Self-Sabotage and First Steps

Self-sabotage is not something I would have suspected of myself. And I’m not even sure it really applies, but I’ve been thinking, wondering, if I am unconsciously sabotaging my chances of getting pregnant.

There have been at least two, maybe three months in the past seven that we have almost or completely missed, and two of those times it was my fault. This month and last month I got sick exactly when we were supposed to have sex and both times I ovulated early, and without any clues that it was time. In fact, my CM has totally dried up in the past few months so I’m flying blind at this point. With my ovulation date ranging from CD9 to CD19, it’s kind of hard to hit the date without any kind of clue that it’s going to happen.

So we’ve stuck to the every-other-night plan, and frankly, it would have worked pretty well if I didn’t always find myself sick or traveling on the one day we’re supposed to have sex, and then don’t, because I feel like dog crap warmed over.

And then there is the fact that I refuse to do anything proactive to enhance my fertility. Last time I did acupuncture once or twice a week, I took Chinese herbs and followed a strict TCM diet. I did all that for over a year (I started all of it three months before we even started TTC). This time I haven’t even been able to cut Diet Coke out my weekly regimen, let alone processed foods or gluten. I didn’t research acupuncture possibilities until just recently. I just haven’t done much–besides take B6 to lengthen my LP–to help my body get pregnant. And I’m not sure why that is.

I wonder sometimes, if my heart just isn’t in this. I mean, if I really wanted another child, wouldn’t I do EVERYTHING in my power to get one? I know what I’m capable of sacrificing to get pregnant and this time I’m not willing to make any of those sacrifices. Why is that? Do I really want this so much less? Do I believe those things didn’t actually help me to get pregnant? Am I just not so afraid of not getting pregnant, now that I know I can? I’m honestly not sure.

Trying this month has been frustrating. We didn’t time sex well AGAIN and I feel like we’re never going to know if we’re not getting pregnant because something is wrong or just because our timing is shitty. And I know sperm can live for 72 hours or whatever but honestly, in the barren desert that is my vajajay, I doubt anything is living for very long at all. We need to time things pretty well and yet we’re not most times.

So part of me wonders if it’s just not-great timing that has kept us from getting pregnant. And part of me wonders if it’s something else, something more sinister.

And yet I don’t do anything about it, or at least I hadn’t until now.

Yesterday something seemed to snap inside of me and the part of me that wants to take charge finally, well, took charge. I researched community acupuncture places near me and made an appointment for Monday. I even printed out their patient intake form and filled it out.

Then I emailed my OB, asking what Kaiser’s requirements are for making an RE appointment. It takes MONTHS to get a regular non-urgent appointment with your own OB, I figured it would take longer to get an appointment with a specialist. I also expected her to blow me off; she shrugged off most of my fears and concerns when I was trying after my ectopic and during my pregnancy, assuring me that I just had to be patient and everything would be fine. So I expected an email from me about seeing an RE to be rebuffed without much fan fair. Wait another six months and then email me, I thought she’d say. Instead she responded immediately, telling she’d made the referral and I’d be hearing from an REI (as they are called at Kaiser) soon. I was shocked. Did I just make myself an appointment with an fertility specialist? Is that even necessary?

I know I say I’m not infertile on this blog a lot. I realized, when someone mentioned how much I say that, that it might come off in a way I don’t intend at all. I stress the fact that I’m not infertile because I don’t want to annoy anyone who is actually infertile, by making it seem like I’m co-oping the diagnosis. I have not had to deal with even a fraction of what those who are infertile have had to do deal with and I never want to come across as comparing my experience with those of actual IFers because I KNOW they have been through more grueling and harrowing struggles than I could even imagine, let alone live through. And I never want to make it seem like I am likening my experiences to those who have IF because my experience are nowhere near as difficult.

I realized, reading the comment where it was mentioned, that it might come off like I’m trying to distance myself from the diagnosis because I think I’m better than infertiles, that I don’t want people associating me with infertility because I don’t like what it would mean for me. That is not the case at all. If there were a spectrum that ranges from Infertile to Fertile, I definitely feel I lay on the side closer to Infertile. My only purpose in saying I’m not infertile is to assure everyone that I’m not trying to declare my struggles to be something they are not. The last thing I ever want to do is disrespect the experience of those who have lived, or are living, through infertility by saying my struggle is just as hard. What I’m dealing with is NOT as hard, and that is just a fact.

And I know I AM impatient. And I know seven months is NOT a long time. And I feel likeI should just shut the fuck up and get through these next five months before I even start to worry. And yet I am worried. Every month I get a little more worried, worried that something may be wrong. Worried that this whole trying to have another baby thing might take way longer, and require way more of my mental stability, than I expected.

