Angry

I’m angry. I have been for a while. I know I need to let go of my anger but I can’t seem to. I’m angry at people, at things, at myself. I’m angry for a hundred reasons and no reason at all. I’m angry about being angry.

I want to just let this anger go but I can’t seem to liberate it, to liberate myself from it. Instead it lingers, threatening to consume me. I’m not sure where it came from. I have no idea why it’s so insistent on staying. I don’t believe, rationally, that I can even lay a legitimate claim to it, and yet it’s there, poisoning me, poisoning everything.

I’m not sure how to defeat this anger. I try to vanquish it with rational thought, with raging guilt, with distraction and slight of hand. I try everything I know to stuff it down, put it out, transform it into something positive, but I can’t touch it. It is beyond my reach.

I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to live like this. And yet I can’t let go of this anger, this rage, this frustration with the way things are. I can’t practice acceptance. I can’t embrace what is.

I guess I’m writing this to try to get it out there. To distance myself from it with the consideration that comes with putting into words these forces that threaten to overpower me. It’s a last ditch attempt but I worry it’s too little too late.

I just don’t want to be angry anymore.

2 responses

  1. I feel the same way these days. Ugh! not a good feeling. for me I know it is a result of babyloss and IF. I’m trying to get back to my old self and let it go too, but it’s not easy. So frustrating. Good luck!!!

  2. I hate being constantly angry, too.

    I think sometimes wanting to move on from being angry is the first step. It’s not so much about liberating it or defeating it or channelling it as just growing tired of it. That probably doesn’t help but I haven’t found a better answer šŸ™‚

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