[Editor’s note: Please be warned, multiple f-bombs are about to be dropped.]
[Editor’s 2nd note: This is a post by Mi.Vida in response to the comments on last Friday’s post.]
Dear internet weirdos,
First off, what the fuck? What the fuck are you all doing here, on my partner’s personal blog, when you could be offering your dumb empathy-free opinions in one of the more traditionally accepted fora for saying dumb stuff, like Twitter or Facebook? Seriously, go offer unsolicited, unhelpful opinions over there, not here. You haven’t earned the right.
Second off, your judgments aren’t just judgey (cue one of these idiots pointing out that that is not a word, YES I KNOW YOU HUMORLESS ROBOTS), but they’re totally off base. I am not miserable. Neither is Esperanza. I AM IN A BETTER POSITION TO KNOW THIS THAN YOU BECAUSE I AM ME AND YOUR ARE JUST SOMEONE WHO ONCE READ SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET. I am hoping that my aggressive, decreasingly-effective use of Caps Lock will turn you off to reading anything on here ever again.
Seriously, I’m not asking you nicely. Go the fuck away, with your condescending international comparisons that have nothing to do with anything, and your “just suck it up and get better but also here are a whole bunch of putdowns.” Instead of spending your time here, wasting all of our time and making E feel like shit on a project that is a labor of love that you have not earned the right to insult, go do something positive. If you really feel like this space is just a pit of negativity, rather than a place to work some shit out amongst supportive friends, just go live a really positive life. Instead of visiting this blog, go do some charity work, reach out to an old friend, hell, just read a book (which will have the added benefit of you not talking to anyone, which would spare everyone some grief). In other words, I encourage you to live your truth, and also go fucking fuck yourselves the fuck away from here and don’t ever come back.
Oh, but thank you for the page views. Always nice to see traffic spikes on E’s site.
Stumbling Gracefully 
LOVE IT!
Wow…
I have been a long time lurker (or internet weirdo?) and haved loved loved loved your blog always. Your voice is so special, Esperanza. I like the fact that you have never been afraid to be open and raw and totally honest (my impression) about your feelings and about what was going on in your life. My fingers were and are always crossed for you for baby #2, housewise, jobwise etc.
But this post here…I just don\’t feel it.
I understand how some of the comments you received hurt you but I am not sure about this one. Love your blog to bits but a bit disappointed right now.
I’m curious as to why you are disappointed? Do you think that E should let comments like she received stand? Or that her partner should not defend her from cruel things hurled her way?
JJiraffe, pls check out Kelly’s post below- she says what I meant to say rather well.
I do not object to the need to defend. It is the tone and the choice of words that I have a problem with. I don ot find it constructive at all and almost a bit insulting. I support and understand Esperanza but now I feel that if ever I got to a point where I could not whole heartedly agree with here, I should just f****off, keep my mouth shut and get a life.
I never felt this way about this blog, nor did I get the impression that Esperanza might feel this way and it makes me a bit ad.
makes me *sad* not *ad*
Polly, thank you for your comment. I do respect your feelings on this subject. I wonder if my response to Kelly below would better explain my feelings on this. It is not my intent to dissuade people from leaving thoughtful comments that challenge my point of view, but I don’t feel like the two comments Mi.Vida was responding to did that. Instead they were dismissive, trying to convince me that my experience and suffering is not valid. Those kinds of comments aren’t constructive. Of course I understand if you feel that this response isn’t constructive ether. I felt it was important to allow Mi.Vida to say his piece in the way he wanted to and I’m sorry if that disappointed you. I can’t appease everyone, especially people I don’t know are reading my blog until they comment to tell me I’ve let them down. I’ll endeavor to better in the future.
Thanks for reading and keeping me in your thoughts. It’s very much appreciated. Again, I’m sorry to disappoint.
I love it! Good to hear some from B and awesome to see him come out and say exactly what needs to be said to the asshole commenters! Go, B!
