Lesser of two evils

Yesterday Isa woke up from her nap with a fever. She had been coughing all day and it only got worse that afternoon. Mi.Vida has been taking a lot of time off from work for deliveries and handimen coming to (charge us to exorbitant fees to) fix stuff around the house, plus he took her first sick day a couple of weeks ago. So after I mentally scanned my day and realized I could, conceivably, submit sub plans without going in to set up my room, I said I’d stay at home with Isa the next day.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. At 1:30am, five hours into preparing my sub plans, I felt differently.

But I did get the plans done and sent. And it was clear this morning that Isa was not in any shape to go to school (even if the 24-hour-no-fever rule hadn’t kept her home).

It was also clear that cycle nine was officially over. Mercifully, AF showed her bloody face first thing, a courtesy I absolutely appreciated. It’s nice to finally be able to move on after the mind-fuck that has been the past four days.

I also sent an email to my psychiatrist requesting an appointment. She doesn’t see patients much so it might be hard for me to get in to see her but hopefully it will happen sooner rather than later.

Our pre-RE class at Kaiser is the final Tuesday in November. That is four weeks away. We’ll either be newly pregnant and trying to decide if we should go or embarking on our eleventh cycle. Only time will tell. I have no idea what happens after the class. Absolutely none. I have no idea what Kaisers covers/does and how much treatments cost. I haven’t looked into any of it because I’m kind of terrified that they don’t do much or that even if they do, the coverage is shitty. We have almost no savings to draw from for any treatments, so if this has to be mostly out of pocket, we’ll be shit out of luck. For once in my life I don’t want to know, I’m not doing any research, because if we can’t get pregnant on our own, Kaiser is our only shot and if they can’t help us, we’re fucked. I just can’t go there right now, so I’m not.

In the time it took me to write that (and then do a bunch of stuff with Isa this afternoon), my psychiatrist called me back. She wrote me a script for Zo.loft. You’d think I’d feel relief but I don’t, only trepidation. I have absolutely NO DESIRE to go on Zo.loft. I don’t think it will help my depression much but I absolutely believe it will cause me to gain a ton of weight, which I think will make me more depressed. It sucks because Zo.loft is the safest SSRI for pregnancy so basically, since I don’t have anything else that I’ve been on, it’s all they’ll offer me. I’m not even sure if it’s the lesser of two evils or just a totally different evil. I will go pick it up but I honestly don’t know if I’ll take it. I just don’t know what to do.

It sucks that there are no good options right now. Absolutely none. Everything comes at such a heavy, heavy price. I’m so sick of this.

3 responses

  1. I’m sorry Isa is sick, but I’m glad AF decided to show up right on time to relieve the stress of the past few days of symptoms. I really wish psychiatrists would start seeing patients more than just writing scripts. They have this wonderful education yet don’t feel it’s necessary to use it other than a DEA number. I’m sending you hugs and hoping you feel better soon!

  2. I don’t understand how a psychiatrist can write a prescription without seeing you. Nor do I understand why someone would want that job, only writing prescriptions and not talking to patients.

    It is too bad your choices for medication are so limited, too. Good luck!

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