When Hope Took Me Hostage

This morning my daughter woke up at 5:08am. Somehow I had the piece of mind to ask Mi.Vida to get up and check on her because I knew I needed to take my temperature. Even an hour an a half before I usually take it, my temp was 98.0. All signs point to Oing on Sunday, which is when we did the deed for the second time this month.

We finally hit my O date! And without any prolonged fuss or confusion. To say I was excited would be an understatement. In fact, I was so giddy I couldn’t even fall back asleep. When I finally left with Isa at 8am I’d already been up for almost THREE HOURS.

But I felt great. I felt fan-fucking-tastic. Seriously. I was walking on air. You’d have thought I’d peed on an FRER and seen two lines. Truly, it was like I’d already gotten the positive.

Hope came into my life in a big way this morning. She basically busted down my door like a SWAT team, yelling and screaming and casting all rational thought aside. GET DOWN! GET DOWN! GET DOWN! Hope guns blaring! No rational thought allowed up in this joint. Oh hellz no, we have so much hope we might as well be rubbing a big ‘ole belly.

Seriously, this morning, on my way to work, I was day dreaming like it was a sure thing. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, I don’t know why hitting my O date so easily and effortlessly has me this happy, why I think that is all that needs to happen for the rest to fall into place. All I do know is this is a DANGEROUS place to be. I need to put my hands over my head and walk slowly out of this house that hope has taken over, lest I get cut down in the vicious crossfire that is sure to come.

Man oh man, TTC is such a head fuck. I don’t know how many more months of this I have in me. I guess I don’t have to have many, as we see are supposedly seeing RE at the end of the calendar year. It definitely feels like–with that date looming–these final months are my last chance. If it doesn’t happen this month, or in November, I feel like it’s over for us. That is a lot of pressure to put on us. It’s a lot of pressure to put on a cycle that seems to be working out perfectly, after so many went to shit so spectacularly.

Man oh man. If I’m not pregnant at the end of this month it’s going to be really fucking hard for me to handle. I guess I’ll just try to enjoy these two weeks before it all comes crashing down.

I give up hope! I surrender! Just please let me go. Please don’t hurt me.

7 responses

  1. Man, reading this… took me back to the years where I felt like hope was the Enemy. I described it once like eating a whole pan of brownies – was soooo good while it lasted, but the sugar hangover was awful.

    It is so hard to give into hope – because there’s such a chance of being hurt. The instinct for self-protection is strong.

    That said, if this cycle DOES let you down, and you fall really hard, you know how to pick yourself up. You’ve been doing it for the past 8 months. You have a RE visit scheduled, you have all these cute clothes for the fall, and you have all of us behind you, ready to hold you up when you don’t think you can stand on your own.

    So for today? Go with the hope.

    xoxo

  2. Sorry for the head fuck but the SWAT team part has me cracking up. I hope very much that you don’t have to have a letdown at the end of this month, but you’ll have lots of support in the comments section if you need it.

  3. I always felt that the progesterone surge after ov always put me on cloud 9. It’s why I felt so good supplementing with the nat’l progest – that stuff makes me happy!
    Hoping this is the month for you – fx!

  4. Hooray for great timing! I recall how encouraged I would feel during those cycles. In Sempteber 2005, yes, I remember, I Oed right around our 5th anniversary. We had gone away for the weekend and our timing was perfect! It was so nice after months of every other day, whether or not we were in the mood. Anyway, we did get pregnant that cycle and I thought it was mean to be! It ended up being our third early loss/the ectopic. But that’s not my point. I am trying to say that *sometimes* our instincts can be right. I am hoping with you that yours are this cycle and that this will be the cycle for you! How fun would it be for you and Keiko to PG together?! Anyway, hoping this is your cycle! I will be here to support you either way!

  5. I’m with you sista. Although I’d be all about medical intervention, give me a shot to make sure this shit happens now! (I know that’s not how it goes, especially with my non diagnosable ass, but I like to daydream about insurance coverage of the stars and all doors opened and healthy babies arriving in mulitples. Issues, I have them.)

  6. You had me cracking up with the swat team metaphor and then broke my heart with that last line. You are such a good writer.
    I know how frustrating it’s been this year to keep getting derailed by stupid shit, so naturally having all the pieces come together for once has GOT to feel good.
    Fingers, toes, and everything else crossed for you.

  7. I, for one, am excited that you’re going to see an RE. I was like you – that last month of our obligatory “try on your own for 12 months,” was the most stressful month of my life, because I didn’t want to be branded as infertile. I screamed at B during our entire hike down a mountain the morning after my LH surge because he would not do the deed in 55 degree weather on a mountain top in a tent. I was crazy.

    But, once we were in the hands of the RE, a weight was lifted. I felt like it wasn’t just up to ME to get the job done. I felt like I had a team of people helping me – guiding me – telling me what to do. I loved that. It felt so good to not be the only one vested in the process. It felt good having someone else telling B when we had to do it, or come in for an IUI. I was no longer the bad guy – and it released so much tension for me.

    I hope you have the same experience. I so hope for you!

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