Today, on the last day of Isa’s fourth week of school, I got the talk: the “your daughter is hitting the other kids” talk.
It was hard.
To be fair the teacher was incredibly nice about it. She just asked that we focus at home on the idea that hands are not for hitting. Of course, we take that very seriously in our house. In fact, hitting is the one thing that earns Isa a time out, but we haven’t had to give her a time out in ages, because she hasn’t hit me in a long time.
I guess that doesn’t mean she’s not hitting at school. Nope, at school she is hitting. And I guess she’s doing it a lot.
I feel horrible. For all the kids at school that she’s hurting. For my poor daughter who’s struggling so much to make this transition. She’s only two and yet she has to spend 8-9 hours a day away from home, with a dozen other kids and three to four teachers. It’s not fair to her and I feel horrible about it.
Lately I feel like I’m really failing at this whole motherhood thing. The simple fact that I have to put my daughter in all-day care is a giant FAIL in and of itself. The fact that being in all-day care is causing her so much trauma only compounds the situation.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt like more of a failure at this whole motherhood thing as I do right now. The fact that I can’t offer my daughter what I think she deserves, well it’s a bitter pill to swallow. The fact that I can’t be with her more, twists my heart deep in my chest.
The one “good” thing about all this is that feeling like a failure makes not getting pregnant a little easier. I truly don’t feel like I deserve another child in my life at all right now. Who am I to want another baby, if I’ll just have to put it in a group care situation all day? What is the point in that?
It’s Friday, and I’m tired and I’m sure tomorrow things will look better. But right now they look pretty bad. I’m worried about my daughter but there is nothing, or very little, that I can do to make it easier for her. Really, she is on her own with this school stuff. And that is a harrowing reality for a two year old girl.
(I also wanted to thank Serenity here (as I already did in an email) for her wonderful advice on my tantrum post. Bringing a snack to school alleviated the tantrum issue so much that we didn’t have one break down the second half of the week. I really can’t thank her enough for her helpful advice. Who needs professional help when you have incredibly smart bloggy friends?! Not this girl!)