Heaven’s Escape

Yesterday, as we walked home from a baby shower, my friends called, and I took in that short, sharp sort of breath reserved for those kinds of phone calls I don’t ever want to get.

But I answered it and after several painful minutes of “How is your new house?!” and “We’re so happy for you!” they broke the news.

Their daughter is exactly nine months younger than Isa. They passed around a sonogram at my 30th birthday, when Isa was not even two months old. They were only seven weeks pregnant at the time.

Their second child will be exactly Isa’s age when he or she is born. They got pregnant on the first month trying.

It was hard for me. As much as I’m happy for them it was so, so hard… to stay on the phone for several minutes afterward, to feign complete and utter excitement for so long, to keep back the tears when I finally hung up, to get through the day with Isa, and then the night with my poor haggard partner.

We both collapsed into bed at 9pm, after many tears were shed.

I’m just so sick of where we are, the same endless loop. I know you all know what I’m talking about. Heck, you all know SO MUCH BETTER THAN I.

I don’t know how you all do it. Honestly, I’m mystified. You are all the most steadfast, resilient women I’ve ever known. Truly. I am in awe of you all.

Today was a bit better. My period finally came, and with it the dimmest hope that it might some day happen. I’ve researched a nearby acupuncture place and now I’m researching ways I might pay for it.

I rarely do this, but today I was listening to a song, a song I’ve heard countless times and suddenly, the words struck me, so deep in my being. How does he know? I thought to myself. How does he know?

(Music at the bottom).

Heaven’s Escape by Joe Henry

They’re showing a movie on the side of the bank
Oh, I’m in love with all creation
And the warmth of the hood of the car in the dark
Oh, I feel I’m an angel in waiting

Where time is alive in the dark of your face,
In the battles we’ve won, lost or misplaced,
In the promise of heaven and the hold of its gates,
Oh, I can see it now

But tell me how, my love, will we escape?
Oh how, my love, will we escape?
I’ve been asked now to speak a few words to the crowd
Oh, I could be sick any moment,
There’s a crack in the porcelain cup of the sky
I broke it and wish I could own it

And all that leaks through the where we’ve driven the nail
To hang here suspended so human and frail,
From atop of this jerry-rigged circus in jail
That’s folding the tent on us now

But tell me how, my love, will we escape?
Oh how, my love, will we escape?
I deserve a much nicer hotel room than this
With parking nearer the riot,
I can look to no man to make me more than I am
Though, honey, you might want to try it …

Oh, farewell to arms and to all we might be,
Farewell to this endless confused reverie,
Somewhere there’s a heaven for you and for me
But oh, won’t you please tell me now

Just how, my love, will we escape?
Oh how, my love, will we escape?

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