This morning my daughter woke up at 5:08am. Somehow I had the piece of mind to ask Mi.Vida to get up and check on her because I knew I needed to take my temperature. Even an hour an a half before I usually take it, my temp was 98.0. All signs point to Oing on Sunday, which is when we did the deed for the second time this month.
We finally hit my O date! And without any prolonged fuss or confusion. To say I was excited would be an understatement. In fact, I was so giddy I couldn’t even fall back asleep. When I finally left with Isa at 8am I’d already been up for almost THREE HOURS.
But I felt great. I felt fan-fucking-tastic. Seriously. I was walking on air. You’d have thought I’d peed on an FRER and seen two lines. Truly, it was like I’d already gotten the positive.
Hope came into my life in a big way this morning. She basically busted down my door like a SWAT team, yelling and screaming and casting all rational thought aside. GET DOWN! GET DOWN! GET DOWN! Hope guns blaring! No rational thought allowed up in this joint. Oh hellz no, we have so much hope we might as well be rubbing a big ‘ole belly.
Seriously, this morning, on my way to work, I was day dreaming like it was a sure thing. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, I don’t know why hitting my O date so easily and effortlessly has me this happy, why I think that is all that needs to happen for the rest to fall into place. All I do know is this is a DANGEROUS place to be. I need to put my hands over my head and walk slowly out of this house that hope has taken over, lest I get cut down in the vicious crossfire that is sure to come.
Man oh man, TTC is such a head fuck. I don’t know how many more months of this I have in me. I guess I don’t have to have many, as we see are supposedly seeing RE at the end of the calendar year. It definitely feels like–with that date looming–these final months are my last chance. If it doesn’t happen this month, or in November, I feel like it’s over for us. That is a lot of pressure to put on us. It’s a lot of pressure to put on a cycle that seems to be working out perfectly, after so many went to shit so spectacularly.
Man oh man. If I’m not pregnant at the end of this month it’s going to be really fucking hard for me to handle. I guess I’ll just try to enjoy these two weeks before it all comes crashing down.
I give up hope! I surrender! Just please let me go. Please don’t hurt me.