Time Warp Tuesday: Hope

It’s been a long time since I participated in Kathy (of Bereaved and Blessed)’s Time Warp but this month’s topic seemed too timely to pass up. That is because this month the Time Warp Tuesday theme is Hope.

I doubt there is another community that has such a strange relationship with hope. The ALI community loves and hates hope. We cling to it and push it away. We need it while we worry it might destroy us. Hope can lift us up and send us crashing down. Hope is tenuous and powerful and deceptive and wonderful all at once. Hope is hard to hold on to and even harder to let go of. Hope is well… hope.

I wrote this post on the eve of second attempt at TTC. I can’t believe that was in February. I can’t believe I wrote that post nine months ago. If I had known nine months ago where I’d be today, I wouldn’t have felt much hope.

And the truth is, I don’t feel much hope anymore. I’ve obviously lost all hope that having a second child will be a smooth and easy experience. I have lost all hope that even one part of our family building process will be what I expected. I’ve lost all hope that my family will look like what I expected it would look like. I’ve lost all hope that this second attempt won’t ravage our relationship, leaving it in tatters by the end.

I’ve lost all hope for any of those things because they’ve already happened in the ways I’d hoped they wouldn’t.

But I haven’t lost all hope that I’ll have another baby some day. I may never think the cycle we’re on will be the one but I do believe that some day, some cycle will be the one. And while I don’t have much hope that what I’m doing will increase our chances of conceiving, I still do those things.

And while I do have a slim hope that we’ll conceive on our own, I’ve made an appointment with an RE in case we can’t. So I suppose I do have hope that we could some day afford treatments, and that they may help us, if we need them.

So there is hope, it’s tenuous but it’s there. And I suppose it’s getting me through, because without it, this really would be a dark path to walk.

I have to admit, re-reading that post makes me sad. It’s sad to see where I was back then, nine months ago. It’s hard to see how much hope I harbored that it would be different. It’s hard to see how misguided I was. It makes me wonder if the hope I hold now is equally as misguided. It makes me wonder if someday I’ll look back at the hope written here and scoff at it like I scoff at the post written nine months ago.

I don’t want hope to make a fool out of me, but I also need it to get through, and that is why I’ll always despise hope as much as I need it.

6 responses

  1. Welcome back to Time Warp Tuesday! As I shared in my comment on the post you are revisiting today, I was so happy to see that you linked up!

    I love your paragraph about the ALI communities relationship with hope, it is a very complicated one.

    I get how painful it is to see how hopeful you were nine months ago compared to now. I am truly sorry that things have not played out differently on your journey to try to expand your family.

    I am glad that you have a plan and contacted an RE. While that is obviously no gauruntee of another child, taking action no matter how big or small always helped me feel some sense of control and hope during a time when I had little control in reality and volleyed back and forth between states of hopefulness and hopelessness.

    Thank you for sharing how you are feeling today and what your thoughts and plans are for the future. I hope that and receiving support, encouragement and validation here gives helps you to feel more catiously optimism going forward.

    You can do this! It is scuba roller coaster ride, but I believe in you and that one way or another you will bring home another child someday. I certainly hope that day comes soon, but in the meantime I will abide with you, pray for you, and send love, light and positive thoughts your way. Hang in there!

    I am living proof of how we truly never know what path may lead us to another child. There were so many times I almost have up hope, so many times I tried to make peace with mothering an only (living) child. I would rationalize all the reasons that would be okay, even good for our family. But I still always had a spark of hope inside me and wanted more. And somehow it happened on a way that I never imagined after all we went through. I still don’t know what to make of that, but feel very grateful and lucky, after many years of being unlucky.

    Thanks again so much for doing the Time Warp with us this month! I have missed you being a part of this blog hop and am so glad to have you back this time! 🙂

  2. PS – I was just re-reading my comment and all the typos (as I am doing this on my phone) and laughed out loud when I saw that it says you are on a “scuba roller coaster ride!” That isn’t what I meant, but in someways it probably describes even better how challenging it is to deal with disappointment while wanting and trying to have another child! xoxo

  3. Hope….she seems to be making the rounds lately. And to be perfectly honest, I am kind of done with her wreaking havoc on my friends and family. I read your last post, which I just realized was reposted from Feb, and I am so right there with you.

    I have lost hope, but not all of it. It’s still dangling there by a tiny little thread fraying a little bit more by the minute, but somehow is still there.

    I do think it’s interesting though how I can have hope for you and my other friends in the ALI world, but I seem to have given up on my own…

    I’m still hoping and I’m glad you can see a second child in your future, even if this cycle isn’t THE one….but I’m really hoping it is! 🙂

  4. Esperanza, there is nothing misguided about when you wrote this in February: “That fear is gone and, as you can imagine, the effect is remarkable. Surely this experience will be better if only for that. With that wild, uncontainable beast at bay, I have faith I can manage my trepidation and dominate my doubt.”

    There is fire, courage and boldness within you. And this post is proof that you’re rekindling that flame within. Hoping right with you.

  5. Exactly! “Hope is tenuous and powerful and deceptive and wonderful all at once.” This is why I consider Hope a frenemy.

    I agree with Keiko, the brave and courageous Keiko. I see you, also, as brave and courageous in daring to hope.

    Hugs to you.

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