{I always wonder, how many other posts do I have with that exact same name. This is my 850th post and I’m running out of titles, but I’m too lazy to search my archives to see if I’m repeating a title, so I just throw it up there and hope for the best.}

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I’ve taken it all to heart, though I have to admit, there are moments where I furrow my brown in confusion; getting advice on treatments is so foreign to me, I feel like I’m reading comments on another blog. I still can’t really believe this is me, that we’re here, that we’re facing these next steps.

This disbelief is painfully clear in my assumptions, specifically my assumption that I will have another child. I’m pretty sure of it. In fact, I hardly doubt it at all.

Most of the time that brings me great comfort, but lately I’ve been wondering if it’s a huge mistake. I mean, I was also quite sure that we’d get pregnant this year. In fact, I was positive we’d have no problems. And yet here we are, calendaring Mi.Vida’s SA around this cycle’s scheduled sex and estimating when I’ll do lab work next month. Obviously my assumptions can be total horse shit, so maybe I shouldn’t take any stock in them at all.

Most of the time, these ruminations don’t matter much, but sometimes they affect important decisions. Take a recent debate that’s taken shape in our household over the past month or so. You may or may not remember that we used to have Isa in the back bedroom but that when our tenant moved in, and Isa’s sleeping went to shit, we realized we had to move her to the front room so she wouldn’t disturb the poor guy downstairs. The floor/ceiling in that room is so thin you can literally here him talking downstairs when you’re in there; and I don’t mean you can hear that he’s talking, I mean you can make out what he’s saying.

If we ever want a toddler to sleep in that room we need to do serious soundproofing. I looked into it and it will cost $1200 to soundproof the room (that includes professional grade sound proofing, labor and carpet). I never actually unpacked that room after we switched Isa’s room and the “office” so the space has been languishing as a depository for boxes of books and filing stuff that never made it back into the furniture that was moved. The idea of unpacking it all now, and then packing it back up, moving it all out to get it soundproofed/carpeted and then moving it all back in again, kind of makes me throw up in my mouth. I just CAN.NOT.DO.IT.

I think you can figure out where I’m going with this. I want to do it now, before we even unpack the room again, so that I can save myself time and effort. My thinking is, we NEED to do this before we move Isa back into that room, so we might as well do it now. The thing is we don’t have to move Isa into that room until we have another baby.

I’m so sure we’ll have another child it feels stupid to not get this done. But then again, maybe I’m being naive. Maybe I’ll be spending $1200 on this when really I’ll need way more than that to get treatments and in the end, I won’t even have another baby to put into that stupid room, and I’ll be angry at myself for wasting $1200 and ruining our hardwood floors.

Things are definitely tight for us financially right now. Even before I realized we didn’t have insurance coverage for infertility treatments I was planning on pulling out some cash from an account my mom set up for me a few years ago, “in case of a rainy day.” I felt I needed some extra padding in my savings account so I wasn’t worried about over drafting onto my bank VISA card every month. I could take out more of that money and use it for the sound proofing, and take out a bit more and have it for the initial tests and maybe even a first round of treatment. Right now it feels like a rainy day, but maybe it’s just a little over cast, and I have no idea what a real storm even feels like.

I’m just not sure what to do. I believe, in my heart, we’ll have another child. But who knows, maybe I’m just delusional. Every month I think it’s going to happen and every month it doesn’t. What makes me think one month, eventually, it will? The uncertainty of all this is so hard. I’m just not sure how to proceed. I wish I could see into the future. I wish I knew what to do.


{On an unrelated note I took all of your advice to heart and put Isa down a half an hour early today. That was at 7pm. It’s now 9:30 and she’s totally still awake, chattering away (after much crying earlier). Not sure if we should attempt early bedtime tomorrow, or if for Isa that is not the answer. All I know is I can’t have another night like last night, when she was up every hour for six straight hours. I just can’t do this shit anymore.}

One response

  1. No you cannot do this shit anymore… you need your sleep. Holy shit, I would lose my ever-loving mind!

    More assvice coming… here it is. Does the back room make more sense for Isa than the front room? It sounds to me like it does. If that’s the case, I would just do the soundproofing now so that you can get her into the room that makes the most sense for her – despite plans for another baby. Maybe her being in the front room is part of her sleeping problem. You need sleep, she needs sleep, the renter needs sleep (and privacy) – I would bite the bullet and do it. Can you open a HELOC to do it, or is it too soon since you just bought the house? That all depends on how much you put down, but it could be an option. What about just getting a $1,200 personal loan or line of credit?

    I would talk to a tax advisor as well about this – because that improvement on the home could be a business expense since you’re renting out the lower level – and could be tax-deductible to some extent. It should at least bring down your taxable income from the rent the guy is paying you. We rented out my husband’s old house and every single expense was used by our advisor to bring down our taxable income from the rental. Something to think about. That $1,200 could really only cost you $700 or so.

    Like you, I assume you will have another child 🙂

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