It’s our first morning in our new house. And all I can say is it’s cold here. I hope the blanket I put on Isa is enough to keep her warm. I also hope she falls back asleep because it’s only 6:30.
Yesterday was truly the most hectic and stressful day I’ve experienced in a long time. And because we don’t have Internet yet and I’m typing this on my phone, that will be all I relate about it. Needless to say I wish we had been more prepared for the movers and I also wish a magical unpacking fairy had visited us last night.
But that isn’t all I have to say. I wrote the following on Friday night and I sat on it, to be sure I wanted to say it. But I do and I will so here goes. I’m putting it out there now:
I came home from our little date night. I packed some more. I took apart Isa’s crib. I read some posts and then read the comments. Then I wrote a post of my own.
But you’ll never read it, because it will never see the light of day. And that’s a shame, because it was a good post. Really good.
The truth is I don’t feel comfortable putting it up anymore. I don’t feel comfortable saying my piece. For the first time in my three years writing here, I don’t feel welcome as a member of the community (not by all, but by some). And for the first time, I don’t have it in me to put up my own words.
Some are probably thinking, that’s good! You’re finally learning! In order to be a member of this community you need to watch what you say. When you’re speaking to and with women who have been through what we have, a certain amount of sensitivity must be shown. And sometimes you need to make sacrifices, to censure what you express, so you can continue to belong.
And maybe that is the lesson I had to learn. Maybe that is true of any group of people, and it just took me longer to realize it. All I know is I used to feel one way about this place, this community of ours, and now I feel differently. And for me at least, it hasn’t been a good change. But not all change is good.
The next two weeks are harrowingly busy, in good and bad ways. Between getting the old apartment ready for inspection by our land lord and getting the new house unpacked enough for two adults, a two year old and a cat to live at least semi-comfortably I have a lot on my plate. Add school starting on the 27th, a wedding in LA the weekend before and unpacking my classroom this week, plus Isa starting school for the first time, we’re quickly entering crisis mode. I doubt I’ll have much time to post and that is probably for the best because honestly, I’m not sure anymore what I feel comfortable saying. There has just been too much said both here and elsewhere to be ignored and I need to reassess where I belong and whether I even want to belong there.
Thank you all for the well wishes yesterday, it gave me energy to keep going when I saw that you were thinking of us on moving day. I have to admit, it’s surreal to wake up here, in our new house. It’s overwhelming to see all the space we have, to park our car in our own garage and see a washer and dryer that belong to us when we do
It. I’ve wanted a house like this for a long time and I’m so excited to have finally arrived. It’s a dream come true.