Well not really no words, but you know what I mean. Or you will.
I’m two days away from the end of the craziest, most hectic and stressful three week stretch of my life. We have literally been operating in crisis mode. And honestly, I’m not even sure if I have anything to say about it.
It has been so strange to not be here, not write here. And it’s been even stranger to not really care. For the first time in my three year blogging career, I just don’t feel any pull to this place.
Actually, it’s exactly three years I’ve been writing here. Three years and 800 posts. That seems so significant, and yet, I just can’t figure out what to say about it. I can’t even figure out how to make myself want to say something about it.
This summer was hard, and for the first time in my life, it was almost harder here than in my real life. First I had the issues with my friend and her well-meaning but unhelpful concerns and advice. Then I had a professor (who we actually think was legit, we believe we “found” him and know where he teaches) who said he was using my work to prove how someone who has it all can take it for granted and remain miserable. Finally I offended another blogger and was chided by her and her friends, all of whom are pretty powerful players in this community. For the first time in my blog-life I feel like I don’t really belong, and I actually removed myself from some parts of the community, I felt so uncomfortable there.
It’s a weird place to be, to be sure. And while some of it has to do with external factors, most of it is about me.
I am in a really weird place in my life right now. Some of it is so good (our new house, which I promise I’ll write more about when the dust settles, both literally and figuratively), some of it is legitimately bad (I can’t bring myself to tackle the work stuff yet, but suffice to say, it’s the worst it’s ever been) and some of it is ambiguous (I really can’t express just dramatically I oscillate on the TTC stuff, I’m of so many conflicting minds about it).
I know that a lot of this is hard to really see right now. I’m literally running on fumes. Everything feels compromised and I’m spending all my energy just trying to make sure my daughter is happy, my classes are prepped, my house is still standing and my partner isn’t miserable. There is nothing left for me. I know it won’t be like this forever, so I’m just trying to ride it out. And in the middle of the ride, I just don’t feel like I have anything thoughtful to say.
So I don’t. And I wonder if my absence speaks volumes, or if it doesn’t say a thing.
I’m really not sure what else to say. I’m just trying to get to Friday night. This three day weekend has been shining like a light, guiding me with promises of “space and time and “arriving.” By this weekend our washer, dryer and dishwasher will be installed and operational. We’ll have time to unpack the dozens of boxes that we’ve basically been living out of. We’ll also have the opportunity to build the last few pieces of furniture, which will also help us get unpacked.
And of course, this weekend we have time to spend together as a family. Between me starting work, Isa starting “school” and both Mi.Vida and buying appliances and overseeing their installation, we’ve barely spent any time as a family. I’m so looking forward to the three of us enjoying each other and our new home. I just hope it’s enough to get me back to feeling like myself.