My temperature dropped significantly last night. My hormones are crashing and I’m coming down with them.

I spend most of the time crying. I try to remind myself it’s the progesterone jumping ship. Sometimes that makes me feel better. Sometimes it just makes me angrier.

I’m so not looking forward to our class on Tuesday. I have so little faith and am filled with so much doubt. I have no idea what our next steps should be. Should we really pursue treatments in the new year? Should we wait for our 12 months to be up or does 12 cycles suffice? When they tell us everything looks fine, how will we know how to proceed? I feel paralyzed by fear.

Tomorrow is CD1. I don’t know if I have it in me to do it all again. I don’t know if I have it in me to spend another holiday in the wake of a BFN. Then again, I don’t know if I have it in me to sit this one out either. None of the options feel right.

One step in front of the other. I try remind myself of that. I try to keep sight of what I have. But I’m scared. Scared that I have no idea what I’m walking towards, or if I have the strength to face whatever’s waiting when I get there.

Maybe, with this little girl at my side, I can find a way.


5 responses

  1. so sorry…12 cycles is enough. That’s what my doctor told me. Pursuing treatment is never an easy choice. It took a lot for me to try. Then I walked away disappointed. I wasn’t ready. When I went back again, I was ready and it was the right decision. And we got lucky. I’m so sorry you’re in this place. Thinking of you…

    and that picture is AWESOME!!! I love it!

  2. I remember that realization that you’ve spent more than 12 cycles trying in the last year. If you’re regular at all, you get 13 cycles in a year and that thought never crossed my mind until we were coming up on our 1 year anniversary and got 13 cycles in. I was pissed. Like Slese1014 says – 12 is enough. It is MORE than enough.

    I know you’re not looking forward to your class, but I still hope it brings you some peace and takes away some of the “scary.” I know the class helped me immensely – I felt relief that it was not entirely in my hands to get pregnant anymore… and I felt way less like a failure after we started seeing the RE. I hope you have a similar experience.

    Cute photo! It’s wonderful that you have a cute little distraction when you really need one!

  3. I’ve been reading your posts the past few days and just feel so sad for you. I want this so badly to work out for you the way YOU want it to- I had prayed you wouldn’t have to go the RE route. But, 12 cycles is enough- enough physically and emotionally. I hope that the class empowers you and rekindles your hope, instead of being a negative experience. I wish there was more I coud say, or do, to help you. I want so badly for you to have the family of your dreams, to have a little one on the other side of you walking down the street. And I know you will get there. You will. Hugs and prayers as always.

  4. Hugs.

    And I’m going to tell you one thing. That when I finally did see an infertility guy, even before we’d thought about options or whether we wanted IVF or anything like that, I felt as if a burden had been lifted. It wasn’t all on just my shoulders any longer. Someone else was in this with me, helping me. I hope that might lessen your burden too.

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