, or how hopeless I feel. He doesn’t tell me how frustrated he is that he has to make dinner when all he wants to do is sit on the coach and decompress.

When we do talk our words are tinged with anger and resentment. We don’t keep score but the tally marks hover, invisible, between us. When both partners make the same amount of money, the expectation for an even divide at home seems warranted. And yet we always fail to maintain it.

So many of our conversations end abruptly, the declaration being made though know one says it: Things are shit right now. Some day they will be better but right now they are shit. And there isn’t anything else we can do but keep walking through the shit until we get to the other side.

I just hope that we get there together, that we don’t lose each other along the way.

12 responses

  1. These are tough times right now. After all our testing was done there was a lot of sadness and tense silence.

    IF known as the dark days in our house can really REALLY stain a relationship.

    You just have to har faith and trust in each other. And chocolate.

  2. Yep. We’ve gone through the same Dark Time. Sucks. Really utterly sucks.

    I echo what Chon said – you have to have faith and trust in each other. And chocolate. And laughter. We laughed a lot. Sarcastic, bitter laughs, but it was laughing. Humor, for us, was the best way to communicate how much the whole situation sucked.

    Lots of love to all three of you.

    xoxo

  3. Oh this so spoke to me, we’ve definitely been through these times, and we make it through, and they come up again….
    I may not always comment E, but know that I am reading, and I am feeling for you all and sending my silent support. You guys are going through a lot, and showing such strength, I know you’ll make it through the other end, hand in hand.

  4. We went through a dark time too…I think all couples dealing with IF go through it. Hang in there, try to enjoy each other’s company, and it will get better!

  5. Oh, gosh. This sounds hard. I have no ideas or tips: we got through it, infertility, by the skin of our teeth. Someone (Mel?) once said there’s no way around infertility, you have to go through it. If there’s a way to get through it maintaining your sanity, ie lots of Alias, maybe less focus on chores if possible (let the dishes sit one night while you guys decompress, something to make life seem just a little bit less like horrible work.) Maybe you and Ben can agree on an amnesty for one night on chores and that night you can enjoy yourselves. Watch a movie or something? And you can look forward to that night?

  6. I think most, but not all, couples go through this at some point or another, and many couples go through it several times. I will say that we are in a rut right now – a very difficult one. I read this post of yours this morning as I was waiting for my therapist to come get me for a highly-anticipated session. I am in counseling to help me get through this awful phase.

    IF makes these phases of a marriage even harder. You feel like the walls are caving in, and then you throw work problems into the mix and it’s just a recipe for silence and discomfort. I think this usually passes, but sometimes it does not. I am fighting like hell to get our phase to pass, and we’re not dealing with IF issues right now. It’s so hard, and all we can hope for is that we come out of it together.

    I feel for you. I’m right there beside you, telling you (and myself) it will get better. It HAS to get better.

  7. Sometimes when we’re undergoing a lot of stress (like right now, or when we were first dealing with infertility), I try to remind myself and K that despite all the things we can’t control, having a strong relationship is something we can. We can’t fix our fertility problems or our other problems, but we can choose to love & support each other. Sometimes it seems like that is the ONLY thing we have to hold onto, so if we lose that, what do we have left?

    This is so cheesy, but I remember when K and I had The Conversation about exactly what steps we were willing to take to have a baby, he sat down in an armchair. I was going to sit on the couch, but he said no, come sit in my lap. Sitting opposite each other, it would’ve been easy to get oppositional, but seated like that, I really remembered we were in it together. (ok, maybe that was too cheesy to admit. but it’s true)

    Hugs to you. It WILL get better.

  8. Like other commenters, we’ve gone through the dark times, too. We had to make an effort to spend more quality time together, because everything was just turning into one big fight. It took a lot of time, but it did get better in the end, once we realized we were on the same page. *Hugs*

  9. Yes. It won’t suck forever.

    Can you change the “protracted stony silences” to being simply “exhausted loving silences” where you don’t have to do anything but hold hands? I know when I made that kind of change, it helped me.

    I have also been thinking about your feelings about your job after your last few posts. I’ve had jobs I loved, and jobs I’ve hated. One job in particular, I would feel my spirits start to sink on a Sunday afternoon, then every morning, as I was walking from the train to the office, I could feel the darkness fall. And when I was transferred to another division, with different colleagues and bosses, to a job I enjoyed and was good at, and after a couple of weeks, my husband commented happily “I have my wife back.” I am now firmly of the view that we shouldn’t stay in jobs that give us no pleasure, that make us so stressed, and that have such a detrimental effect on the other parts of our lives, our relationships, our health and energy, etc. I know it’s easier said than done to suggest “you need a different/new job.” But I think you do – it’s piling more and more stress on top of the stress you have with normal life/infertility that you don’t have the power to change.

  10. Emotionally you may both be at your wits end but your devotion to each other and your daughter will go a long way to moving you through this stress-filled, difficult period. The very rational way that you’ve outlined the competing demands on your respective time and attention demonstrates how well you understand not only each other, but what you need to make it better. Understanding the problem is the first step to solving it…

  11. You are right- this won’t last forever, but it’s SO hard in the moment. My husband and I are incredibly stressed right now, and I have to make a conscious effort not to snap at him for 90% of what I say to him. I really hope you guys can have a relaxing weekend- and I am so, so sorry things are so hard at both home and work right now.

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