Confessional Fridays!!! Remember those? (OMG! There are 61!)
I sometimes miss my Paint-by-Weekdays. There was a time when that structure really helped me get posts written and published. They don’t really fit my life anymore but every once in a while, if something Thoughtful is written on a Thursday, or Confessional is written on a Friday, (or Mindful on a Monday) I’ll categorize it as such. This is the first time in a loooooong time I’ve actually included it in the title, but it felt right.
So things are tense in our house these days. Mi.Vida is coming off a crazy stressful month. First his website was putting on a giant, $50K music festival in a park, which required an incredible amount of time and effort in the weeks before it happened (it was a big success–they did a fabulous job). Then, the Friday before the festival happened, the Aurora shootings occurred. Mi.Vida works for a law center that supports gun control so he has been crazy busy since last Friday, doing media appearances and giving quotes to giant news publications.
Needless to say, he’s been exhausted and stressed.
And then there is me, trudging through this summer as a stay at home mom. I’m kind of surprised I haven’t written much about it here. I guess there have been other things to dwell on. The truth of the matter is, I like being with my daughter, a lot. But it is also SUPER HARD. She is in a tough place right now and we’re both struggling with how to handle her desire for things she can’t quite verbalize (or that are down right dangerous). I read in The Emotional Life of a Toddler that parents with toddlers experience conflict once every three minutes. Yep, that sounds about right. Let’s just say that Isa’s favorite phrase right now is, NO! DO NOT LIKE IT!
I’ve come to a conclusion during this summer’s let’s pretend-to-be-a-SAHM-for-two-months: I kind of suck at it. Actually I’m really good at parts of it, like the being with my daughter part and the organizing fun stuff for us to do so neither of us goes crazy part, but the other parts I pretty much suck at. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking around with a giant FAIL! written across my forehead.
You see, SAHMs are supposed to keep their houses clean, or at least presentable (so I’ve been told). They are supposed to make healthy meals for themselves and their children and then they’re supposed to erase all traces of said meals being prepared or consumed (because they are always entirely consumed in perfect SAHM land). I’m lucky if I can keep the kitchen floor free enough of grossness that I’ll actually walk in there without shoes on. I pick up Isa’s playroom maybe twice a week and I only sweep in when there is so much shit on the floor that she’s spending more time trying to eat it than read books. I don’t cook for my partner (that is still his job–which he sometimes does) and I don’t keep the house particularly presentable. In fact, most of the time, it’s a downright embarrassment.
I know this pisses Mi.Vida off. I know he thinks, YOU WERE HOME ALL DAY, WHY IS THIS PLACE SUCH A STY! And I want to say, WE WERE HOME ALL DAY! OF COURSE THIS PLACE IS A STY! So many uppercase letter words float unsaid between us.
I’m not even going to write about how he doesn’t understand what is involved in taking care of a toddler for eight straight hours because honestly, I don’t even care (and he probably does have a pretty good idea of how hard it is). I know he is working really hard right now. I know I’m working hard right now. And I know if he weren’t so stressed, he wouldn’t be acting the way he is.
And really, I’m just disappointed in myself and in my ability to be the Good Wife. My disappoint has little to do with his. All the things that woman are supposed to do well, I suck at (well not all the things, but a considerable number of them). And it’s not for lack of trying on my parents’ part. My mom made me do a ton of cleaning around the house. I vacuumed floors, did dishes, emptied dishwashers, took out the trash, scrubbed my bathroom, changed my sheets, did laundry, all on the reg; I was required to hold my own at my house and I’m still a fucking slob when left to my own devices. (This drives my mom nuts too, though she is surprisingly good at keeping it to herself).
I guess I’m just a lazy ass.
Heck, right now I should be cleaning Isa’s playroom and starting to pack her toys. Instead I’m writing this. At least The Tudors isn’t on in the background.
So yeah, I’m just feeling pretty shitty about my inability to keep my house clean. If you want to share stories about how messy your house sometimes is, or how you don’t cook much, or how you just generally fail at something women are supposed to do well, now would be the time. Oh, and embellishment is welcome. 😉