Making an RE appointment scares me, even if I didn’t really mean to do it, the fact that I did sits like a stone in my stomach. And I know I can always cancel, and I hope that I will be canceling because I get pregnant before the appointment even happens, but still, this is scary stuff. These are uncharted waters for me. And while part of me wants to go and take the tests and make sure everything is okay, another part of me wants to just wait and see what happens.

And this is when I’m just not sure if my heart is even in this. Becoming parents took a toll on me and my partner. Our daughter is an amazing child, but she is also exhausting. I would say she is probably one of the 10% of children categorized as a “spirited child,” a label I only care to embrace when I’m trying to validate how challenging it can feel to parent her well. Maybe I really am more scared to have another baby than I realize. Maybe I really am more apathetic about the whole thing that I’m letting on.

Can we really hide these feelings from ourselves? Can we really make ourselves believe something that isn’t true? I don’t know. The other thing I did this week was make an appointment with my therapist’s stand-in because I’m really struggling and I so need someone to talk to about it all. This week is all about me branching out of my comfort zone, trying to hit all this stuff head on. And hopefully, by the beginning of October, I will know what I’m doing to get pregnant, and I’ll feel good about why I’m doing it.

4 responses

  1. I surprise myself all the time with my feelings. Realizations zinging at me after who knows how long feeling like crap with no clue why. It’s especially fun when they are conflicting.

    I was just thinking the other day what qualifies someone to be infertile. After X amount of time trying? The inability to get pregnant without medical intervention? How much intervention swings you over to infertile? The inability to bring home a live baby? Does that count? Because I (used to, not currently happening for me) get pregnant pretty easy considering what others have gone through, it’s the continuing the pregnancy till the kid comes home that seems to be the trouble. Does this put me on the infertile…..spectrum? Or is there some other label for that? Just baby loss mom perhaps.

    I’m curious to know what others think as well.

  2. This is why I love Kym’s (the Smartness) take on emotional infertility – it’s not alwyas about the diagnosis, or anything quantifiable at all.

    We were not very aggressive about pursuing treatments. I sometimes wondered the same thing – did my actions (or lack thereof) indicate lack of desire? But it didn’t. It’s so much more complicated than that… For me there was this huge resentment about having to do anything extra or “special” or different AT ALL. It pissed me off that I had to go above and beyond with timing and effort and whatnot- so I didn’t, sometimes.

  3. I think it’s great that you accidentally scheduled an RE appointment. I’ve always wondered if maybe you are having trouble for some medical reason, and just don’t know about it. I don’t think one should have to wait 12 months to get tested out, or just meet with an RE, if they thnk there may be a problem, or just want to talk things through. Good for your OB for helping you out!

    Maybe just talking with an RE will be helpful.

    In regards to being impatient – I’ve said this in the past. Once you know you want a baby – you want it now. It doesn’t matter if you’re infertile or a fertile myrtle – you want what you want and and you don’t want it to take long to get it. There is nothing wrong with that.

    I hope it wasn’t my comment that you’re referring to, because I didn’t mean it the way you describe above. I pointed out that you’ve said you’re not infertile, because I didn’t want you thinking that I was telling you that you’re not infertile. I’ve certainly never taken your clarification of not being infertile as a way of distancing yourself from infertiles, or thinking you’re better than them. I always took it exactly as you describe above – as being sensitive to those who are medically diagnosed as infertile. Being infertile myself, I appreciate that. I think too many people say they’re infertile when they’re not, and that waters down the diagnosis and makes it seem more like an inconvenience to couples than a bona-fied medical condition or disease that requires treatment. I have always appreciated your clarification.

    But I do think an appointment with an RE is a great thing. I agree with what Elizabeth says – that your actions don’t reflect a lack of desire. I felt like she did – I resented having to go above-and-beyond trying to have a baby when all you’re supposed to have to do is have sex with your husband regularly – and it will happen. I totally get what she’s saying!

  4. There’s a difference between actually not wanting a baby and not wanting to go through what you’ll have to go through to get one. I don’t doubt that you want a baby. And yet I do question whether you’re actually infertile or, as you suggested, having a timing issue. Which is fine. I’m not judging the emotional toll this is taking on you – I’ve found that it’s not always proprtional to the difficulty in getting pregnant. I do think visiting the RE is a good idea, though, if only because it gets you feeling like you’re moving in a positive direction instead of feeling so stuck. When is your appointment? I hope you like the RE and get some satisfying answers, or at least next steps.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s