Third times a…?

I feel like I should apologize for this morning’s spectacle. I am sorry. But honestly… I don’t know. I’m more tired than anything else.

I thought about taking it down. I seriously considered it. But I decided to leave it up, as a testament to this experience, as testimony of how seriously I suck at this. Because I really do suck at trying to conceive. TTC is not my strong suit. At all.

I’m tired. I feel like I should be taking this opportunity to better myself, to learn important lessons. But honestly? I just don’t have it in me right now. I don’t have it in me to remind myself that really I have no control over ANY aspects of my life, that TTC just lays that truth bare in front of me, but it’s hidden behind every other thing I hold dear. I know those things to be true; I feel like I’ve LEARNED them, but then I forget or I let them slip away. I’m not sure what happens to understandings like that, clarities of mind that grace you one moment and then just disappear in a puff of smoke. I guess spiritual understanding is just one more thing we have to work really fucking hard for.

I don’t even know what to say anymore. I feel like I’ve said it all before. I’m just saying the same shit I always say. I could write a graduate thesis on why TTC is hard for me. It would apply to a lot of women. TTC, after all, sucks. What is the point in enumerating it again?

This is my life, wash, rinse, repeat. The same tired part of the same old song skipping on the record player.

I don’t know why I take it so personally. I don’t know why failing to conceive feels like an attack on my self-worth. I don’t know how to put in into perspective.

These days, the having-sex days, are the hardest for me. There are so many choices to make and I weigh each one so carefully. And then in the end, it doesn’t matter what I choose. But I can’t see the forest for the trees while I’m in there, panicked and lost, unable to find my way.

I need a mantra, something to say to myself to help me let go. I need something to repeat over and over again, when I’m lying in bed at night, wondering if we made the right choice to have, or not have, sex.

I know it’s ridiculous to put up three posts in one day. But I don’t care. I don’t care if people read this stuff and I don’t care if they respond. This place is for me right? At least that is what everyone tells me. So I’m going to believe them, and do with it what I will.

I know I’m supposed to be positive. I know that is a task I gave to myself. But right now, in this place, I just don’t know how to turn this frown upside down.

Haha, that actually made me chuckle a bit. Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.

Anyone have a letting-go-of-control mantra the could share with me? I’d be much obliged.

5 responses

  1. A few quotes, not sure if they will help:
    Whatever will be, will be.

    We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned,
    so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.

    You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.

    I guess the really nice thing (well, sort of) about TTC #2 for us is I’m mostly resigned to the fact that anything we do on our own isn’t going to make one bit of difference. I did the whole thing last time around, the no drinking, following a fertility diet, sex every other day, temping, OPKing, and it all did nothing for me. The time that Cheeks resulted? I said fuck it all, drank a lot of wine and coffee, and had a lot of sex paying no attention to the calender or my cycle and I got pregnant. I was completely baffled and I still am.

    This time I don’t really worry myself too much with the details, just because they never helped me one bit the last time anyway. We had sex this month around ovulation time about 3 times. My thought is sperm can live a long time, so if pregnancy is going to result, it will. there’s no magic time or position, or time between sex, or anything that’s going to make a bit of a difference. At least that’s my view every cycle for hubs and I, I know our situations are different. I felt like I went through the whole mind fuck thing last time, I’m just done trying to control the uncontrollable. It’s kind of pathetic/ sad that I feel so out of control / helpless, but also very freeing in a way.

    If it’s going to happen this month, it will. You had sex around the right time, multiple times. You timed it well, even if you ovulate today, those sperm will hang around. Have sex tonight if you guys want. Or don’t if you’re too stressed out and try for tomorrow.

    Sending you lots of hugs and peace. It’s going to work out, and I hope very soon, my friend. Baby #2 will be coming, I know it will. Hang in.

  2. I am glad you are writing for YOU and didn’t take the post down. It was obviously raw emotion that needed to be released and I hope it was cathartic for you to get it out. No real advice (I love Al’s whole comment above) but just know I’m thinking about you and abiding with you.

  3. Just catching up … I loved Keiko’s comment on your last post. Easier to say the mantra than to really believe it, though. I get it.

    I wish I had something useful to say … all I can offer is gentle thoughts, and hope that you feel them, somehow. This is a sucky place to be. And you have every right to rage. BUT: you also need to be kind to yourself. Because while this is about you, it’s also NOT about you. If that makes any sense at all.

    *hug* Hang in there. And scream as loud as you need to.

  4. I agree with Elizabeth. It is better to let it out instead of keeping it in. I am glad you kept the entry up. You are an inspiration to so many. I hope you keep up the good work. Who said life is always perfect. If it was we wouldn’t be writing the way we do.

  5. I’m happy you didn’t take the post down, because I know you’re not alone.

    I can’t tell you how to come to acceptance – can only share what I did.

    I came to acceptance of my own lack of control not willingly. I raged against it. Planned against it. Researched the shit out of proving that I DID have some measure of control.

    For me? It was a way of punishing myself. If I had control over TTC, and we kept failing, then what I thought about myself was true – I sucked as a person. And infertility was my penance.

    It’s taken me a year in therapy to realize how fucked up that is. I HAVE no control over the outcome. I can influence it by doing a cycle, empower myself by NOT doing a cycle, but at the end of the day, whether or not I get pregnant isn’t up to me.

    Doesn’t mean I like it, or that it’s easier, or anything. But I don’t beat myself up so much when I don’t get pregnant anymore.

    All you can do is try, have sex near when you’re ovulating, and put your wish for another child out into the universe. It really ISN’T about what you do or don’t do. And so much easier to say than to really accept.

    Abiding with you.


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