I’ve been thinking about this all week. It came to me during meditation (when my mind was stubbornly refusing to focus on the breath) and then I read a post by Belle that seemed to touch on a similar issue and I thought, huh, maybe I’m not the only one. What I was thinking about is the fact that this struggle feels so much more unbearable when I compare it to the experiences of my fertile friends, or even I’m ashamed to say, my IF friends who enjoyed surprise second pregnancies. What is it about seeing someone else’s easy journey that makes the difficulty of my journey that much harder to bear?
There are lots of time when I feel accepting of our situation, when the rational side of my brain facilitates an understanding that the day to day isn’t so bad right now and won’t necessarily get appreciably better with another child. There are times when ten months of trying doesn’t feel so horrible, when I think maybe it could all just be bad luck, when I convince myself that it’s going to happen in the next few months and we’ll be able to move on from this stagnant place and never look back.
But then I see a Facebook update or a blog post or an email and the reality of how easy it was for someone else just punches me right in the face. In the presence of others’ fertility, our struggle seems amplified; I feel way more broken and way less hopeful. This inability to face other people’s good luck–even when I’m managing not to wallow in our bad luck–is driving me to self-imposed isolation. I can’t stand to see our myriad friends that are pregnant. I don’t call my cousin whose baby is due soon. I stay off Facebook most of the time and I don’t comment as much as I should on some blogs. It’s just too hard for me to make the comparisons. And the messed up thing is I don’t WANT to compare myself to anyone, it just seems to happen, instantaneously and subconsciously, all the fucking time.
I’m not sure why it’s happening and I’m less sure what to do about it. I just really don’t know. I just hope I can stop doing it, I hope I can see my friends’ good fortune for what it is, their happy luck and not a commentary on my unhappy circumstances. I wish that every time someone easily fell pregnant it wouldn’t make me feel like something is wrong with me, like I’m failing in some way, like I’m less than. I wish I could change these thought patters but I’m not sure how to do that. Just like I’m not sure how to get pregnant. It just feels bigger than I am, out of my control.
I’m not really sure how to wrap this one up in a tight, shiny bow so I guess I’ll just sign off for now. If any of your have any insight on the comparison conundrum I’d love to hear it.