AMEN!
Woooooo! Very well said. And way to stick up for your partner. I rarely comment, but I love you and your blog sweetie. Keep writing and know that our hearts are with you on this painful journey.
You need to have this man post more often.
Awesome! I agree with Deborah: he needs to post more!
*applause* 🙂
“Dear Internet Weirdos” and “condescending international comparisons” are my new catchphrases. Go, B! This was epic.
LIKE.
Oh dear. Sounds like a few feathers are ruffled.
Firstly- “what the fuck are you all doing here, on my partner’s personal blog”= it’s on the internet- it’s in a public space and it’s free for everyone to read. We’re cruising by, spying into your life, invited by your wife. Despite it being “annoymous” there are tons of photos and other idenitifable data so really- it’s a journal of your lives, from your wifes perspective, lying out on the road for passerbys to read. (and shudder).
Unsolicited opinions? In case you haven’t read the blog posts, most of them start and end with questions “what must you think of me?” for example is a question, requesting opinions.
Great use of the word “fuck” – very clever argument. I’m floored. No wonder you needed a therapist to work through your conception and child-planning issues- you must just clam up and autistically repeat the word lots in the hope that things go away.
I wasn’t being critical of your life- nobodys life is fairy queefs or peaches and cream, but if you look at the past year and a half of this blog- it’s 98% negativity (p-value <0.05). To be honest, I have used it as a teaching point in my classes about how to have everything- physical health, financial means to live comfortably, healthy child, family and yet be completely miserable and unhappy (and I teach psychology).
It's also interesting how you describe this as "E's labour of love"- what about you? (more fucks and fuck offs to come I believe). Do you not want another child? Oh wait, you do and you're happily skipping and having timed sex.
Having said all this, you are free to defend your wife- and I applaud you. I think this may have actually given you more union than your attempts to conceive thus far. You're welcome. 🙂 You're free to defend, and you're free to feel angry at the hurt experienced by someone you love. At the end of the day though, if you are writing to the world and leaving your pages open- toughen up. Not everyone is going to be tenderly stroking your head and wiping your tears. Some of us will tell you what we think. You asked us. You don't have to like it.
Have it ALL? Have you read this blog? It must be so wonderful to live in your Ivory Tower looking down your nose at honest people who have gone through loss and mental illness and are brave enough to share their stories (and those stories connect with others who can look at them gratefully, and say I am NOT alone BTW) and mercilessly pick those stories apart and showcase them to a class saying, “Lookey over here!”
It must be awesome to live in a perfect world where you are always right and everyone else can be judged and picked apart.
Dear Andrew,
Thank you for your response. This is E by the way, not Mi.Vida, who has declined to respond. I have to admit, I have a lot of things I want to say to you but I’m going to keep this brief. Before I begin, I must say, it is a bit disconcerting to hear that my blog has been employed by you, without my knowledge, to illustrate the point that someone can have it all and still be miserable in their life to a class of psychology students. I am sure that that is one teachable message that could be taken from my writings, though I would have hoped that my story was a bit more nuanced than just that. I’m curious if you’ve also presented the great lengths I’ve gone to in an attempt to see my life more clearly, for what it is than for what it lacks. Or that you mentioned my clinical depression and explained how that can warp ones’ perception of their life. Or maybe I didn’t write about those things extensively enough for them to be included in your teachings.
I also would argue that my story, and thus my point of view, must hold some sway for people as they continue to read it, which might suggest that a considerable number of people have more than they realize and tend to look past it at what they lack. The fact that a couple hundred people (and I know this is in no way a significant following, but it is something) choose to read me on a near-daily basis might vouch for the relevancy of my writing. Or maybe that is your point? That most people feel this way? The fact is, you, evidently have chosen to read me, or maybe you just found me recently and combed through the last 1.5 years of my archives in their entirety? (Unless you were just skimming my posts to find those that would further illustrate your point in class?). That actually brings me to my question, why do you read me? And if you’ve read me for so long, why did you wait until now to comment? I am honestly curious about this, as I am having a hard time figuring out why someone would read me for a long time and then not say anything until they had something negative to say. I wonder that about people who evidently do like my blog and I’m even more curious about people who seem to dislike it, or me, and yet keep reading. I hope, after all of this back and forth, that you will be kind enough to answer that question because I am quite curious.
