Dreaming of BFPs

This morning was test morning. Since 7 or 8DPO my boobs have been incredibly sore and in the past day or two I’ve had to pee constantly, just like when I was pregnant.

I told Mi.Vida last night: I’m either pregnant or I have a UTI.

Last night I was so nervous to test I had a hard time falling asleep. When I finally did, I dreamt of beautiful BFPs. Each time I was sure it was the real deal and then Isa woke me up and, devastated, I realized it was just a dream. I probably had four or five of these dreams, each followed by its own devastating return to reality. But as I fell back asleep each time, there was unmistakable hope.

Eventually it was time to get up for good and I took a real test. The jury is in: I need to get tested for a UTI. It was so stark white, there is no way it could be anything but a negative. And even if it’s too early (11DPO) to know for sure, I have to admit to myself that if there’s not enough hCG in my body to make a faint line on a test, there is not enough to be causing these so called “symptoms.”

I think my mind is so desperate for a BFP that it’s tricking my body into manifesting symptoms that otherwise wouldn’t be there. Every time it gives me something it didn’t give me before, something new to stoke my hope. In the past few days, with my ta-tas so sore that I wince when I walk, my hope had been stoked into a roaring, crackling thing. Now it is a smoking heap of ash, wet from a bucket full of reality.

Our “infertility class” is a week from today. I guess it’s on to Plan B. But I’ll be honest, when I reserved a spot in that class, giving myself two more cycles to get pregnant, I didn’t really think I’d have to go. I’ve been wrestling with myself all week, whether I should go if I were barely 4 weeks pregnant. I was just sure one of these cycles was going to work. I still can’t believe I am here.

So now I guess it’s just about muddling through Thanksgiving without shedding too many tears. That probably won’t be too hard, none have fallen this morning. I’m dead inside where the disappointment lives. And every month that disappoint grows and grows, numbing everything around it. There isn’t anything left inside me that feels like crying. It’s just dead in there. And I wonder if that place can ever be resurrected.

13 responses

  1. Oh girl, I know that crash. (No, seriously. I wrote about it. After a BFN at 11dpo. http://serenitynowinfertile.wordpress.com/2010/11/01/a-post-i-never-wanted-to-write-ever-again/)

    And the dreams are so awful when you wake up and realize that you’re NOT pregnant. 😦

    But. That you have symptoms means you have a helluvalot of progesterone going through you. Which means that you had a good, quality O this cycle. Which means that yeah, there’s still hope.

    I know it’s hard to hold hope for yourself, so I’m holding the hope for you. And that class? It’s a step forward if this cycle proves to be yet another BFN. So proud of you for taking that step.

    xoxo

  2. I’m sorry, E 😦 I hope your Thanksgiving is still enjoyable. You know, it’s silly, but every cycle I have a few seconds in which I fantasize about conceiving. It’s 100% impossible, but sometimes I pretend it isn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever told that to anyone before. Hugs.

  3. I’m sorry E. It sucks. I’m so glad you have this class set up, getting help TTC really was a savior to my sanity when we hit that point. Knowing what is wrong and having someone assist. It’s huge. Sure, 3 IUIs and we seem to be getting nowhere which sucks, but it’s good to know we are doing all the things we should be. FX for this cycle still.

  4. I’m so very sorry. I always hated those BFP dreams. I hated the pregnancy dreams, too. Our minds have a way of really messing with us and it’s just so unfair. I agree with Serenity on her point of having a really good O this cycle. I’m sorry that this news comes just before Thanksgiving. However, I’m hoping that you have so much going on that you don’t have too much time to be sad about this right now. Keep looking forward…you have an appointment next week and hopefully it will be the start of great things to come for you. (((hugs)))

  5. Dreams really can mess with us. I’m sorry that they gave you hope just to be let down again. God, those 12 months of trying are awful.

    I am so excited for you, though, that you’re going to that class. I think it will be the start of good things… things that are more in your control. Help is on the way!

  6. Sending hugs. I can’t give a better response than Serenity did.

    But I do want to wag my finger a little and say “what are you testing for at 11 dpo?” Because that early a negative doesn’t tell you much, other than dash hopes and make waiting the next couple of days for a more definitive test just that much harder.

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