Green Tinted Glasses

I will admit, the green monster has been biting at my heels of late. My reader is full of pregnant women and new born babies and it’s getting hard to read those posts. I am, of course, so happy for these women. And it’s not even that I’m sad for me. It’s just that reading about all that, it makes what I don’t have feel so much more real. Like the absence of it is more palpable when I’m reading about other people having it. Posts about starting to wear maternity clothes or taking first baby bump photos or hearing the heartbeat or feeling the baby kick or writing a birth plan or staring into their newborn’s eyes or posting new born photos, they are all poignant reminders of what I’m trying, and failing, to achieving.

I don’t want to be jealous, or envious, but I am. I am. I’m embarrassed to say it, but I am. And it’s almost as hard to open my reader these days as it is to log into Facebook. It’s the blessing and the curse of this community I suppose; people who are trying to get pregnant eventually get pregnant. And while that brings us hope and happiness, it also stirs up other, more complicated emotions.

And I know I could step away but really, I don’t feel I have license too. And I also know many of these women still need support, because pregnancy is just one step in the long journey to a healthy baby and so much can still go wrong and they know it and it’s hard. Just like it was hard for me when I was pregnant. I don’t want people to ditch me if I’m ever the lucky one again and I’m still getting over the heartbreak of good blogging friends leaving me when my going got tough, so I can’t just step away. I can’t.

What I need is a serious attitude adjustment. What I need is a whole new set of glasses, preferably rose tinted, please.

What I need is my fucking medicine. Goddamn I’m so sick of not taking it.

What I need is to start mindfulness meditation again. To return to my yoga mat, which has been collecting dust since I first got sick over two months ago. What I need is to raise my heart rate and get some endorphins in my system.

What I need is to get fucking pregnant. 😉

Of course, I can only ensure that some of those positive changes come to pass. I just need to find the energy to make them happen. And hopefully if I do, an attitude change will follow. What’s hard is making those positive changes when your attitude is so negative. Those first weeks are so hard. And I just don’t know how I’m going to take the first steps to get myself somewhere better.

Fuck you depression. You fucking suck. You have stolen the better part of a year of my life. I will not let you steal the next one from me, no matter what horrible shit lies in wait. I just wish you weren’t such a formidable foe. I wish I stood more of a chance against you. But I will prevail.

Fuck you depression. I will fucking prevail.

7 responses

  1. Don’t you just hate feeling this way? I felt like this for over 2 years when we were trying to get pregnant with Matthew. Every announcement put me over the edge – and I hated myself for feeling so jealous of other people who were directly doing me no harm. It’s so hard. But it’s normal. I’ve said this in the past, but once we decide we want something, we want it NOW. Seeing others get what we’re trying for, even those who had to move heaven and earth to get there, is hard.

    I totally get it.

  2. I get it too- it must be so hard. I have tried really hard this pregnancy on my blog to be sensitive to those who are struggling to conceive while still being authentic about my excitement as well as fears. But I totally understand the jealousy- I feel it every time someone posts about thier baby’s first steps, or what new food they tried, etc. It’s hard when we are genuinely happy for others but at the same time sad for ourselves.

  3. I disagree with you. You said “And I know I could step away but really, I don’t feel I have license too.” You can step away. Sounds to me like you need to step away. Everyone would understand. And you will get back to those people. But you need to look after YOU right now. It would be different if you weren’t struggling. But you are – and so perhaps, right now, even just for a short break, I think you should step away, or at least, stop reading some of those blogs that are painful reminders. There’s nothing wrong with the way you feel – as Elizabeth said we have all felt it. What would be wrong would be to continue to torture yourself. It would be masochistic to keep reading. You deserve to feel better, and if having a little break helps you do that, then I think you should have a little break!

  4. Judging from the age of your child, I know exactly where you are at. We started ttc #2 in April 2009.. Now out son is 5, whinges for a sibling, I have just discovered my first grey hair, and at this age I’m considered ‘geriatric’ if there be a miracle and I suddenly appear ‘with child’. None of its easy. But I stepped back, not ashamed to say it at all. I’m not on blogger at all. And you want to know what soaked me right here right now? I got an email from a blogger I met in 2009, and she told me she had her 2nd baby earlier this month. It’s like a full relapse ever birth announcement and I jumped straight here to you to see what is going on in the IF blogging world. And im genuinely happy for her, she is a real beautiful soul.. But still, I was there when she had no kids and now she had 2. I’m human, it tugs the old heart strings.

    Now, my thing is, she hasn’t spoken to her in months. Not a word. So the purpose of the email was for…..? She could have emailed me whilst on maternity leave? The ‘genuine’ part kind of gets lost even though we do care a lot about each others family. I love to see mates succeed. I just hope they think I still can.. ?

    People are creatures of habit. When you haven’t heard from certain people in a while, then out of the blue you get a random “Hi” and you just know, that the next conversation will entail a pregnancy announcement. “if I had a dollar…” called a girl from mothers group on it on Skype of all things.

    But at the end of the day, it’s what we would be doing too. Go for it I say, if we could breed too I would be as proud. Surround yourself in gracious type people. Keep their news about them. Keep your issues about you. I had a mantra when I heard preg news.. “it’s not about me, my problem is not theirs”. It helped, but has taken over 3 yrs to get here!

    Power on… Xx

    Im a sure bet.. If I ever email, call, text, comment, or tweet you out of the blue, I’m a sure bet that I’m contacting you to actually say “Hi, how are you?” and I won’t have any other motive.

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