Lately it feels like everyone is moving forward and I am standing still. We don’t even know what we’re dealing with yet really and everyone else is calendaring treatments or ticking off trimesters or planning next steps. And we’re just… treading water.
But there is one thing we can do. We can start a fertility diet and stick to for at least 3-4 months. That is the one thing we CAN do. By eating a certain way we can ensure that when we are ready to move forward when the time comes, we will know that we’ve given ourselves the best shot at success.
The problem is, I don’t want to do it.
I hate diets. I spent so many years on them and I grew to absolutely despise them. I hate the feelings of deprivation and insatisfaction. I hate wanting something I can’t have. I hate pretty much everything about a regimented eating plan. I have spent the last five years of my life eating what I want, when I’ve wanted. I have a healthy relationship with food. I don’t want to fuck with that.
The other problem is, I do want to do it.
I know this diet is a good thing. It’s the RIGHT kind of diet. It’s about whole foods and nourishment. It’s about eating what my body needs to run well. It is the only thing I can do for myself at a time when I have absolutely no control over anything else. There is every reason to believe that I will feel better if I eat this way; that I will have more energy and be less moody. I will almost definitely loss weight, which at this point is almost a necessity as even my most “comfortable” pants don’t fit and my trusty skinny (but oh-so stretchy) jeans have a massive hole in the knee that is impervious to patches and gets bigger, and more work-inappropriate, by the day.
I really want to follow this whole food eating plan. And I really, really don’t want to too.
This is the email I sent Mi.Vida about it earlier today.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been avoiding this for all these months for the same reasons you mentioned. I know where are stretched to capacity and that meal planning is maybe the biggest challenge and stress that we face. The last thing I want to do is cause more stress to our, and especially your, life
At the same time I feel we have “crossed the Rubicon” (as you so eloquently put it) on this fertility stuff and our tests indicate that both of us could benefit from some help and these kinds of diet changes have been shown to help quite a bit.
Mostly I want to give us the best possible chance of conceiving on our own so that when we turn to (expensive, time consuming) medical interventions we know that we gave our bodies the best shot of succeeding WITHOUT interventions and also that we have the best possible chance of benefiting from those medical interventions when they become necessary.
And who knows, we may feel much better (and lose some unwanted weight) if we make these changes.
. . .
I KNOW we can’t totally overhaul our diet without going crazy. And we don’t have to. But I do think we owe it to ourselves to make some healthy changes. We are on the path to investing a considerable sum on the hopes for our future family. I would hate to look back and regret not doing more to prepare ourselves.
. . .
Thank you for being open minded about this, and for being honest about your concerns, all of which I share. I hope we can make this happen, and even if you don’t end up doing it yourself in the mornings or at lunch, we’ll both benefit from healthier dinners.
It sounds so important–and doable–when I say it like that (which was my point) and yet I JUST DON’T WANNA.
I feel so much resentment that this is my life. That I HAVE to do this diet and that I’ll never actually know if it made any difference. I hate how amorphous and hard to pin down infertility is. I hate I have to mess with a VERY hard-won positive relationship with food so that I can avoid future guilt. I hate that I can’t have the small little treats that make my daily existence less grueling and more enjoyable, like cheese and bread or extra-hot hot chocolate with whip or even unfiltered apple juice heated up with a stick of cinnamon. I hate that this will cost us money and time that we DON’T HAVE and create stress in a relationship that is already pushed to the brink.
I’m just feel so much resentment about it.
And that is no way to go into something like this. But I just don’t know how else to do it.
My acupuncturist gave me the website of a friend of hers who is a life/health coach and is starting a group Cleanse* (yes, with a capital “C”) next Monday. I may join that, though it costs a legitimate amount of money and I’m not sure if it will ultimately be worth it. I would appreciate the support, but I don’t want to hand over the cash. I never know if I should invest in these kinds of endeavors and how much. I’m just so lost and I have no energy or enthusiasm to find my way.
Blerg. Sorry for the whiny vent post. I’m just really in a bad head-space about this stupid fertility diet. I know it will be okay, no matter what we do, I just wish it didn’t have to be so hard in the mean time.
*CLARIFICATION: I want to make clear that the Cleanse is not a drastic, all juice diet where I eat only boiled cabbage. It is a gentle cleanse which basically consists of what I’m already trying to do: cut out processed foods and common allergens like white grains, sugar and dairy. Basically what it would provide is guidance and support and recipe advice for three weeks as I get started.