The PAIL monthly-themed post this month is about family building. I had to chuckle; my entire last year of posts has centered around the subject.
It feels almost impossible to succinctly review all that we’ve been through in the past year, as the question of how we would move forward building our family was considered, torn apart, negotiated, left to rot, reconsidered, and finally decided upon. This question landed us in couples counseling–which we’re still attending. It made us look closely at our jobs, at our personal goals, at our finances, at the struggling economy, at the reality of the situation, at the reality of what was in each of our hearts.
I wanted things but they were deemed impossible. There would be no “let’s just not-try but not not-try and see what happens,” there would be no easy, carefree attempts at seeing what fate had in store. There would be no surprise pregnancy for this family.
The possibility of that dream was incredibly hard to let go off.
We finally began trying in earnest in March a date that was negotiated over several months of work with a professional therapist. We considered so many factors, so many unknowns. We did hope our children’s spacing would look a certain way; anything under 2.5 years felt too close for my partner, anything over 3.5 will be a larger gap than my ideal. We waited to start for a lot of reasons, mostly financial. And now we don’t have nearly the leeway I was hoping we’d enjoy. If it takes the time it took last time, if we suffere loss(es), if things don’t happen the way they do for most people my family will not look like I wanted it too. Of course, I let go of a lot of those expectations a long time ago–I was forced to–and doing so again was less painful than I expected.
My daughter turned two years old last month. Yesterday, my 32nd birthday, I started my period. Again. We’re officially beginning our fifth cycle of trying for a second child. Everyone said it would be easier this time. I’m taking B6 to lengthen my overall cycles and it’s doing wonders for my short LPs (they are now 13 days long!) I thought, having read so many blogs about people who just fall pregnant without trying the second time, even when they needed IVF to have their first child, that it would be easier for me too. But with each passing BFN my grasp on that dream lessens. All my friends in real life with children my daughter’s age, or younger, are already pregnant or have a second child. So many of the blogs I read follow the same story line. I feel left behind, again. Of course that is also a bit easier the second time.
I’ve been trying to start a new, public blog recently and one of my big challenges is posting about things like this in a way that is more “socially acceptable.” When I saw that this was the theme for PAIL this month I gave it a try over at my new space. I’d really appreciate hearing what you think.
Thanks for reading!