Things suck right now, but they will get better.
And there’s not much else to say about it.
It’s not even just the infertility stuff that sucks right now. Both of our jobs are pounding us, Mi.Vida’s especially. Mi.Vida is incredibly smart and has an intense work ethic but he doesn’t handle stress well. This past month, the last two weeks especially, have been incredibly stressful and he is just not managing it well.
Things at my work are, as you know, pretty horrible.
We come home at night tense and tired. Exhausted, really, and still with so much to do. By the time Isa is down we have to clean up all the dishes from earlier in the day with Isa, then cook for ourselves and clean all of that up again. Then there is laundry to do, general picking up of crap around the house (which doesn’t happen many nights, resulting in a total shit hole of a home), feeding the cat and doing her box–all the little things that need to happen lest our lives totally implode. By the time we collapse under the covers at night, we’ve barely said a word to each other.
Most nights we coexist in protracted, stony silences.
I don’t mention all the times I’ve cried that day, or how hopeless I feel. He doesn’t tell me how frustrated he is that he has to make dinner when all he wants to do is sit on the coach and decompress.
When we do talk our words are tinged with anger and resentment. We don’t keep score but the tally marks hover, invisible, between us. When both partners make the same amount of money, the expectation for an even divide at home seems warranted. And yet we always fail to maintain it.
So many of our conversations end abruptly, the declaration being made though know one says it: Things are shit right now. Some day they will be better but right now they are shit. And there isn’t anything else we can do but keep walking through the shit until we get to the other side.
I just hope that we get there together, that we don’t lose each other along the way.