3 years, 800 posts and no words

Well not really no words, but you know what I mean. Or you will.

I’m two days away from the end of the craziest, most hectic and stressful three week stretch of my life. We have literally been operating in crisis mode. And honestly, I’m not even sure if I have anything to say about it.

It has been so strange to not be here, not write here. And it’s been even stranger to not really care. For the first time in my three year blogging career, I just don’t feel any pull to this place.

Actually, it’s exactly three years I’ve been writing here. Three years and 800 posts. That seems so significant, and yet, I just can’t figure out what to say about it. I can’t even figure out how to make myself want to say something about it.

This summer was hard, and for the first time in my life, it was almost harder here than in my real life. First I had the issues with my friend and her well-meaning but unhelpful concerns and advice. Then I had a professor (who we actually think was legit, we believe we “found” him and know where he teaches) who said he was using my work to prove how someone who has it all can take it for granted and remain miserable. Finally I offended another blogger and was chided by her and her friends, all of whom are pretty powerful players in this community. For the first time in my blog-life I feel like I don’t really belong, and I actually removed myself from some parts of the community, I felt so uncomfortable there.

It’s a weird place to be, to be sure. And while some of it has to do with external factors, most of it is about me.

I am in a really weird place in my life right now. Some of it is so good (our new house, which I promise I’ll write more about when the dust settles, both literally and figuratively), some of it is legitimately bad (I can’t bring myself to tackle the work stuff yet, but suffice to say, it’s the worst it’s ever been) and some of it is ambiguous (I really can’t express just dramatically I oscillate on the TTC stuff, I’m of so many conflicting minds about it).

I know that a lot of this is hard to really see right now. I’m literally running on fumes. Everything feels compromised and I’m spending all my energy just trying to make sure my daughter is happy, my classes are prepped, my house is still standing and my partner isn’t miserable. There is nothing left for me. I know it won’t be like this forever, so I’m just trying to ride it out. And in the middle of the ride, I just don’t feel like I have anything thoughtful to say.

So I don’t. And I wonder if my absence speaks volumes, or if it doesn’t say a thing.

I’m really not sure what else to say. I’m just trying to get to Friday night. This three day weekend has been shining like a light, guiding me with promises of “space and time and “arriving.” By this weekend our washer, dryer and dishwasher will be installed and operational. We’ll have time to unpack the dozens of boxes that we’ve basically been living out of. We’ll also have the opportunity to build the last few pieces of furniture, which will also help us get unpacked.

And of course, this weekend we have time to spend together as a family. Between me starting work, Isa starting “school” and both Mi.Vida and buying appliances and overseeing their installation, we’ve barely spent any time as a family. I’m so looking forward to the three of us enjoying each other and our new home. I just hope it’s enough to get me back to feeling like myself.

9 responses

  1. Not having you here has been a huge gaping hole in my life. Seriously. I really missed your blogging. I think things should settle down from this most hectic and eventually settle into your new routine.

  2. I’ve totally missed you. My reader seemed empty and I was like why? And then I was like oh yeah, nothing from Esperanza.

    I think it’s been researched that moving is very nearly as stressful as a death in the family. Add to that the other transitions you have going on at work and with Isa, PLUS losing a significant source of support via your blog – good lord, girl, you’re an Amazon to be functioning at the level you are. Running on fumes and adrenaline.

    Hopefully you’ve crested the worst of it and it will start to ease up soon.

  3. I’ve missed you, too. I know how incredibly busy you have been so I figured it would take a little longer to hear from you. I can’t wait to hear more about the house…and maybe see some pictures? I hope that your work life improves, even if just a little. I know how much it sucks to have to come to a job that does nothing but stress you out and make you want to walk away. I’m very happy that you are going to get some family time. I think it’s so important during hectic times to take those moments and cherish them. Looking forward to hearing more from you (hopefully) soon.

  4. Congrats. I’ve missed your writing, also. I know you’ve been frantically busy, and also a bit stung recently…hope this place starts to feel like home again soon, too.

  5. I’m running on empty too and barely able to keep up with reading let alone write posts myself. Happy 3 year blogoversary. Hope you find your voice again once things calm down.

  6. I’ve really missed you, too! No pressure. Take all the time you need. But blog reading is just not the same without you in my list of daily reads.

    And 800 posts is absolutely f-ing awesome. You should be proud! That’s a serious amount of quality writing. Congrats!

  7. I have missed your posts, too. I don’t know how you’re even still standing with all you have going on, but I hope the move and Isa’s new school are going well, and I hope you can come back and update us soon.

  8. Sorry I didn’t get to this earlier. I obviously missed the episode in the community (the offending/chiding issue you referred to), but it explains something you referred to earlier. I do think that however “powerful” people are in this community, our own unique voices are valid, and hope you feel that way too.

    I think you just needed a break away from here. I think we all need a break away at times. We all have times where we lose our blogging mojo. Summer in the US seems to be a time when lots of my friends (non-ALI bloggers) just disappear from the internet, taking a break, doing other things. And you’ve been frantic. So I don’t think you should either a) beat yourself up for not being here, or b) question your motives for just being content to be away, to be doing all the frantically busy stuff you’ve had on. Maybe it’s given you time to just “be,” time to quieten your mind without thinking things through, and it has certainly given you time to focus on what needed to be done in a time of major change.

    And congratulations. On three years and 800 posts. That’s pretty major!

    (So is moving house and not going completely mad – congrats on that too!)

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