I thought my blog was my sanctuary, but I was wrong. Now it has been tainted, sullied, it no longer feels safe. And I’m not sure what to do about it.
It’s my fault really. I haven’t been careful enough. I have disclosed where I live and what I do. I’ve posted countless pictures of myself and my child. I always operated under the assumption that I was trying to make sure those in my real world wouldn’t be able to find it using a google search. I never really cared if those who had already found it figured out who I was.
I guess it’s silly to chide myself for that because that isn’t even what happened. What happened was entirely my fault because I gave my url to a few, very select people. I was under the deluded impression that if they read here they would understand me better. Evidently that could not be further from the truth.
This place is where I work things out, it’s where I attempt to make sense of the difficult things in my life. I am not proud of much of what I write here. I do not celebrate in the jealousy or anger or hurt I feel. I don’t write these things down to give them power but to strip them of it.
This space is not an accurate representation of who I am. In fact, this space represents the part of me that nobody sees. That is why I come to this space to write these things, because I recognize many of them are horrible truths that I would never utter in real life.
This space was supposed to be safe, a place where I could deposit the toxic thoughts inside my head, where I could try to shine a light on the darkness I feel. Sure there are times I celebrate the good in my life here, but mostly I don’t because I can do that in real life, because those are thoughts I don’t have to hide from others. I come here to exorcise my demons, not to be judged for them.
This place no longer feels safe for me, for reasons I can’t go into here. I don’t know what my next steps should be. Abandon this space and start something new, only inviting a select few who have commented and who I know are safe? Keep writing here but severely censoring what I write? It’s one thing to recognize I shouldn’t talk about specific people, which I have very rarely done, and another to say I can’t honestly describe how I’m feeling about certain topics, topics that I can only broach here. I just wonder what the point would be. I’ve never been interested in reading the day-to-day life-record blogs, I doubt I’d have any interest in writing one.
I honestly don’t know what my next steps should be. Already the absence of this haven in my life threatens to suck me into its vacuum. I no longer feel whole.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much something means to you, until it’s gone.