Did you fall back last night? I HATE falling back. Standard time totally blows. If I had the time and resources I’d fund a DOWN WITH STANDARD TIME campaign that would get Daylight Savings Time instituted year-round in a heartbeat.
Anyway, on to the post.
I have a lot of projects in the works this month. Here are the major ones:
NaNoWriMo. Yeah. I officially signed up but I don’t have any plans to write 50,000 words (or an entire novel) in thirty days. (Shit, only 27 left!) I signed up because I want to write and I want a project that I can focus on that’s not fertility related but does challenge me creatively and can help distract me from this stagnant place in a productive way. I also just want to see if I can write fiction in any kind of real way. I have a story in my head (I waffled for a on which story I would write) and now I just need to find the time to write it. This may prove difficult (or impossible) because the project that takes first priority is…
Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). Last week I took Isa to the doctor to make sure her cough wasn’t racking her lungs in the horrible way it sounded like it was and I decided to take the opportunity to fill my script for Zo.loft. I have a nice shiny bottle with a 50 day supply sitting next to me. But here’s the thing, I don’t plan on opening it or popping any of those little pills into my mouth.
All I can say is I know myself and I know my response to SSRIs and I just don’t think Zo.loft is the answer for me right now. But I also realize that there has to be SOME answer and if I’m not willing to try Zo.loft again, I need to try something else.
Today I’m seven days into my first week of a MBSR workbook. I’ve meditated for 20 minutes six of the past seven days. This is huge for me. Both in the fact that I made time to do this and in the fact that it actually seems to be helping. The last seven days have been the most manageable I’ve experienced in many months. My mood has improved in a way that doesn’t feel like the awesome but unsustainably frenzied positive of mania. No, this place is different. This feels stable, this feels sustainable. It doesn’t feel fragile or conditional or like I’m grasping at a facade. In fact it’s hard for me to put into words exactly how this does feel, which is actually more validating than anything else I could say about it. I have quite literally NEVER felt this way before, which makes me think it might just be the real thing.
This is not to say that everything is perfect. I still feel sad and disappointed and frustrated and annoyed; those feelings just don’t get overwhelming, or last for very long. Also finding time to meditate and then actually making myself do it are difficult tasks indeed. My desire to avoid Zo.loft prompted me to actually sit and focus on my breath for twenty minutes a day almost every day this week and the way I’m feeling now provides great impetus to keep doing it, but it’s still hard to find the time and then actually follow through. I spend many minutes cooking up excuses for why I can skip a day. The one time that part of me won out, I felt significantly more sad before heading to bed. I don’t know if that was causal or a coincidence but it was enough ensure I meditated the following days, no matter what.
You might think it insane for me to attribute this change in mood to one measly week of meditation. Maybe the meditation didn’t cause this change, maybe it’s hormonal or something else. All I know is I’ve never meditated like this before and I’ve never felt this way before and I plan on keeping it up for the next two months at least. I’m sure by then I will know if I want to continue or not.
I have to chuckle because I was writing this post on my iPad (because I’m a masochist) and I inexplicably lost three (brilliantly well-written) paragraphs and the ones I typed in their place are so glaringly inferior to their predecessors and yet, here I am, totally unfazed by the whole thing. Normally I would be unhinged by such an unnecessary loss (seriously, WHAT HAPPENED?!) of time, effort and good writing but tonight it just doesn’t bother me. At all (okay, maybe a little). Maybe it’s just a coincidence but I really don’t think it is.
Lather-free. My final project is of the frivolous persuasion, which is just what I need right now. I honestly can’t tell you why I’m doing this, except that it’s something. to. do. that doesn’t matter and has no lasting ramifications and is just different and therefor mildly interesting (at least to me). I’ve decided I’m going to jump on the (crazy hippie) no-shampoo bandwagon. But because I’m a girl who loves a good lather in my hair more than most things, I’m detoxing slowly. I purchased some (ridiculously expensive) low-poo (yes, this is what actual people actually call this) which will lather a little bit and then when that is out I’ll get some no-poo (yes, also really a thing) non-lathering shampoo and finally over our two week Xmas break I’ll stop shampooing completely and just switch to a baking soda rinse every few days. I’m waiting until the break because it supposedly takes a couple weeks for the grease to get under control and while I’m willing to show up at school looking pretty haggard, I draw the line at appearing to have stopped grooming for an extended period.
The reality is, showering takes time I don’t have right now and I’d love to save money and resources (mostly water, precious water!) by not shampooing my hair every day. I also think I’m a good candidate for this because I don’t “do” my hair, I never use product or blow dry it. In fact, one of the reasons I’m doing this is I hate air drying the lion’s mane on my head in the winter, when it can stay damp for hours, sometimes a whole day. I also have (relatively) pretty hair that gets frizzy when left down which prompts me to wear it in a ponytail EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Maybe, if it stops being so frizzy (shampooing actually dries out hair, making it frizz) I’ll actually wear it down every once in a while. A girl can dream, right?
So those are my three projects this month. Wish me luck as I meditate on my new novel during the precious minutes when I would have been washing my hair. 😉