These past weeks have been relentless. Of course there is the relentless trying, and failing to get pregnant. Compounding that is the relentless cold I’ve been battling for over a month, which was just compounded again by ANOTHER fucking cold that I’m coming down with as we speak. I never even stopped coughing and I’m already sick with something else. Luckily this cold seems much more situated in my sinuses so hopefully the cough will still go away at some point before the new year.

Then there is the relentless sleep deprivation. My daughter sleeps through the night (and by this I mean for a five hour stretch from midnight to five a.m.) maybe once a week if I’m lucky. The other days she wakes up 2 or 3 or 4 times, sometimes it’s every hour. Gone are the days that a simple reminder that I’m right here sufficed. Now I have to sit by her crib for 5-10 minutes, battling to stay awake, only to curse the fact that I can’t fall back asleep when I finally return to my bed. The fact that I haven’t completed a REM cycle in months is not lost on me and I’m almost becoming accustomed to how shitty I constantly feel.

The sleep deprivation is making it extra hard to handle Isa’s frequent tantrums and complete meltdowns. That two year girl is testing boundaries at every opportunity and when she comes up against them (I try REALLY hard to enforce boundaries) she gets PISSED. Really fucking pissed. And while I’m feeling more confident in my ability to determine what appropriate boundaries are and how to gently but firmly keep her inside those boundaries, the reality is it’s a lot of work. It’s, well, relentless. And her reactions are so physical, so visceral, they can feel completely overwhelming.

Yes, these past weeks have been relentless. I feel buried under everything that is trying to tear my down, all these forcing conspiring to make me physically and emotionally weak. I keep muddling through my days but I’m barely making it through. Each night I lay down, so thankful that another day is over and each morning I wake up wondering how I’ll make it another 16 hours feeling as crappy as I currently feel.

Tomorrow is our class. All I can hope is it’s not a complete waste of two hours (and a sick day off work, I must admit, this cold has amazing timing since I was already planning on being out tomorrow). I just hope that I learn SOMETHING there. I just hope that after this dumb class I can quickly schedule our tests (which, because they will need to coincide with my next cycle (as this one just started on Saturday) will be happening over the Christmas holiday, (awesome right?) and then an appointment with an RE. Those are my meager expectations for tomorrow, that I’ll learn one thing, that it doesn’t prove too difficult to take the next steps, and that I don’t spend the entire time blowing my nose, sneezing and coughing. I guess I also hope they don’t kick me out when I show up looking like death warmed over, barely able to breathe.

Thank you all for your kind words of support in these past weeks. Just as my attitude has been relentlessly negative, you have all be relentlessly supportive, showing up in my comment section time and again to assure me everything will be okay. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’ve learned the hard way recently (more on this later) that family just doesn’t know how to be there for me right now and that putting myself out there with them will only end in painful disappointment. If it weren’t for all of you I’d be walking this path alone, and that is really the only way it could be worse than it already is. So thank you for making this better in only way it can be. I appreciate that more than words can say.

8 responses

  1. Ugh. That sucks, all around.

    Some unsolicited assvice… We had sleep trouble with Lucky up until he was about 18 months old – same issue – waking up in the middle of the night. Thing is, HIS sleep deprivation made his sleep awful – light, fitful – which made him wake up overnight more. And during the day his tantrums were worse.

    What we found was that sleep begets sleep (accidentally, of course. He fell asleep on the way home from daycare one night and slept straight through until the next morning). We moved his bedtime to something impossibly early for us: 6:30, which gave us time only to feed him and bathe him and put him straight to bed. We’d then make ourselves dinner once he was asleep. It really helped.

    Kids are all different, so please feel free to take this with a grain of salt. But if she’s awake that much, she’s GOT to be tired, maybe overtired, and that makes the tantrums that much harder to deal with.

    Hugs hon – abiding with you during this time.


    • This is true! My friend has done this with her four kids and they all slept through the night way early and no matter how early they went to bed – they still slept until the same time every day. We’ve tinkered with this and have had the same result. No matter what time we put Matthew to bed (early or late), he still gets up every day between 7 and 7:45. It’s amazing.

  2. We found the same sleep deal to be true – that when bedtime was much earlier, she slept better. Now our problem is that we have an hour wrestling match before actual staying in bed, and there aren’t enough hours to give her dinner and a bath with an hour before her bedtime, but we try. No idea if that would help you out, but it’s worth a shot.

    I hope you get some resolution from this.

  3. I have nothing to offer on the sleep thing. So far Raegan is a good sleeper as long as she’s not teething or sick.

    We didn’t have to do a class before seeing our RE. I hope you get something out of it too! It’s a scary place….but hopefully it will give you all the info you need to move forward.

    And as for the past few weeks…we all go through rough times. Without this community I would feel lost and probably pull my hair out going crazy. I have to be there for everyone as they are for me. It’s the whole give and take thing. So yeah, I’m going to be as supportive as you need and as I can be!

  4. Well, that is a horrible combination of events! Waking up that often, for that long a period of time, can’t be right. Hard to say what might be the cause of it, although I’m pretty sure that *it* is the cause of her tantrums and some of your crappy mood. I wish I knew how to fix it. I’m kind of bad with sleep, though.

    I hope things get better!

  5. I bet you’re in your class right now, and I’m so excited for you that you get to move to the next step in this process. I hope the class is worth your time and that you come home with next steps SCHEDULED!

    I hope you can start getting some sleep. UGH. Awful.

  6. I was going to say something similar as the above commenters about the sleep issue. When G skips a nap? I can expect a middle of the night wake up call. Ugh. Also, it’s an issue not just for you, but for her. She’s not getting the appropriate type of sleep either, that can’t have a good effect on her ability to accept boundaries and navigate through 2 year old life. Have you thought of bringing it up to her pediatrician? G woke up every 2 hours until she was 10 months and I was N U T S.

    I hope you get answers from this class. It has to be offered for some reason right? I wish for you to be able to start taking steps that feel like they are going in the right direction.

    Sending Vitamin C filled thoughts.

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