Tired of Failing

This morning, at 6:30am, Mi.Vida asked me if I wanted to have sex. Of course I didn’t, because, well, did I mention it was 6:30am? Because it was. And what I wanted to do was sleep. Of course, at midnight that night, when Mi.Vida would be coming home from a concert, I’d also want to sleep. And we have to have sex today. So I had to decide which was the lesser of the two evils.

In the end I decided that being woken up later tonight to do the deed was better than rushing it before work, mostly because my scar tissue is acting up again (little good four months of pelvic floor therapy did me) and I didn’t want to be über-uncomfortable all day at work. Still, I was upset and angry. I’m so sick of these one is crappy and the other is slighly less crappy choices. I’m sick of two weeks of every month being ruined by either a forced sex march or by waiting in sick anticipation of AF and then mourning it’s eventual arrival.

I’m just tired of it.

I know, I’m a broken record, but it’s how I feel and there is NO WHERE I can talk about it except here. I don’t even mention these things to Mi.Vida anymore. I never talk about this stuff with anyone.

In fact, today Mi.Vida could tell I was upset and he took the time to ask me why that was. I assured him I wasn’t mad at him, in fact I appreciated him thinking ahead and offering me a choice this morning, that was very thoughtful of him. But when he pressed me to explain what was wrong, I refused to go into it with him. What’s the point? I said instead. Talking about it won’t change anything. And it won’t.

Actually it will, it will change the way Mi.Vida feels about things and right now I’m taking great pride in shielding him from this shit storm the swells every other week in my head. I may not seem to be handling things well here, but I have kept one promise to myself during this attempt at TTC; I’ve done a really good job of protecting my relationship from my inherent craziness. And ultimately, I think that is a really good thing, because sharing my sadness and frustration with Mi.Vida won’t make me feel much better, but it will make him feel a lot worse. And in this way at least one of us can get through these grueling months relatively unscathed. The other of us? Well, she’s used to the scars.

Of course, the downside of this plan is I have no one to talk to. I have to admit, I’m feeling (irrationally) resentful toward my therapist, who abandoned me for the most annoying (to me right now) of reasons (maternity leave). I want so badly to talk these things out with someone but there is just no one around, except my poor friend J who is probably as sick of my shit as I am. (Probably even more so.)

* * * * *

I actually gchatted with Mi.Vida about all this earlier today. He had some interesting things to say. And I realized, as I wrote to him, that I feel so stuck in all of this, like I don’t have any choices. Because honestly, I don’t want to be trying anymore, but I do want to have another kid. So I feel FORCED into trying, but it’s by my own desires. But still, it doesn’t make the forced feeling feel any less forced.

And there is also that feeling of failure. I still feel like every time we try, and fail, to get pregnant, that it’s my fault some how. And I think every time I hear that my IRL do get pregnant easily, it solidifies that feeling that my body is failing when it doesn’t get pregnant easily. I know Mi.Vida doesn’t feel at all like that. He doesn’t personalize the feelings of failure every month. Heck, I don’t even think he gets that disappointed. He’s just doing what he needs to do to stay positive, and frankly, it’s working because he’s been a super star about TTC this time around, and while I like to admit that some of his positivity an be attributed to my keeping the crazies at bay, a lot of it is obviously his own outlook on things. I wish I could adopt his attitude, but I just don’t know how.

The glaring truth is, I don’t really have much hope that it’s every going to work anymore. It’s weird because I do think we’ll get pregnant eventually, but I never think any one cycle will be the one, I just don’t feel like it’s worth all the stress each month because I’m sure the month we’re trying won’t be the month it happens. Does that even make sense?

I’m just talking in circles now and I wasn’t even saying much at the beginning so I better stop now. I’m just tired and sick of feeling like a failure. I’m already failing at so much in my life, it’s hard to put effort toward something else I’m sure I’ll fail at too. I just don’t have it in me anymore.