I wanted to start with a robust thank you to everyone who commented on my last three posts, especially the most recent request. Hearing your very thoughtful reflections on all of this has been like a salve, soothing me and healing my soul. Lately I’ve felt downright attacked by people in the real world. Being reminded that others’ suffering, clinical depression included, makes people uncomfortable and that many times their instance that you can do better is less about you and more about them and their wanting to avoid the discomfort of facing your pain, has been so important for me to remember.

I will be issuing my own formal response on Monday, I still need a few days to process it all.

I also wanted to apologize for not talking more about the house we’re hoping to by. At this point I’m waiting to hear if our loan application has been preliminarily approved, until then I’m just not thinking much about it. I’m not projecting my life into this new future where we live in this new house. I’m just showing up for inspections, writing crazy checks to cover the costs, and waiting. It’s much like the precarious first trimester, everyone tells me it will all be fine but I seem to know better and I’m not about to start blabbing about it until we’ve seen the heartbeat at 12 weeks, you know?

Speaking of the first trimester, I am not entering that this cycle. I have to admit, I thought I was totally, 100% prepared for this BFN. Our timing kind of sucked this cycle, with slightly delayed ovulation and me being away. My temps were hovering close to the cover line for a while, things have just not looked good. Plus the logistics of being pregnant right now, with the move (I hope) and getting ready for the start of school (which includes unpacking my new classroom) would be inconvenient, to say the least. Also, Isa has been challenging and I catch myself, in the middle of the more difficult moments, wondering what I would do if I were exhausted-pregnant or huge-pregnant or caring for a newborn and Isa were having this kind of fit and the simple prospect of it is terrifying (as is my complete lack of ideas on how I could respond).

So yeah, I thought I was totally ready for this, prepared to just suck it up and move on. But for some reason it’s hitting me hard. Of course getting my period this coming Tuesday, on my birthday, feels like adding unnecessary insult to injury so that might be part of it. But there is also this feeling of, what is the fucking point? I think back on all the times we forced sex and for what? All the weeks of debilitatingly sore breasts (a side effect of the B6 I’m taking to lengthen my LP) and for what? All the gross tasting tinctures I dutifully take every day and for what? It’s all just for a chance, this minuscule 10-20% chance and it keeps not happening and I can’t help but feel like we’re failing some how, especially when I see people all around me not failing. What are they doing that I’m not? Why does it work for them and not me? I was taught for all of my young adult life that sex=pregnancy and when I take it to the other extreme and find that well-timed-sex-backed-with-fertiletastic-supplements=/=pregnancy, well it just bums me out.

So yeah, I’m kind of curious about how hard this BFN has been. I thought I would be able to report that not a tear was shed and then last night I had to cry myself to sleep. I honestly don’t know where it came from. Maybe it’s just the stress of feeling attacked from all sides, of so many people in my real life telling me I should be handling this all better, that if I could just embrace patience, like a normal human being, this wouldn’t even be an issue, maybe all of that is just pushing me over the edge. I don’t know. I’m just tired and melancholy and trying to figure it all out.

Speaking of melancholy, my self-imposed figure-out-your-shit-on-the-whole-going-back-on-your-meds date is fast approaching. Seeing a “Did you take while pregnant and was your baby born with –insert list of horrible maladies here–” commercial last night is not helping me make an informed decision. Plus I kind of hated and am in no hurry to go back on it. I do think I’m doing better, but not as much as I had hoped. My therapist only has one more month before she goes on maternity leave so I guess I have to figure this all out soon. I should make an appointment with my psychiatrist. I’ll put that on my to-do list.

We should know whether our loan application has been preliminarily approved by the coming Friday/Monday. Until then I’ll just keep skirting the edge of “maybe this will happen” and steel myself for the end of this cycle, a sure-to-be disappointing birthday and an exorbitant VISA bill that I’m not quite sure how I’ll pay off.

How are you doing these days? Anything to share?

2 responses

  1. “…that if I could just embrace patience, like a normal human being, this wouldn’t even be an issue, maybe all of that is just pushing me over the edge….”

    So many shoulds. And shouldn’ts. I used to do this a lot; my therapist has helped me realize I waste so much energy trying to talk myself out of feeling what I feel.

    Be kind to your emotions. BFNs suck, especially when there are people around you who have what you want. Really, it’s OKAY to be frustrated and upset and tired and jealous and happy and worried and ambivalent about being pregnant and whatever it is you feel.

    The good news about feelings is that you won’t feel like this forever. They pass.

    Hugs, sweetie. Hang in there.


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