I’m not pregnant, just an idiot

Want to hear a funny story? Actually it’s not at all funny but I’m going to tell it anyway.

Yesterday I POAS. And there was the faintest line. And I knew, just knew I was pregnant.

Everything thing this month had worked out. We timed it perfectly, I had some (albeit not much) CM, I was going to acupuncture. I just knew, knew my suspicions were correct.

And all day I was walking on air. And I thought about having a baby due in early July, and taking next year off of work and how amazing Isa would be as a big sister.

I imagined my completed family.

Before bed Mi.Vida and I hugged and we talked about how screwed we’d be with another baby in the house. And then we laughed and looked into each others eyes and I whispered, I can’t believe I’m pregnant. Even a faint line means it’s true. I’m really pregnant. Finally.

And then this morning I went to POAS again. And I realized the package looked slightly different. Both internet cheapies, both blue, the same size, almost identical but this one had a border around the edges of one side. And then I looked more closely and I realized my horrible mistake. Yesterday’s stick had been an OPK. I thought I was out. Somehow it had been packed in with my pregnancy tests, in the little plastic bag. And they are almost the same color, and the same size and from the back they look the same. And I thought yesterday I was taking an HCG test but I wasn’t.

Today I did.

I’m not pregnant.

Just the biggest idiot in the world who hates herself more than words can say.

Nope, not pregnant, just heartbroken.

And so, so angry at myself.

(Just to be clear, the OPK wasn’t positive, it just showed a very faint line that on a PG test would be considered positive. On an OPK it doesn’t mean anything. Also, I’m only angry at myself for putting myself through this horrible mindfuck. A BFN yesterday would have sucked, but it would have sucked WAY less than being sure I was pregnant for a day only to find out it was mistake.)

18 responses

  1. I thought OPKs worked as pregnancy tests. They definitely don’t show ovulation lines more than a couple of days after you ovulate, I don’t think. How many dpo are you?

    I am sorry you got your hopes up – that sucks!

  2. Oh that sucks. However, I thought that an opk would turn up a positive like a hpt too, once you were well past ovulation. I’m so sorry. You are not an idiot…anyone would be extremely heartbroken at this turn of events after you thought you had a positive. I’m so very sorry.

  3. Oh I am so so sorry. You are NOT an idiot, please do not beat yourself up. You just let that fucker “hope” into your heart. Which is actually quite brave, and dangerous, but NOT stupid.

  4. I know nothing about OPKs, so I can’t comment on why an OPK would be postive wayyyy past ovulation. I’ve heard them being used as HPTs, too.

    What I do know? You are not an idiot. I’m going to say this on every post until you take me seriously… Please, PLEASE, be kind to yourself. Be angry that you’re not pregnant. Be pissed at IF, at the universe. But it’s not your fault.

    Hugs.

    xoxo

  5. I don’t even test anymore. I just wait for the period that always manages to come sooner or later. When it’s later I do spend the day thinking about what I’ll name it for my blog though. *crazy* I’m so so sorry.

  6. Oh that just sucks!!! I am so sorry. It is such an easy/understandable mistake and you are not an idiot, though I totally get you feeling like one. Here is a post that I wrote after once again I “should have known better” than to think I could actually have been pregnant:

    http://bereavedandblessed.com/2008/12/i-know-better/

    Ironically, for what its worth, both cycles before we conceived Sean and Abby I totally thought I was pregnant and had Bob convinced and was crushed when I wasn’t. Then the next cycle I was totally cynical that there was no way I was after the previous cycle (but of course I still kinda thought I was and certainly hoped I was) and then somehow I ended up being pregnant (six years apart at that, but the same time of year, within days).

    Hang in there! I am believing with you that it will still happen for you soon! Maybe it will just be an August baby instead of July?! At least that’s what I use to always tell myself, finding ways to rationalize the positives about the hypothetical EDD being moved ahead a month and the age difference between our children getting bigger. xoxo

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