I have so many posts I want to write. I jot them down in the “notebook” of my iPhone, some I’ve outlined, some I’ve even asked others’ for input on. But I can’t seem to bring myself to write any of them. I’m feeling so…uninspired.
Surely the lack of sleep has something to do with it. Even week I visit my acupuncturist and every week she takes my pulse and mutters something about my sleep not being good. I don’t know how many times I can tell her, it’s not that I have trouble sleeping, it’s that my daughter wakes me up! I’m a great sleeper when I’m given a quiet room and bed, but one of those things is ever more elusive these days (or, more accurately, months).
Lately, we’re learning what our version of the terrible two’s looks like. Last night it looked like this:
Why, yes, that is my daughter’s spaghetti that she threw against the wall. How did you guess?
When these moments overtake us I flounder, unsure what to do. I want to write a post about this, about deciding what kind of parent I want to be to a daughter who throws her food against the wall, or hits me when we’re playing or screams at me when I ask her to share her goldfish or orders me around in a shrill voice. And in the hopes that I’ll write it, I won’t say any more about it here, except that it’s hard. Really hard… to not know what to do but to still have to do something anyway.
Things are, well, hard to explain. I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m sick of being sick. I’m excited for Thanksgiving. I’m terrified to test tomorrow. I’m stressed out about getting grades in by Tuesday. I’m angry we have professional development days this week while our students have the whole week off. I’m embarrassed by the state of our house. I’m thankful I got to meet a fellow blogger this weekend, one who lives far away but happened to be at a conference close by (something else I want to write more about).
I’m desperate to have another child. I’m terrified to have another child.
I’m simultaneously scared and anxious and eager and ambivalent about this “infertility class” at Kaiser next Tuesday, though I now know what to expect thanks to a very wonderful blogger who emailed me with her experience. I couldn’t be more grateful for that.
I’m stalling now, so I can get out of tonight’s mindful meditation, but I’ll do it anyway, at the last minute, and spend the whole time struggling to stay awake.
I’m just all over the place, really, like I always am.
You know, everyone tells me I can do this, but sometimes I’m not so sure.