And I hope that you share all of this with your students and that it incites some worthwhile classroom discussions.
Sincerely, Esperanza
Andrew… You TEACH psychology? This isn’t just “data” or some subject for research. These are real people struggling with real issues that can’t just be dismissed with “get some therapy or take some pills” solutions and an exhortation to “toughen up”. Your behavior is highly unbecoming to your profession, bordering on unethical.
Of course, the fact that a quick Google search for your name brings up absolutely nothing leads me to suspect you are no more than a particularly sneaky troll. Perhaps you simply misspelled your own name?
Love it as well! That’s one great guy you have there.
That being said, I think I can put my finger on what is a little troubling about this post. It gives me the vibe that if I don’t have something entirely sympathetic, supportive, yes-man, and/or vanilla to say, I need to stay away from your blog. Maybe this is really how you feel. But I guess I have to say that attitude towards blogging kind of turns me off at times. This is coming from someone who does not blog, in large part FOR this reason. I am not willing or able or courageous enough to open up my life to others I known IRL and to total strangers the way you do on a blog (or at least an interesting blog like yours, E). I LOVE your blog for how courageous it is, and how it gives me a window into your life, which is why I read it. But I feel when a blogger has that attitude of I can only handle completely supportive comments with no icky bits, I am left wondering what they thought was going to happen. Also, it makes me wary (I am actually pretty sure I’m being labelled a weirdo right here as I type this) to comment. I fear that even constructive criticism or ideas or even what I am trying to give as support will be misconstrued if I am plain spoken. It creates this tension: I visit a blog like yours because I love the courageous, personal voice and plain spoken analysis of stuff many of us are going through (boy do I relate to the second child conundrum, frustration with 2-year old behavior even as you love them so much and are so lucky to have them, and buying housing in the bay area). But then even though the medium is set up so that you can have RT interaction with your audience, if the vibe is set up that plain spoken or sometimes not-completely-unchallenging comments are not only unwelcome but will be met with an assertion that I “haven’t earned the right” to say them, then it really reduces my comfort as a reader to engage in the unique aspects of the medium. Not to blast you and be a jerk, but to meet you partway as a reader. and actually have freedom to engage and really give your thoughts and expression the feedback it is due. Is this what the commenters from last Friday were trying to do? Hard to say. I know if I read those comments on my blog (that does not exist) they would be very hard to take. On the other hand, none of them seemed like they were coming from a malicious place either, at least to me as a 3rd party bystander. They seemed like they were honestly expressing what they thought, similar to what you do. This is why I don’t blog, again. Because I don’t think whatever support I might get would be guaranteed to outweigh the self doubt and anxiety (which I am really susceptible to) that could be generated from other comments. I have never been that socially thick-skinned, and it is pretty easy to misconstrue people’s tone and intention when writing anything more complicated than “congrats on your BFP!!!!!!”
All that being said, what I DO love to see is someone like the blogess, or the “food lady” blogger of wootube, or jen epper of maybe if you just relax, who are all just really really good at blowing off or effectively confronting weird commentors, making THEM look like total jackasses if they are, effectively neutering them when they claim the blogger is cruel/wrong/etc, or making the real trolls the butt of hilarious jokes. I think because confidence and wit are always attractive. Again, I’d never be able to handle similar comments with wit, grace, and self-confidence, so I write a private diary. I get less benefits in terms of a community of support or finding new friends, but I also save myself from acidic self-doubt and worry that I know I cannot handle and that is unnecessary anyway.
