Denied at the Door

Again I am here doing what I need to do.

Again I am apologizing.

Apologizing for feelings hurt. For insensitivity. For selfishness.

I am sorry to those who left supportive comments on yesterday’s first post. I’m sorry that my second post didn’t acknowledge those comments. I’m sorry that by focusing on what I perceived as negativity and misunderstanding in some comments I disrespected the empathy expressed in others. I’m sure that wasn’t the first time I did such a thing and it surely won’t be the last. I do apologize for any disrespect I showed you. That was not my intent. I know my words can not undo what I did but I hope they can help.

And I want people to know that I took what they said to me to heart. It saddens me greatly to think that people might not want to comment here for fear of what I might say about them or their comment either directly or indirectly. I guess I’m good at speaking the truth but not very good at hearing it. And that is a pretty shitty way to be. It’s also shitty to be angry and defensive and belligerent. I really need to work on all this stuff. I need to take things better. If I’m going to write about stuff that provokes thought I have to be ready to read responses that provoke my own thoughts. At least that is how I want to be.

And now, with that said, yet another post brought to you by… ISOLATION.

I know. It’s a thrilling theme, right? Who knows, maybe it will continue all week long, exacerbated by my shitty responses to people’s comments. (That was not meant to be facetious, I really do feel I responded poorly yesterday to people’s comments).

Actually, this post is mostly in response to Tio’s comment on my last post which I’ll paste here so as to save you the trouble of clicking over to it. (Though I’d love the page views that would tally. 😉

E, do you think there will be some measure of relief for you if/when you reach the point of actively undergoing ART? Obviously you hope you’ll get pregnant before that (I hope you do too!), but when I read your last two posts and put myself in your shoes I thought that in some ways I’d be relieved to reach the point of ART. Partly because then I’d “belong” and partly because I would be able to justify to myself (and maybe to others) why the TTC process was so difficult. I was just wondering if you feel a bit like that too.

This comment really hit home for me. Really helped some things fall into place.

Because I think the truth is, there will be some relief if we reach the one year mark, not just because we’ll be eligible (if that is the proper term) for treatments but because I will actually, in the most basic of ways, belong to this community.

I think there is a part of me that is afraid if I get pregnant in the next few months, it will erase all the struggle it took to get here. Like if I get pregnant before a year is over, those nine or ten or eleven months of waiting and wondering and hurting and struggling will become null and void. And while I will be so happy and relieved to be pregnant, I don’t know if I’m ready to walk away from these months without being able to recognize them, without having them validating in some way.

And it will be hard to once again feel like I don’t really belong in this community, like waiting in line for an exclusive club and then right when you get to the door, being denied entrance.

Boo hoo! You must all be thinking. She’s sad she might not get entrance into the club NO ONE WANTS TO JOIN! And I think it totally makes sense to think I’m crazy for recognizing a desire inside of myself to belong to this community. Maybe I am crazy. (Actually, haven’t we pretty much concluded that I am mentally unwell?) But when you don’t belong to the only other organized “club” out there, sometimes even the club with the shitty qualifications is better than milling around with the leftovers who have no system for even recognizing each other, let alone providing support.

The truth is, this community means SO MUCH TO ME, it’s hard to spend so much time here when I feel, in my very core, like an impostor and a fraud. When I’m constantly worried that my presence will cause other people pain, that my words of sympathy or encouragement are not worth of their struggles.

So yeah, I think part of me worries that I’ll get pregnant in these next months and not only will I fail to meet the membership requirements a second time (though I guess my first attempt really doesn’t even come close since I did get pregnant in the middle of those eleven months of trying), but it will be expected of me to walk away from these months of trying with nary a psychic scar to carry with me. I don’t know if I’m ready for people to expect me to walk away from these months like that. And I’m not saying people specifically in this community will expect that, but anyone, anywhere, especially in real life.

Heck, even my PARTNER won’t have patience with my need to process this experience; getting pregnant in the next three months will just prove him right, that there isn’t anything wrong, that it’s just shitty luck and that I’m crazy for thinking otherwise.

I’ve mentioned that Mi.Vida thinks I’m nuts for worry about this stuff right? Talk about isolation. Not even my partner understands how hard this is and he’s supposed to be experiencing it with me.

So yeah, I’m in a weird place where I’m desperate to get pregnant and simultaneous kind of afraid to, where I want to move forward with treatments but am scared of what they entail both emotionally and financially (I’m actually terrified that we won’t be able to afford them at all, especially after buying the house). So yeah, it’s a weird place to be and I guess I’m just trying to process that… in the most ungraceful way I know how, of course. 😉


One response

  1. ok, so I don’t know what this is about as I didn’t see your earlier posts. I just wonder why you are apologizing once again for expressing your thoughts and feelings in this space, for what you write (or don’t write). I admit ignorance, but it seems as if you give such great weight to what others think, to how others perceive you and your struggle, to whether you truly ‘belong’ in the “IF community.” I imagine that all the worrying — including about whether you might actually get pregnant before the 1 yr mark — has to impact your psyche and well being, and your writing for that matter.

    I realize I don’t really know what I’m talking about in this instance — and it goes without saying that you should feel free to ignore it — but from an outsider’s perspective, it seems like you are wasting precious energy here. that is not to say (at all) that your feelings are not real or significant, just wondering aloud, so to speak. hope you understand what I’m trying to say…

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