Left Behind Again

This morning we got an email from our friends in San Diego. They just had their second child–another son–whose name, coincidently, is the same as Mi.Vida’s.

And I felt that feeling, that feeling of being left behind.

We know five families having babies in October, four of them are having their second child. All of those four have children around Isa’s age. I feel like I’ve messed up somehow, like I’ve forgotten to do something, like I was in a hurry and I missed a step and now I’m looking around and seeing that others didn’t mess up and I feel silly and strange, like I don’t fit in.

Except I didn’t forget. Not at all. I just couldn’t do what they have done. Not yet anyway.

I sometimes go back to posts from a year or two (or now three) years ago and I read what I wrote, to see where I was. It’s an interesting exercise, one I rarely regret doing.

Today I went back to September 1, 2009 and read this post. So fitting; it seems I’ve been here before.

But I must say, it doesn’t hurt as much this time. The pain is dulled. It’s like I’m in that same desert but I have sunscreen and a sturdy hat and canteens full of ice cold water and good shoes to protect my feet and so it’s not so awful trekking endlessly, peering in on the little oasis’s of perfect families built without concern or distress. I don’t feel so raw from it. And that’s nice. I appreciate remembering that it’s not nearly as bad this time around. It helps some how.

4 responses

  1. The number of second children appearing in my group of friends and acquaintances seems to be increasing in front of my eyes, and I, too, feel a little left out. 😦
    (nice to hear from you, btw. I’ve missed you.)

  2. I love your last paragraph.

    And this one “Except I didn’t forget. Not at all. I just couldn’t do what they have done. Not yet anyway.” That doesn’t sound to me like a woman who has been left behind. It sounds like someone who knew what she wanted when she wanted it, and wasn’t going to be a lemming just because everyone else was doing something.

    I’m not a big fan of the concept of being “left behind” as you can probably guess. We all do different things in our lives. It’s not a race. I know you know that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s