The Eye of the Storm

I have this brief moment, before my flight takes off. This quiet, still time feels like the eye of the storm with the chaos of the last weeks and the weeks to come swirling around me.

Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m going to write this post. Or rather, if I’ll finish it. I just don’t know if I have it in me. And I don’t really want to write, but I feel beholden to those who read this and care about me, to those who have reached out sending well wishes and hoping all is going smoothly.

And things are going, though I’m not sure if smoothly is the proper adverb. The past week has been completely insane. I can’t remember a time in my life where things have been this consistently intense for this long. It’s really truly overwhelming. And yet I keep moving forward, because really, what choice do I have?

And moving, constantly moving and doing and working has gotten me where I need to be. My classroom is reasonably presentable and sure I have no copies made or lessons planned but I’ll make it through that first day and then I’ll stumble through back to school night and it will eventually be over. I was lucky to have a former student available to help me and $160 and two days of her time later, my room looks pretty good. It’s such a relief to have that behind me.

There are still a lot of stressors attached to school this year, which deserve their own post, but I really can’t adequately put into words how much I don’t want to be at my school this year. I’ve been totally screwed with my schedule and the students in some of my classes. It’s most likely going to be my hardest year teaching and I’m not at all looking forward to it.

The house is still a shambles but it’s inhabitable. We really do love it and once there aren’t boxes everywhere we’ll luxuriate in the space. We feel so very thankful to be there and after Labor Day weekend I think it will actually feel like home.

The old apartment still requires a lot of work. I went over a few times this week, late at night, and got it ready for the cleaning lady on Monday but there are still frames on the walls and all the nails and screws need to be taken out and the walls spackled and the last of our shit moved. We were so ill prepared for moving day and now we’re paying for it. Ugh. Just thinking about the old apartment stresses me out.

Tomorrow is my friend’s wedding in LA. I head down tonight for the rehearsal dinner (but my flight is delayed and I might miss it) and Ben comes down tomorrow. We wanted him to stay an extra day to give Isa some much needed stability this weekend, as it falls between her first two weeks of school.

Ah school. Isa’s first week has been a really intense experience for all of us. Fortunately she seems to like it a lot and is thriving there. When I pick her up she is all smiles and doesn’t want to leave. The transition actually works best if I stay a while and play with her. That took me a few days to figure out and I’m glad I did because while Isa is very happy at school, she’s a wreck at home afterward. She melts down at the littlest thing and needs her binki and blankie constantly to cope. It’s clear she needs that time to decompress and I’m happy to give her space and support to do that but it’s hard because I only ever see her when she’s stressed out and overwhelmed, which I’m already feeling enough of myself.

And of course, to add insult to injury (the injury being the incredibly bad timing of this wedding in relation to moving houses and classrooms and the start of school), I got a horrible cold last night so this weekend I’ll be sick as a dog, trying to enjoy this wedding and avoiding thoughts of how I’ll prepared I am for Monday and the rest of the week. It’s going to be awesome!

We’re in the middle of cycle six right now. We really should be having sex tomorrow but we’ll see if we can make it happen when we’re staying at our friend’s house. If we miss this month I’ll be sad but I’ll get over it. I’m honestly too stressed about everything else to care much. It probably wouldn’t happen if we did hit the right day. I have very little hope that it will ever happen, frankly.

I feel like I have still have so much to say about blogging and this space and my disillusion with it all. This summer has been game changing. I don’t know if I can ever go back to the blogger I once was. I don’t know if I even want to. But I’ll have to write about all that later because my thumbs hurts and I don’t want to type on my phone anymore.

I hope you’re all doing way better than I am. And thanks to all who’ve emailed or commented to check in on me. It’s much appreciated. I’m sorry I’ve been mostly silent in the comments sections. I’ve just had so little time to read and respond. Hopefully in the coming weeks it will get better.

UPDATE: Of course this month I ovulated early and of course I missed it. I said I wouldn’t care but I do, very much. In fact I’m devastated. I thought that with being sick and traveling and all the stress I’d have to worry about late ovulation again, not missing it because it was early. But of course my body makes no fucking sense, it follows no fucking patterns and I ovulated on CD-fucking-9 this month. Really?! REALLY?! I’m so upset. I don’t know what to do. Probably just give up. I can’t do this shit anymore. I’m done. (I know I say this every month but seriously, I feel this way every month. I just don’t want to do this anymore, and yet I will. I guess bring on cycle seven. And some more anxiety and depression.)

4 responses

  1. I’m sorry to hear that it’s been so stressful, and that you’re sick on top of it all! And here I was imagining you moving into your new space, enjoying that transition before the transition to a new school year. 😦

    My son was like that too … great at school, melting down at home. Part of it was that he got TIRED at school. It was a lot more mentally and physically challenging for him. Which in the long run was good, but in the short run, hard on us (because I too only got to see him in those meal/bath/bed hours when things weren’t going well). Hang in there … sending thoughts of comfort for you all.

  2. That’s a super tremendous amount of stress, change and just crap, for lack of a better word. It mostly serves a purpose: to move you to another level (new, better house, Isa in a good, educational environment) but I’d imagine that I’d be having the hardest time finding the forest for the trees if I was in the midst of all of that. So, instead, I’m just sending you hugs and for fun: My bottom five for today.

    1. Gun violence
    2. Vision Boards
    3. My chipped tooth
    4. Unpacking and packing
    5. The song “Imagine”, by John Lennon. If I hear that song ONE MORE TIME!!!!

  3. Thanks for posting, I really missed you in my reader. I know it’s a total shit time right now. And O-day wonkiness was the last thing you needed. I guess I’ll copy-cat jjraffe with my bottom five right now too…
    1. Giardia (Oz has it)
    2. Second-hand smoke
    3. Forgetting my ATM card at home so can’t finish my errands b/c no cash
    4. Packing – death by 1,000 micro-decisions
    5. Mean people. They just suck.

    Hang in there – big hugs

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