Sad Sack Shit

I’m feeling better physically. I was able to stomach toast and chicken soup today but everything else was utterly unappetizing. Isa seemed to feel much better too, though she ate close to nothing. We’re both headed to school tomorrow. I’m relieved to not be writing sub plans right now.

Emotionally I’m not doing so hot. The holidays are upon us. My daughter is absolutely mesmerized by the lights. Today it took us over 30 minutes to walk three blocks because she wanted to stop at every building with lights in the window.

There are moments when I am overcome with what I have. They are usually relatively trite happenings, like today when I was picking out Christmas picture books at the library or ordering the few gifts were getting Isa on Amazon. But those moments are the ones I thought of when I was pining for a first child and they are the ones that fill me with joy now that I have one.

Isa is on a naked kick right now (she sure picks the season for it as our house is COLD these days). Seeing her long, sinewy body reminds me of how old she is, that she is very much a little girl and not a baby. The farther she travels from babyhood the less I can remember what that time was like; how little they are, how soft their skin, how subtle their cry, how sweet their smell. I wonder if I’ll ever be reminded of all that again.

I used to make plans assuming I’d have another baby. Now, I notice, I do not. Sometimes I find myself obsessing over some purchase that is only necessary if we have another child. It takes me less and less time to realize those moments are all about what I’m scared I might never have and not about what I think we actually might need. It’s so much easier to stop the obsessing once I remember.

This weekend is my work’s Christmas party. Even if it weren’t being thrown at the über-fertile’s house I doubt I’d go. We announced our pregnancy with Isa at the staff Christmas party three years ago. When we started trying early this year I thought, at the very latest, we’ll be announcing our second pregnancy then too. I know I’ll spent the whole night thinking of that. I just don’t want to put myself through it. Especially when Mi.Vida can’t be there because we won’t have child care. The truth is I’m just not in a very festive mood and I can’t stomach the small talk at one of those things this year.

I’ve been reading memoirs and blogs about secondary infertility and I’ve noticed something. The majority of the ones I’ve come across don’t end in another live birth. Some end in no second child, some end in adoption but very few end in a second child. I have no idea what the statistics are for achieving a successful pregnancy when you’ve already achieved one before. I guess I assumed they were pretty good. Maybe they are and I’ve just come across a set of stories that don’t represent the norm. All I know is that the stories have left me feeling pretty down. They’ve squashed my fragile hope, or at least suspended it.

This month I think we hit ovulation well enough, I won’t be sure for another couple of days but I hope we’re done. When I was psyching myself up for sex last night I told Mi.Vida that we weren’t doing it to get pregnant, we were doing it to get the 12th month under our belts. I just want to cross the fucking finish line on this thing; I have absolutely no hope we’ll see two lines before Christmas.

I’m all set to get my blood work done during the next cycle. I’m all over Mi.Vida to get his SA done ASAP. The HSG might have to be pushed back two cycles because I guess you have to get it on CD10 and that will most likely be right in between Xmas and New Years which means there will probably be scheduling difficulties. That frustrates me but really I don’t mind all the much. The reality is that once we do all these tests we’ll have to wait awhile to save up the $3000 to do an IUI so I guess there is no reason to hurry. And while I do hold out hope that the HSG will be our magic ticket, it glows rather dim in my heart, certainly nothing to hold my breath about.

I know things aren’t really that bad. I know this struggle is only just starting. But honestly, with our financial constraints I don’t know how to be hopeful. We can’t afford much in the way of treatments and evidently our chances of getting pregnant on our own are pretty dismal. It’s hard to hold out hope, you know?

4 responses

  1. I don’t know how to tell you to keep the hope, since I don’t really have any myself. What I do know is that this sort of struggle is a marathon of sorts; you will have miles where you feel okay and hopeful and other miles where you question your ability to do something this hard.

    But at the end of the day, you are stronger than you believe, and you CAN get through this okay.

    That is all.

    Abiding with you.


  2. I hope your marathon goes smoothly and you find yourself at the end sooner rather than later. I’d also add that I think many/most people with secondary infertility who go on to have another child don’t talk about the infertility part at all, at least based on my tiny experience with it. The three families I know IRL who’ve experienced it haven’t mentioned the infertility component of things at all (one the kids are 4 years apart, the other 8 years apart, the third is adopting a second child and their first is 4) in any public forum. It’s either something too personal to mention or too unpleasant for others so nobody talks about it. It’s ok to be not fully hopeful, it’s part of life. Just keep going, get a plan in place, and remember hope is out there.

  3. Hope is a fickle lover. But we will hold her for you when you can’t hold on to her yourself. Because that’s what we do here, isn’t it? Sending love and light.

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