None of us ever want to be fully revealed. All our faults and weakness laid bare for the world to see.
-Dexter (Season 7, Episode 1)
I used to love Dexter. I feel like it jumped the shark a few seasons ago but I’m watching (what was supposed to be) the final season. I just can’t not watch.
I’m starting a little late. I just watched the first episode recently. At the very end there was a line that spoke to me. Actually, it prompted me to speak to myself.
I believe it’s true, that none of us wants to be fully revealed. Even if we do so under an anonymous name. If that is true, why do I keep coming on here, laying all my faults and weakness bare for the world to see?
I’m starting to feel exposed. This is the most difficult time I’ve ever dealt with while writing my blog. And I’m putting it all out there. And I’m starting to realize what that entails.
If you write everything about yourself, you give a little bit of yourself away.
And when you have as little of yourself left as I do, I don’t know if it’s a good idea to give even a small something away.
I don’t know how to proceed. All I know is what I’m doing doesn’t feel right anymore. Or it doesn’t feel as right. When I think about whether I should take Zoloft or not, I think about what people here will think if I do, or don’t. I actually feel kind of pressured to go on something. It’s not that anyone has pressured me specifically, but I’ve gotten enough emails and comments urging me to do it, that I have a pretty good idea of what people think I should do.
I get the impression my readers feel I’m being irresponsible by not taking something. And I can understand why people would feel that way. I can understand why–to an outside observer–it might seem completely obvious what I should do. But it’s never that obvious. It’s never that cut and dry. The pros and cons of every choice mix together into a murky grey.
In the end the choice has to be made by me, and the only people who will have any say are my partner and my psychiatrist. And that is how it should be. But if I dump all this baggage on my blog, do I owe my readers more?
That might seem like a ridiculous question. Maybe it is. I’m not trying to imply anyone feels that I do owe them anything, I’m just puzzling this out for myself. The truth is, I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m just writing about my life, my (questionable) fertility, my (unquestionable) depression, my struggles. I don’t know where any of this goes. I don’t know what my story will be, how long any of this will take, where my sub-functioning body and mind will take me. I’m just muddling along, trying to figure it out, day by day. And writing here is a part of that. But for the first time, I’m not sure if it’s actually the best thing.
On a day to day basis, I absolutely feel this blog is a wonderful thing for me. It’s an outlet, a release. And it’s a source of support and understanding. Both those functions make it invaluable. But at the end, when it’s all over, when I move on, how will I feel about it all being here? How will I feel about my demons spending eternity exposed, for all the world to see? How will I feel about my daughter reading this some day, or my daughter’s daughter?
How do I feel about people being able to judge me, for what I do or don’t do? For how I handle things? If you offer yourself up in this kind of way, you can’t expect people to just give you carte blanche. You can’t expect them not to form opinions. How do I feel about people having so much information about me on which to base their assumptions? How do I handle the myriad consequences of what writing this blog entails?
The truth is I’m not sure anymore. Maybe I’ll never be sure.
And I want to make clear that I harbor no resentment toward anyone for anything they’ve said, either in a comment or an email. My feelings were never hurt. I never felt angry or upset. I know that EVERYONE has reached out from a place of concern. And this is not one of those situations where I’m lashing out at people who are only trying to help me. I’m just working through the confusing feelings surrounding this complex situation.
I’m just trying to make sense of it, so I can move forward from a place of understanding, so that I know what I’m getting myself into by writing or not writing here. So I have a clearer idea of the consequences and can better accept and even embrace them.
That’s all I’m trying to do. Please bear with me.