Positive Steps

There really are no word to express how much the outpouring of love and support after my last two posts have meant to me. All the comments, the emails, the private messages have made me feel cared about in ways I’ve never experienced before in my life. Thank you just doesn’t seem at all adequate, but right now it’s all I have. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

As has been obvious things are hard right now and I’m not handling it well. The shit show that is work makes it really hard for me to be good to myself, but I also realize that I HAVE to be better to myself or things are going to reach crisis mode sooner rather than later.

I have made a promise to myself that my focus this month will be on nourishing myself. I am going to make self-care a priority for at least a small portion of every day. I’m going to acupuncture, I’m taking Chinese herbs and supplements again, I’m going to yoga and I’m just trying to be nicer to myself. I’m also making a commitment to meditate at least ten minutes every day. I’ve written a lot about how acceptance is something I understand but can’t practice and I bemoan how impossible it is seems to achieve. And yet every book I’ve read on the subject has always prescribed one practice and one practice only to achieve acceptance, and that is meditation. I’ve always known how important it is to quiet the mind and yet I’ve NEVER made time for it in my life. It’s time now to make meditation a priority. So I’m committing to ten minutes a day, no matter what. Even if I have to fit it in right before bed, it will happen. I do believe ten minutes of meditation is as helpful to me as ten minutes of sleep so I hope remembering that will help me keep this promise to myself.

I also plan to write down three things I’m thankful for at the end of each day. I hope that between the meditation and the practice of gratitude, I can change the way I move through my days, the way I see the world, the way I hope for my future.

I owe it to myself to do this. I owe it to my daughter, to my partner and to the child I hope to some day have.

My period started today and I’m excited to begin this new cycle with a new focus on the positive. I really hope that even if it doesn’t make a difference in my ability to get pregnant, it gives me the strength I need to give it my best shot.

2 responses

  1. Oh E,

    I’ve been thinking of you as I read these posts — and so much more has come to me but I am trying to post here on my favorite blogger sites before Z wakes…I wanted to send an email but I can’t promise it in a timely matter- – what I want to say is this: teaching SUCKS the life out of you…IF SUCKS the life out of you — the two combined nearly killed me… really, those days were hard hard days — so please be easy on yourself, easier said than done I know — and the second is the med piece — I remember G saying to me once that if I had diabetes I wouldn’t withhold myself insulin — so if I had to tweak some brain chemicals that didn’t balance out — why would I do that? It wasn’t a matter of willpower anymore than insulin levels for a diabetic…and I am certain there are things you can take with your IF/pregnancy journey — but of course this is a completely personal choice — all I am saying is I understand…and I have been there — was there for so many years — and remember the descent into depression — and it’s tricky because your intellectual mind can still rationalize things…but slowly the blinders go on…I remember hearing a piece on NPR …can’t for the life of me remember what it was about — but the thing I took away from it was that if you took flies and put them in a jar — screwed the lid on … but then took it off — they still stayed in the jar — and I remember feeling like “That’s ME…I’m THAT FLY!”…. and I wrote on little pieces of paper all over my apartment in Missoula “The Lid is Off of the Jar…”

    You are so talented….I look at your photographs on your other blog with wonder…your eye is fantastic….your children’s book with Penelope (right?) — YOU…the things you have done in your life — no small feat….keep going E…and be gentle with yourself…I told that to jjiraffe just this morning and have to remind myself.

    XO

    Pam

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