Reclaiming This Body

Thank you all for your very sage wisdom on the diet issue. It really helped me come to a place of peace on the whole thing.

I think I will continue with the diet, but I will do so because I want to give this to my body, I want to give it a chance to thrive, to take care of it after so many months of despising it so intensely. I want to find peace in my own skin, to nurture myself physically as well as emotionally.

The truth is I hardly recognize this body anymore.

Last night I went to yoga (for the first time in forever) and I was acutely aware of how foreign this vessel now feels. The extra 12+ pounds are cumbersome, especially in less forgiving clothes. My boobs are still swollen and sore; when I laid down they were a tender annoyance below me, always in the way. They felt like someone else’s breast, that is how wholly I failed to recognize them.

I’ve been spotting for four days. I never spot. My breasts are too big. My clothes don’t fit. After the BCPs and the testing, this body is aching to be reclaimed. And I want to do that.

The jury is still out on the group cleanse. I need to get more information. I want to make clear that it is not some intense all-juice-with-bits-of-boiled-cabbage-thrown-in kind of cleanse. Its purpose is to avoid common allergens and other foods that are thought to gum up the works by eating whole foods–mostly fruits, vegetables, meats and some ancient grains. It’s basically the diet I’m already attempting, maybe ramped up a few notches. There will definitely be smoothies, but I really like smoothies. So who knows. Mostly I need to look at my bank account and see if taking the hit is worth the collaborate support as I start this challenging overhaul.

I will admit that I do like the idea of a cleanse, both physically and figuratively. My body needs to detoxify from the stress of the last year almost as much as my attitude does. And this cleanse might be just the ticket. It doesn’t just focus on what to eat, but also on attitude and expression. There are mindfulness meditation exercises every day and chances to reflect and share those reflections. I have to admit, I’m intrigued and I don’t wonder if having something positive like this to focus on during this month of waiting and standing still might not be just what I need. Maybe this cleanse will provide just the opportunity I need to maintain this feeling of peace I’ve achieved.

Until I decide, I’ll be staying away from my old friends bread and cheese and saying hello to some nutrient-rich whole foods. Haha, if only it were that “easy.”

Wish me luck.

6 responses

  1. I don’t know anything about cleansing or fertility diets. What I can tell you is that I started counting my calories in order to lose some weight right after my miscarriage this fall. And, like you, it felt like it was the only thing I could control in my life, so why not?

    As of this morning, I am down 10lbs – the lowest weight I’ve been in my adult life – and I can’t tell you how much better I feel. Literally and figuratively lighter, in a lot of ways. I feel more connected with my body as well. It’s been good for me.

    Wishing you the same as you embark on this. I have to think that anything which will help you FEEL BETTER, at the end of the day, is helpful.


  2. so glad you’re feeling better about everything! the cleanse sounds much more healthy and rejuvenating than the crash diet I think of (mind went directly to “master cleanse, which, scary!”). Good luck whatever path you choose and I hope you feel more centered and at home in your body again. feeling foreign in your own skin is never fun.

  3. It’s amazing what a difference 10 (or 12) pounds can make. People may scoff, but I feel so much better at the lower weight. And I mean how my body feels, not how I feel about it. So much more energy and ability! It was a surprise to me.
    So I send you strength and well being. Hoping as always you’ll share as you go along, in case something may help the rest of us in our journeys.

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