I feel like I should apologize for this morning’s spectacle. I am sorry. But honestly… I don’t know. I’m more tired than anything else.
I thought about taking it down. I seriously considered it. But I decided to leave it up, as a testament to this experience, as testimony of how seriously I suck at this. Because I really do suck at trying to conceive. TTC is not my strong suit. At all.
I’m tired. I feel like I should be taking this opportunity to better myself, to learn important lessons. But honestly? I just don’t have it in me right now. I don’t have it in me to remind myself that really I have no control over ANY aspects of my life, that TTC just lays that truth bare in front of me, but it’s hidden behind every other thing I hold dear. I know those things to be true; I feel like I’ve LEARNED them, but then I forget or I let them slip away. I’m not sure what happens to understandings like that, clarities of mind that grace you one moment and then just disappear in a puff of smoke. I guess spiritual understanding is just one more thing we have to work really fucking hard for.
I don’t even know what to say anymore. I feel like I’ve said it all before. I’m just saying the same shit I always say. I could write a graduate thesis on why TTC is hard for me. It would apply to a lot of women. TTC, after all, sucks. What is the point in enumerating it again?
This is my life, wash, rinse, repeat. The same tired part of the same old song skipping on the record player.
I don’t know why I take it so personally. I don’t know why failing to conceive feels like an attack on my self-worth. I don’t know how to put in into perspective.
These days, the having-sex days, are the hardest for me. There are so many choices to make and I weigh each one so carefully. And then in the end, it doesn’t matter what I choose. But I can’t see the forest for the trees while I’m in there, panicked and lost, unable to find my way.
I need a mantra, something to say to myself to help me let go. I need something to repeat over and over again, when I’m lying in bed at night, wondering if we made the right choice to have, or not have, sex.
I know it’s ridiculous to put up three posts in one day. But I don’t care. I don’t care if people read this stuff and I don’t care if they respond. This place is for me right? At least that is what everyone tells me. So I’m going to believe them, and do with it what I will.
I know I’m supposed to be positive. I know that is a task I gave to myself. But right now, in this place, I just don’t know how to turn this frown upside down.
Haha, that actually made me chuckle a bit. Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.
Anyone have a letting-go-of-control mantra the could share with me? I’d be much obliged.