10:45 Vitamins

I mostly use my phone to schedule things on my calendar. On my phone I can’t see any calendars that have been shared with me, like Mi.Vida’s personal calendar. Today I went on to reschedule the wedding date (they found a new date in March that works for their venue, caterer and band!) and to add a birthday party when I saw 10:45 Vitamins scrawled across the week in red. Mi.Vida has put a calendar reminder up to help him take is fertility supplement every day. Seeing that made me simultaneously incredibly grateful that I have such a considerate and loving partner who is dedicated to this cause, even if he doesn’t agree that we need to worry yet AND incredibly sad that he has to set a reminder to take some stupid supplement every day, that he has to schedule an SA, that he has to take off work to go to the dumb Kaiser class before we can see an RE. It makes me sad that we have to do all of this, struggle this way, spend time and money on alternative therapies because modern medicine doesn’t think we have an problem yet. It just sucks, and seeing that red reminder scrawled across a month’s worth or mornings was such a poignant reminder of that.

Yesterday, for some reason, I searched “secondary infertility.” It’s not that I think the internet could possible teach me anything about secondary infertility that I don’t already know. Still, I clicked on a couple of beginner sites with basic explanations of what secondary infertility is and how it can make people feel. I appreciated that one of the first sites mentioned that secondary infertility poses its own challenges, like the inability to avoid other growing families as your first child(ren) requires you’re with them all the time, the difficulty of navigating treatments with another child and the relationship issues that arrive when one partner is able to accept that having another child is impossible while the other partner continues grieving.

Once again I was thankful for this community, thankful that I’m not some bewildered mother who can’t understand for the life of her why she can’t get pregnant again, who is ignorant to the fact that something could be wrong, assuming that being able to have one child guarantees you can have another. I’m so thankful that I have such a clear picture of what may lay ahead, medically, emotionally and financially. I’m so thankful that this wasn’t a surprise, that I was prepared–in a way–for this struggle.

Thanksgiving is early this year and I should be finding out right around then if I have something very wonderful to be thankful for. I have so very little hope that it will actually happen, after failing last month when everything lined up perfectly, well, I just don’t see it happening for us if it couldn’t happen under those circumstances. And it’s actually a calm place to be, not wondering if this month will be the month. I suppose now I am more focused on what our new timeline will be, wondering how long after the class we’ll be able to see an RE, what Mi.Vida’s SA results will be (if he ever actually schedules it), what our next steps will be when when/if we fail to get pregnant in the next three months. I suppose last month finally helped me to realize that this is my reality. That I am not all my friends who get pregnant quickly and easily, that I am more likely than not going to need to seek help and then actually use it. It’s a sad place to be but one I was at least somewhat prepared for. And for that I am grateful.

3 responses

  1. So sorry there are so many hoops you have to jump through. So frustrating. And equally as frustrating about MiVida’s different attitude about the whole thing. Men- aaa! I am frequently hurt by R’s seeming lack of interest in my pregnancy- he’s excited about the baby, but the pregnancy thing just doesn’t interest him much. Makes me sad. I pray you have a little extra something to be thankful for in a few weeks.

  2. Oh, E. I’m sorry, too.

    But “sorry” doesn’t really cut, it, does it.

    We are lucky to have this community. After my losses, I had started reading blogs around the ALI community, and was so grateful that I had some sense of what might need to come next … that other people had gone before me, and could hold my hand through whatever we needed to do. I hope that by Thanksgiving you do find your reason for gratitude, but also hope that even if you don’t, you feel held by your fellow bloggers.

  3. I’m sorry for all the hoops and the discomfort. I am with you in the suckfest of secondary infertility and that it’s a very uniquely uncomfortable place. The lost hope you describe is just where I was when I magically got pregnant (and have even stayed pregnant thus far, whoa) and I hadn’t realized that was what had happened. I think I’d even accepted that there was no hope after 3 years TTC. I hope that you get your hope back for whatever happens going forward and that it’s a smooth road for you (as smooth as it can be).

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