Tuesday was a difficult day for me. Frustrations abounded, many insignificant, some less so. Traffic was so bad in the morning it took me over an hour to get to work and I was cutting it so close I had to call ahead and get someone to cover the first minutes of my class, just in case. I ended up walking onto campus when the last bell rang so I was only a couple minutes late to class and my students were very understanding. Still, it was super stressful and I was woefully unprepared for my first class.
After school I had a rare 1.5 hours free to (finally – it’s been weeks!) get the iPhone connector in my car fixed. I drove three towns over to get it done and the man comes in my car for me to show him how it doesn’t work… AND IT DOES WORK! I’ve checked the damn thing so many times since it originally broke and it never worked and of course that day it did. And honestly, it wouldn’t make so mad except I know it will break again and I won’t be able to get it fixed for another month and I just HATE when things aren’t consistent, when they don’t make any freaking sense!
On the way home I stopped at my favorite taco place because if I drove all the way down there I was damn well going to get something out of it. There I realized that I had left my ATM card at the gas station the day before (where I was paying over $4 a gallon for gas!) so I had to spend most of the time when I should be enjoying my sopes calling my bank to cancel my car and order a new one. So annoying.
When Mi.Vida came home he informed me that the job position he was all excited about applying for (and would have provided a SUBSTANTIAL increase in income) was no longer open. That company decided–in the absence of any decent candidates–to stop looking at applicants. He’s still going to send in his resume and cover letter but there is very little chance they will even look at it let alone consider him. I will admit, I was devastated.
Suddenly I was in a really angry place. This was FIRST job Mi.Vida had felt compelled to apply for in our two years of talking about him needing to look for a new job. I was so excited that he was finally DOING SOMETHING and that there was a job he was interested in that paid more than his current job. I just wish we could catch a fucking break.
(And please know that I don’t take either of our jobs for granted. My dad has been unemployed for four years and they are about to lose their house so I know how bad it can be and I know how lucky we are to have our jobs. I don’t mean to sound self centered just hoping Mi.Vida can find a better job when so many people would give anything for just a job, any job.)
I started meditation last night with tears running down my cheeks. During the still moments of mindfulness I realized that my disappointment wasn’t so much about Mi.Vida’s lost opportunity but disappointment in myself that I hadn’t done much to get tutoring jobs for the year. A few people have contacted me but I must be either too expensive or too unavailable because after I write them back I never hear from them again. I’ve created fliers to send to high school Spanish teachers in the area but I haven’t copied them or handed them out. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to find anyone to tutor this year and without that extra income we’ll definitely be struggling.
All of that makes me realize just how precarious our financial plan for having another baby is. If I can’t find enough tutoring we will probably lose our home. I used to think I could ALWAYS find enough tutoring to make it work but now I’m not so sure. I’m losing faith in myself an what I’m capable of. It makes me wonder if we should even keep trying.
And of course the idea of not trying sends me into a tailspin of despair. For all the rational thought that went into my last post the reality is I want very much to have another baby. Something deep inside me needs to experience motherhood again with another child and the idea of stopping our attempts and failing to move forward, even if moving forward right now means continuing to rack of more months of not getting pregnant, instills an unbearable panic in me. I just don’t know what the right answer is.
It’s all so complicated and no amount of mindfulness can help me sort through the possibilities to determine which is best, especially when I have no say over how any part of any of those possibilities unfolds. Blerg.
It doesn’t help that we’re in the most stressful week of the month, when I spend every day wondering if I’m ovulating and whether our every-other-day schedule will fail us yet again. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Even when it doesn’t fail us we fail ourselves.
On a positive (and frankly unbelievable) note Mi.Vida actually emailed his doctor requesting the SA so we’re taking baby steps forward. Hopefully, some day, we’ll actually arrive somewhere (with the financial resources required not to lose everything we’ve ever worked for).