Lacking a Plan

Tomorrow is my weekly acupuncture appointment. Tuesday is our class with Kaiser. Both have my thoughts bouncing all ove the place.

These past few days have been difficult and finally I realized why I’ve been having such a hard time. Part of it is what I like to call The Reckoning. This is the part where I am trying (but failing miserably) to accept that there is something wrong, that we’re one cycle away from officially being infertile. The Reckoning is obviously hard to handle on a lot of different levels. Mostly right now I’m cycling through bouts of disbelief and anger, both tinged with lingering, ever present, sadness.

The disbelief has really been intense. I just can’t believe that we’re. I don’t understand how it happened. If anything I should be more fertile than I was before. I’m doing yoga more regularly, without graduate school I’m decidedly less stressed, my relationship is in better shape, the B6 I’m taking has lengthened my luteal phase and my cycles overall are longer and more consistent. All signs point to me being better off than I was the last time, and yet then, in 8 cycles (over 11 months) I was able to get pregnant twice while this time, I’ve managed to do accomplish exactly nothing in three more cycles of actually trying.

I just don’t get it. I’m flabbergasted. I really did NOT think I was going to find myself here. And I’m angry about. Really fucking angry.

But I’m also confused and scared and freaked out that I don’t have a plan. I think that is really what I’m having the hardest time with right now, I have NO FUCKING PLAN. And I know it’s silly to expect that one should have a plan when one hasn’t even started testing or anything, but remember, I don’t expect testing will reveal anything conclusive and so really, I feel I should already have a plan now. Or better said, I would feel A LOT better if I had a plan now. Frankly I’d feel better if I could conjure even an inkling of how I’d like to proceed.

Mostly, I’m just not sure what *I* should be doing. Do I keep going to acupuncture, even while we’re testing and then if/when we start treatments? Do I stop the acupuncture and focus on the Western approach? Do we actually go ahead with treatments or just keep trying on our own? Would electing to have treatments mean I’m just too impatient? Would a cooler, more collected woman than I just wait it out and see what happens? If we do wait longer, how long do we wait? I just have no fucking idea what the answers to any of these questions should be. And frankly, I don’t expect any RE we see at Kaiser will be willing (or even able) to sit down with me and have the lengthy conversation needed for me to feel confident in our next steps.

So that is where I am right now, struggling to accept that we’ve arrived at the front door of secondary infertility and unsure if I should knock to be invited in and except its hospitality or if I should simply walk away, hoping I’ll stumble upon pregnancy of my own accord, sometime in the not too far away future.

7 responses

  1. I’m so sorry your feeling this way. I have been there!!! Yes do not stop acupuncture. I truly feel acc and herbs did the trick. I had 2 miscarriages and hoping we do not have another! Don’t give up! It sucks totally get it! I was on cycle 7 and hopefully my last. Good luck and your in my thought!

  2. I feel you. I finally made my husband talk to me about a plan late late last night when we both should have been sleeping, but without a plan, I have no hope. And without hope, I am pretty much miserable.

    If they find nothing wrong in testing, the RE will likely recommend either clomid on its own, clomid/IUI or injectible/IUI. I would highly recommend doing an IUI because it’s monitored – you will know how many follicles you have, you will know how your lining looks, how hubby’s sperm looks, etc. It will give you some of the answers you’re searching for, even though the monitoring and all the appointments are a total PIA.

    I would definitely continue doing acupuncture. I’m planning to start back up prior to an IVF cycle, studies show it helps to do it in conjunction with Western treatments.

    Feel free to email me if you have any questions on treatments or just want to vent. Do you know how many RE’s are in the practice? My RE has had multiple consults with us for a half hour and really does sit down and answer all of our questions. A good doctor will do this, and both REs I’ve seen would answer all of these questions. It’s their job to help you get pregnant and help you be at ease with the process. I really hope you find a good one.


  3. If you enjoy accupuncture and feel that you would like to continue it during treatments for WHATEVER reason (even if it’s just because you like it!), then keep going. There is not an RE out there that I’ve heard of that would tell you not to do it during a monitored cycle. Many RE’s may say that there’s no evidence of it helping, but they all say that if you like it, to do it. My RE said the only thing he does not recommend is starting up accupuncture while you’re starting a cycle – to start accupunture BEFORE the cycle, so that you’re not stressed out from the newness of accupuncture while you’re also cycling.

    Electing for treatments is not being impatient. You have been more than patient these last 12 cycle. RE’s exist for when we are ready to move on to getting help. You qualify for the help, so I say to go and get it! And I agree with MellowMama – I suggest an IUI just from the monitoring perspective alone!

  4. I’m so sorry you’re in this spot. None of us ever want to find ourselves here. I really hope after your class and your first meeting with an RE you get a better feeling. My first experience with an RE sucked. He just wanted to jump into treatments and lead to me having a horrible experience. My second RE was and still is wonderful. She is more than willing to take time out and have long winded appointments so we are all on the same page. She ran EVERY.SINGLE.TEST on me. She wanted to find a cause. Unfortunately, there isn’t a reason for us, but we made educated decisions on how to proceed with treatment. And she respected our decisions.

    I agree with Mellow Mama. Acupuncture is a great supplement to Western medicine along with yoga for fertility. My RE strongly recommends both while undergoing treatment and I’ve continued acupuncture and yoga even while on a break from treatment.

    Also, like Mellow Mama, I’d be more than happy to go into more detail on my treatment experiences. Feel free to email me anytime.

    Sending hugs….I so hoped you wouldn’t have to go down this road, but if you do go down this road, you WILL NEVER be alone…I’ll be here to hold your virtual hand if you need! Anytime!

    • Let yourself be angry and grieve. It’s tough to move into the uncertain world of infertility. It is really upsetting. Period.

      My RE was a believer in acupuncture, for what that’s worth…he had lots of studies he showed us about how it increased outcomes.

  5. Your RE should give you a plan. That’s what I found so helpful. We had an
    a) do this, then if you’re not pregnant after three months, either try b) or skip to c)
    b) do this, then after three months do c)
    c) IVF

    You list why you should be getting pregnant. But that’s just the thing – no matter how hard we try, how healthily we live, etc etc, it doesn’t mean that will get us pregnant. It goes against everything we’ve ever been taught (work hard and you will achieve) and can be very hard to accept or understand. I feel for you.

  6. I know it’s frustrating not to have a plan right now, but the good news is, until you have more information, you really don’t need one. In a sense, you do have a plan in starting the process of finding an RE and going to this class. I would not stop acupuncture- there is a ton of evidence that it helps not only fertility, but overall heath and well-being.

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