Scared

I didn’t ovulate yesterday. Despite getting a positive OPK that morning AND the morning before.

It boggles the mind.

I feel defeated. And scared. Significantly scared.

This whole trying to get pregnant thing just jumped to a whole new level of uncertainty, and fear.

Now, even if I do ovulate this month, I’ll constantly be wondering if the month I’m in will be month it all comes to a grinding halt.

I really don’t understand what is going on. Everything was chugging along. The only weird thing was my temperatures were really consistent, like an almost unwavering straight line of 97.7. But my thermometer has been a little wonky, not wonky enough to ditch it because my back up almost always gives me a similar reading, but it just doesn’t seem to be very, sensitive lately, if that is even a thing a BBT thermometer can be. I don’t know. I should probably chuck it and get a new one, just to be safe.

Anyway, besides the weirdness of my temperatures all being about the same, everything seemed in working order. I was getting decent amounts of CM on the right days. I even got a positive OPK. And then… nothing. I don’t know what that means.

I know this is probably not a big deal, or at least it isn’t yet. I guess I’m just mourning that one thing I could depend on. I always ovulated between CD8 and CD14. For 20+ cycles that was the case. Not anymore. Now I guess, it could be anytime. Or maybe it won’t even happen.

You all must be SOOOOO fucking sick of reading about this. I’m so sick of thinking about it too. But it’s like an endless loop in my mind. I’m constantly reviewing the evidence, trying to find an explanation. There is nothing.

Actually, there is one thing I wonder about. I started taking Vitex last month. Could that be causing this? Last month I took it in tincture form, like I did when I was TTC#1. This month I’m taking pills. That is the ONLY variable I can point to as different. I stopped taking them, on the off chance that they are behind this madness, but I doubt they are. What are your thoughts? Anyone take Vitex and found it delayed ovulation? I thought that shit was supposed to regulate my hormones, not send them into a tail spin.

I honestly don’t know what is going on. What I do know, is I want desperately to be pregnant. When I see big bellies and small babies it makes my heart hurt, it literally sucks the air out of my lungs. I walk away feeling empty, like I can feel the absence of what I’m trying to manifest in my life. Like I feel the gaping lack of a baby inside of me. It’s such a strange, visceral, physical manifestation of my desire. It, quite literally, hurts.

And here I am, stuck wondering if I will ever be able to fill that gaping hole. Wondering when I’ll even get another chance to try.

So yeah. I’m still in limbo. That is the case with pretty much every aspect of my life. I can’t fucking DO ANYTHING right now, even though there is this perfect shit storm on the horizon, I can’t tackle any of it, or prepare myself. I just have to sit and wait for the onslaught.

The next three weeks are going to be crazy insane. Like insanity of epic proportions. I’m staring down what will probably be the worst school year of my nine year teaching career, during which I hope (HOPE, HOPE, HOPE) to be pregnant. I have to pack my whole apartment in less than two weeks. I have five days in my new house before I go back to work. I have no child care during any of this time because Isa’s school is closed for a week when I thought she was going to start. I have a four days to unpack and prepare my classroom (and all my lesson plans), before I got to a wedding in LA the Saturday before Monday the 27th, the first day of school. Oh, and that Monday is also Back to School night. Life feels… well, overwhelming doesn’t even cut it.

I so wish I could be taking my medicine. It would make all this so much more… manageable. But alas, I cannot. I just have to muddle through these next three or four weeks. Maybe when I can actually start doing things I’ll feel better about all of it.

I guess only time will tell.

3 responses

  1. I feel overwhelmed just reading this… let it out. Just keep letting it all out here. The “gaping lack of baby inside” – what perfect words for how much that hurts. Abiding with you.

  2. You’re feeling crazily stressed right now. Think about the last few weeks – stressed already about ttc, about school/work, about buying a house, and about blogging and friendships. And you’re surprised that ovulation might be a little late? I think we forget that ovulation can easily be delayed, or scared off completely for a cycle or two, and I am guessing that’s what has happened to you. And remember too that the average woman has about one anovulatary cycle every year.

    I know how you’re feeling at the moment – I think we tend to think everything will be okay when that BFP comes along. I think it’s easy for us to think that everything will feel alright when we’re pregnant, for it to feel like the holy grail.

    I know you’re feeling out of control, and I wish I could give you a hug and sit with you while you breathe and find yourself again.

  3. I remember skipping my period completely – the only time I ever remember having an off cycle – the month I got married. This shit happens, hugely stressful times do have some effect on our cycles (at least it did on mine at that time). But I was crazy stressed, getting married, and travelling for work every single week and the wedding was 4 hrs from home. This does happen from time to time, and it doesn’t mean that your body sucks or you’re always going to ovulate later or anything like that. It’s probably a fluke month and next month things will be completely normal again.

    Hugs. I know this sucks and it’s so hard to try and try and TRY and then your body pulls shit like this. Why now?? I’m so sorry. Here for you and hang in there, K. xoxo

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