Tomorrow is my weekly acupuncture appointment. Tuesday is our class with Kaiser. Both have my thoughts bouncing all ove the place.
These past few days have been difficult and finally I realized why I’ve been having such a hard time. Part of it is what I like to call The Reckoning. This is the part where I am trying (but failing miserably) to accept that there is something wrong, that we’re one cycle away from officially being infertile. The Reckoning is obviously hard to handle on a lot of different levels. Mostly right now I’m cycling through bouts of disbelief and anger, both tinged with lingering, ever present, sadness.
The disbelief has really been intense. I just can’t believe that we’re. I don’t understand how it happened. If anything I should be more fertile than I was before. I’m doing yoga more regularly, without graduate school I’m decidedly less stressed, my relationship is in better shape, the B6 I’m taking has lengthened my luteal phase and my cycles overall are longer and more consistent. All signs point to me being better off than I was the last time, and yet then, in 8 cycles (over 11 months) I was able to get pregnant twice while this time, I’ve managed to do accomplish exactly nothing in three more cycles of actually trying.
I just don’t get it. I’m flabbergasted. I really did NOT think I was going to find myself here. And I’m angry about. Really fucking angry.
But I’m also confused and scared and freaked out that I don’t have a plan. I think that is really what I’m having the hardest time with right now, I have NO FUCKING PLAN. And I know it’s silly to expect that one should have a plan when one hasn’t even started testing or anything, but remember, I don’t expect testing will reveal anything conclusive and so really, I feel I should already have a plan now. Or better said, I would feel A LOT better if I had a plan now. Frankly I’d feel better if I could conjure even an inkling of how I’d like to proceed.
Mostly, I’m just not sure what *I* should be doing. Do I keep going to acupuncture, even while we’re testing and then if/when we start treatments? Do I stop the acupuncture and focus on the Western approach? Do we actually go ahead with treatments or just keep trying on our own? Would electing to have treatments mean I’m just too impatient? Would a cooler, more collected woman than I just wait it out and see what happens? If we do wait longer, how long do we wait? I just have no fucking idea what the answers to any of these questions should be. And frankly, I don’t expect any RE we see at Kaiser will be willing (or even able) to sit down with me and have the lengthy conversation needed for me to feel confident in our next steps.
So that is where I am right now, struggling to accept that we’ve arrived at the front door of secondary infertility and unsure if I should knock to be invited in and except its hospitality or if I should simply walk away, hoping I’ll stumble upon pregnancy of my own accord, sometime in the not too far away future.