I’m not telling you to do anything different, and I’m ok if you or your Mi Vida are ready to lump me in with the weirdos too. I’m just saying why I can see that this post would be a bit of a “disappointment” – not the term I would use but I got it.
BTW I feel I have to say this a lot of the times I comment since you can’t look to my blog to figure out who I am, but I have been following since both our pregnancies, our daughters were born two days apart and I always see a lot of myself and my daughter in your discussions of you and Isa.
Dear Kelly,
Thank you very much for your response. I don’t find it at all offensive nor do I consider you an “internet weirdo”. This kind of comment is very much welcome here, and I find it very different from the ones I wrote about earlier (which by the way, I didn’t take as much offense to, but that my partner felt differently about, and I can see his point of view as well). I think your comment and the ones I didn’t appreciate as much differ in a lot of important ways. For one, you comment is thoughtful and well stated. You didn’t agree with me putting up the guest post, or maybe you didn’t agree with the tone of the guest post, but you explained why in a respectful and conversational tone. You didn’t make broad generalizations or subtle (or not so subtle) jabs at me as a person. You also didn’t belittle my experience or ask me to “get over myself”.
I do find it interesting that you think I am not open to contrary comments on my blog. If my response to those comments on my post a week ago make people think that I’m not tolerate of dissenting views in my comment section I want to address that because that is not my intent. I’m not insisting that I’m NOT putting out that vibe, because I most certainly could be. Lord knows I’m not used to getting these kinds of comments and that they can be hurtful and that I might react in ways that I’m not realizing. I DO want this blog to be a place where people can express their concern, or their opinions in a way that will be considered with the respect they deserve. Of course, if I am not being treated with respect I will react accordingly. But I wonder, even as I write this, if I see disrespect where it isn’t intended, because my defenses are up and I’m not seeing clearly.
I want to say that I can TOTALLY understand your reaction to my partner’s post. It isn’t what I would have written myself in response to those comments, in fact, you probably saw when I did put up. Having said that, I appreciated his desire to defend me, and our marriage and I allowed him to do so in the way that he saw fit. I also thought the post was hilarious, because honestly, I didn’t really appreciate the Tanzania comment or the “get over yourself” comment all that much. I didn’t think they opened constructive dialoge in a respectful way, in fact I thought they were backhanded and mean. But I can also appreciate that it might seem like I don’t want ANY kind of dissent in the comment section of my blog and I can assure you, that is not the case. I was already writing a post about this for tomorrow and I really appreciate this comment. It will definitely spur me to think more about this and add more to my post.
Thank you very much for taking the time to tell me how you feel about this stuff. Please know that I do not consider you an “internet weirdo” and I hope you can see how your comment differs from the comments that Mi.Vida was responding to, because in my eyes they are night a day.
Love Mivida!! Have been so behind on blogs and only recently read the comments. Dumb fucks. As usual unless you experience infertility apparently you can’t be compassionate about it.
After all this is YOUR blog write what ever YOU want.
I thought this response was hilarious and wonderful. Hilarious because of this – “Instead of visiting this blog … hell, just read a book (which will have the added benefit of you not talking to anyone, which would spare everyone some grief).”
Wonderful because it was a man defending his wife. You can’t beat that.
PS. I hope it helps to know that I totally feel I could disagree with you here, and then proceed to have an interesting discussion about why.
Part of me doesn’t want to add fuel to the fire by continuing to discuss this situation because really, isn’t that what commentors like “Andrew” hope to provoke? But, I do feel the need to say two things.
1) I have always thought that E handles negative or dissenting comments with real grace and genuine thoughtfulness. I believe she truly welcomes the views of other people.
2) By choosing to write a public blog E does have to accept that she opens herself up to comments. The fact that she writes a blog however, does NOT mean that she should be treated with less respect than any other person. By all means use the comment box to disagree, discuss, or opine all you want, but do it with decency.
The end.