Uninspired and Unsure

I have so many posts I want to write. I jot them down in the “notebook” of my iPhone, some I’ve outlined, some I’ve even asked others’ for input on. But I can’t seem to bring myself to write any of them. I’m feeling so…uninspired.

Surely the lack of sleep has something to do with it. Even week I visit my acupuncturist and every week she takes my pulse and mutters something about my sleep not being good. I don’t know how many times I can tell her, it’s not that I have trouble sleeping, it’s that my daughter wakes me up! I’m a great sleeper when I’m given a quiet room and bed, but one of those things is ever more elusive these days (or, more accurately, months).

Lately, we’re learning what our version of the terrible two’s looks like. Last night it looked like this:

Why, yes, that is my daughter’s spaghetti that she threw against the wall. How did you guess?

When these moments overtake us I flounder, unsure what to do. I want to write a post about this, about deciding what kind of parent I want to be to a daughter who throws her food against the wall, or hits me when we’re playing or screams at me when I ask her to share her goldfish or orders me around in a shrill voice. And in the hopes that I’ll write it, I won’t say any more about it here, except that it’s hard. Really hard… to not know what to do but to still have to do something anyway.

Things are, well, hard to explain. I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m sick of being sick. I’m excited for Thanksgiving. I’m terrified to test tomorrow. I’m stressed out about getting grades in by Tuesday. I’m angry we have professional development days this week while our students have the whole week off. I’m embarrassed by the state of our house. I’m thankful I got to meet a fellow blogger this weekend, one who lives far away but happened to be at a conference close by (something else I want to write more about).

I’m desperate to have another child. I’m terrified to have another child.

I’m simultaneously scared and anxious and eager and ambivalent about this “infertility class” at Kaiser next Tuesday, though I now know what to expect thanks to a very wonderful blogger who emailed me with her experience. I couldn’t be more grateful for that.

I’m stalling now, so I can get out of tonight’s mindful meditation, but I’ll do it anyway, at the last minute, and spend the whole time struggling to stay awake.

I’m just all over the place, really, like I always am.

You know, everyone tells me I can do this, but sometimes I’m not so sure.

7 responses

  1. There seems to be some sort of blogging rut going around. This is the third post I’ve read about someone who has ideas and thoughts but post just don’t get written. There’s a lot going on over the next few weeks. I say keep writing your ideas down and post when you’re getting that feeling back.

    It sounds like you’re in that “TWEENER” space. You know in between everything. Feeling both sides but feeling nothing at the same time. I’ve been there. It’s not fun, but once you muddle through, you realize it was a good place to be in at that time.

    I hope you feel better and your class goes well. I hope this week at school goes by quickly and you get to enjoy your holiday. I’m thinking of you!

  2. I swear, my days are filled with moments of needing to do something, but not knowing exactly what to do. I love how you put that – it’s so true. And I dare say that our husbands/partners don’t understand it because they think we should just know what to do since we’re the moms. That’s how it is in our house, anyway.

    Discipline is so hard. Every choice we make, we wonder if we’re doing the right thing. It was so much easier when they were tiny, innocent babies who weren’t naughty on purpose 😉

    Good luck tomorrow! I’ll be thinking of you!

  3. I worked at a group home for troubled kids for 10 years. I was beat up and sworn at on a weekly/daily/hourly basis. SURELY I can handle ONE small never abused child yes?!

    Parenting is hard yo. It. Is. Hard.

  4. That photo is blackmail gold when she’s 15. Seriously. Thinking of you – my sister is dealing with the terrible (I mean, straight up DEFIANT) twos of my niece right now and… from an outsider’s view, it’s a little terrifying. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be (although, I should have some idea in about 3 years myself. At which point I will come calling for advice).

    I hope you’re getting much deserved nap time at acupuncture. No matter how hard I try, I always zonk the eff out. (If you’re cool w/needles on your face, ask them to needle your third eye. Guaranteed zonk out mode.)

    Thinking of you, the little one, and sending much patience. And a fresh plate of spaghetti. *hug*

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