Determined

I was determined to enjoy this weekend. After a hellish week, I was going to have a good time, no matter what was thrown my way.

And you know what? I did have a good weekend. A really good weekend.

Friday night started off great but then got derailed by some “heavy conversations” after which I felt like the world’s biggest asshole for creating this monstrous black hole of “wanting another child” that is threatening to suck into it the three orbiting bodies of my small family. Friday night ended with the deeply painful realization that there is nothing most heartbreaking than crying alone in the bathroom when you know the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone on earth hears you crying but doesn’t come in to comfort you. There is no word in the English language that adequately expresses that kind of lonely longing.

But we picked ourselves up and by Saturday afternoon the psychic bruises were already dulling to a yellowish purple.

Saturday my parents took Isa and we went to a tailgate followed by our homecoming football game. Mi.Vida and I met at Cal football tailgates and I attribute his presence in my life to them, so going is always a positive a thing for me. Getting trashed didn’t hurt either.

The game ended up being a really good timet too, as we not only won but we got to watch some interesting football (which is really saying something when it comes from a girl who doesn’t really find football all that enthralling).

We came home pretty late and luckily we were already sobering up. Besides some heartburn and a little nausea this morning I was feeling alright, though I was plagued with some strange, recurring stress dream about testing students at work which drove home just how poisonous my current work situation is. I really, REALLY hope I don’t have that dream again tonight.

Today we had a housewarming party at our new place (there will be pictures forthcoming, I promise). It was so fun to have people over, celebrating our new home. Our parents helped us with food and we bought a ton of snacks and beer and people came in waves so there were never too many guests at once. We had gorgeous weather and spend most of the afternoon in the backyard, which means our house is still all clean! Woot! The whole day was just a welcome reminder of how thankful we are to have our new house, to have fulfilled an important dream of setting down roots in San Francisco, despite how difficult it is for middle class families to stay here. This house is a huge victory for us, in so many ways, and it’s been too easy to forget all that in the stress of work and life. Today was a celebration of an amazing achievement for our family, one neither of us takes for granted.

So that is where we are right now, at the end of a really great weekend, one we really, really needed. I hope you all had great weekends as well.

3 responses

  1. I’m so glad you had a great weekend…you really deserved it! Hope the positive thinking keeps influencing your days and they get better and better!! HUGS!

  2. oh, that “lonely longing”. I completely get that. I’d much rather be alone than with someone (the person who’s supposed to love you & get you more than anyone) but can’t offer any support. I’m glad the rest of the weekend redeemed itself, but I’m so sorry you had to “move on” without getting the comfort you needed & wanted.

  3. I agree, it feels so, so awful to know your partner can hear your pain but chooses not to comfort you. I hate that.

    So glad your weekend got better. I’m excited that you had a house warming! Can’t wait to see the pictures.

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