These past weeks have been relentless. Of course there is the relentless trying, and failing to get pregnant. Compounding that is the relentless cold I’ve been battling for over a month, which was just compounded again by ANOTHER fucking cold that I’m coming down with as we speak. I never even stopped coughing and I’m already sick with something else. Luckily this cold seems much more situated in my sinuses so hopefully the cough will still go away at some point before the new year.
Then there is the relentless sleep deprivation. My daughter sleeps through the night (and by this I mean for a five hour stretch from midnight to five a.m.) maybe once a week if I’m lucky. The other days she wakes up 2 or 3 or 4 times, sometimes it’s every hour. Gone are the days that a simple reminder that I’m right here sufficed. Now I have to sit by her crib for 5-10 minutes, battling to stay awake, only to curse the fact that I can’t fall back asleep when I finally return to my bed. The fact that I haven’t completed a REM cycle in months is not lost on me and I’m almost becoming accustomed to how shitty I constantly feel.
The sleep deprivation is making it extra hard to handle Isa’s frequent tantrums and complete meltdowns. That two year girl is testing boundaries at every opportunity and when she comes up against them (I try REALLY hard to enforce boundaries) she gets PISSED. Really fucking pissed. And while I’m feeling more confident in my ability to determine what appropriate boundaries are and how to gently but firmly keep her inside those boundaries, the reality is it’s a lot of work. It’s, well, relentless. And her reactions are so physical, so visceral, they can feel completely overwhelming.
Yes, these past weeks have been relentless. I feel buried under everything that is trying to tear my down, all these forcing conspiring to make me physically and emotionally weak. I keep muddling through my days but I’m barely making it through. Each night I lay down, so thankful that another day is over and each morning I wake up wondering how I’ll make it another 16 hours feeling as crappy as I currently feel.
Tomorrow is our class. All I can hope is it’s not a complete waste of two hours (and a sick day off work, I must admit, this cold has amazing timing since I was already planning on being out tomorrow). I just hope that I learn SOMETHING there. I just hope that after this dumb class I can quickly schedule our tests (which, because they will need to coincide with my next cycle (as this one just started on Saturday) will be happening over the Christmas holiday, (awesome right?) and then an appointment with an RE. Those are my meager expectations for tomorrow, that I’ll learn one thing, that it doesn’t prove too difficult to take the next steps, and that I don’t spend the entire time blowing my nose, sneezing and coughing. I guess I also hope they don’t kick me out when I show up looking like death warmed over, barely able to breathe.
Thank you all for your kind words of support in these past weeks. Just as my attitude has been relentlessly negative, you have all be relentlessly supportive, showing up in my comment section time and again to assure me everything will be okay. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’ve learned the hard way recently (more on this later) that family just doesn’t know how to be there for me right now and that putting myself out there with them will only end in painful disappointment. If it weren’t for all of you I’d be walking this path alone, and that is really the only way it could be worse than it already is. So thank you for making this better in only way it can be. I appreciate that more than words can say.