My body is fucking with me. It’s 14DPO, my period is due tomorrow (when you will be reading this) but my temperature hasn’t dropped like it should and my boobs are still crazy sore. If I hadn’t peed on THREE STICKS in the past three days, only to see stark white BFNs I’d be pretty damn sure I were pregnant. But I’m obviously not. My body just figures I haven’t had a hard enough time of it this month and wants to keep stoking that bitch Hope a day or so longer.
Actually, it’s probably the increased B6 I’m taking (500mgs up from 150mgs) but still, it’s really messing with my mind.
If I’m not waking up to bloody panties while you’re reading this Monday morning, I will lose my fucking mind. Truly.
It struck me recently that this blog is as much a treatise on mental illness as it is on TTC#2. I apologize for slowly and insidiously changing the subject matter on you over the last year. That wasn’t very nice of me at all.
Actually, my writing about my mental illness (or my mental illness being apparent in my writing) has actually clarified some important points for me personally, especially regarding my medication.
The medication that I take (and love) is a strange thing and I always wondered why it worked so well for me, because, frankly, it shouldn’t. The medicine I take is actually an anti-seizure medication that some doctors prescribed off label to treat ADD. My sister actually started taking it for her ADD and found it really helpful, so I started taking it as well. This was after a year or so hiatus from my most recent three year span or anti-depressants.
I LOVED being on this medication. It was AMAZING. No other medication made me feel as great as the one I was taking. My sister ended up going off it because it gave her some weird heart palpitations but I never experienced that. It did have a few negative side effects but they definitely seemed worth it.
But I always wondered, why this specific medication not only helped control my ADD but also seemed to keep my depression at bay. I was on this stuff for three years before I started TTC and I didn’t have one significant depressive episode on the stuff. If it was just treating my ADD, why did it help resolve my depression?
And then we had the discussion here about my Bi-Polar II diagnosis and I looked it up again and saw that the treatments for it have changed in the decade since I was “diagnosed.” Now, two of the main treatments are actually anti-seizure medications. So maybe, just maybe, my ADD medication was actually treating my bi-polar II and that is why I didn’t have a recurrence of a major depressive episode during the years I was taking it. I’ll definitely be bringing this up with my psychiatrist when I next see her.
I know few of you (maybe none of you) can understand why I’m not going on an SSRI now, given how much I am struggling. I’m sure you all have your own guesses for why I refuse. The truth is, I just really don’t want to be on an SSRI right now. I just don’t think it will help. I have taken them in the past to quell depressive episodes and they’ve never made me feel that great. Maybe it’s a symptom of having bi-polar II instead of just generalized depression. Maybe it’s just that I haven’t found the right SSRI for me yet. Or maybe no SSRI ever really resolves your depression, maybe they just make depression more bearable. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that if I’m going to subject my hoped for child to a medication with know and unknown risks, I want it to be worth it.
Having said that I do plan on making an appointment with my psychiatrist to see what she has to say. Hopefully, together, we can figure something out because just waiting and hoping to get pregnant is obviously not working. At all.