Sanctuary No More

I thought my blog was my sanctuary, but I was wrong. Now it has been tainted, sullied, it no longer feels safe. And I’m not sure what to do about it.

It’s my fault really. I haven’t been careful enough. I have disclosed where I live and what I do. I’ve posted countless pictures of myself and my child. I always operated under the assumption that I was trying to make sure those in my real world wouldn’t be able to find it using a google search. I never really cared if those who had already found it figured out who I was.

I guess it’s silly to chide myself for that because that isn’t even what happened. What happened was entirely my fault because I gave my url to a few, very select people. I was under the deluded impression that if they read here they would understand me better. Evidently that could not be further from the truth.

This place is where I work things out, it’s where I attempt to make sense of the difficult things in my life. I am not proud of much of what I write here. I do not celebrate in the jealousy or anger or hurt I feel. I don’t write these things down to give them power but to strip them of it.

This space is not an accurate representation of who I am. In fact, this space represents the part of me that nobody sees. That is why I come to this space to write these things, because I recognize many of them are horrible truths that I would never utter in real life.

This space was supposed to be safe, a place where I could deposit the toxic thoughts inside my head, where I could try to shine a light on the darkness I feel. Sure there are times I celebrate the good in my life here, but mostly I don’t because I can do that in real life, because those are thoughts I don’t have to hide from others. I come here to exorcise my demons, not to be judged for them.

This place no longer feels safe for me, for reasons I can’t go into here. I don’t know what my next steps should be. Abandon this space and start something new, only inviting a select few who have commented and who I know are safe? Keep writing here but severely censoring what I write? It’s one thing to recognize I shouldn’t talk about specific people, which I have very rarely done, and another to say I can’t honestly describe how I’m feeling about certain topics, topics that I can only broach here. I just wonder what the point would be. I’ve never been interested in reading the day-to-day life-record blogs, I doubt I’d have any interest in writing one.

I honestly don’t know what my next steps should be. Already the absence of this haven in my life threatens to suck me into its vacuum. I no longer feel whole.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much something means to you, until it’s gone.

16 responses

  1. My anonymous blog got busted one time too, although not in this devastating way. Our blogs are repositories for the things that we can’t say IRL. Here, people get it. You’ll figure it out. Take your time.

  2. I’d vote for whatever solution will provide you with a place you feel able to write freely on the topics you choose. I don’t know how bad your space has been violated; is there any way you can tell them to eff off and that this is your space or is it too late for that?

  3. Oh no! I’m so sorry. I’m terrified of my anonymous blog being found for this reason. One solution I’ve seen is making it private and people can request to view it. So you decide exactly who sees it. And I think new people can tell you which blog they found you from and again, you decide if they can view it. I hope you find a way to keep the support you need in a safe place again. Hugs to you!

  4. OMG, sorry to hear that. This is my fear with having an online blog, so everything you wrote in this post hit home and COMPLETELY resonated as true for this end too. I have taken pretty much the same steps as you (although not posted pics)

    Where now? Its a shame that discovery might lead back underground – like your thoughts and feelings, hopes and fears should remain hidden. Maybe some people really have no idea of the gains for getting the crazystuff in our heads out and on a page, somewhere where you can see and make sense of it, and move on from it.
    Would you consider password-protecting, or is that not an option in this case?
    I hope you can resolve this in some way that still permits you your space here in some way

  5. Honestly? Fuck the people who don’t understand. This is your space, you should make no apologies for it, nor should ANYONE make you feel as if you are wrong for writing how you feel and getting it out of your head. Let them go, keep writing, defend this space. It’s YOURS, not theirs. Anything else is giving them way too much power.

    But that’s my anger speaking, of course. I’ve seen other bloggers password protect posts where they deal with issues that are sticky and want to limit access to read them. It takes some emailing of the password to the “safe” people, but it’s been done.

    Hugs.

  6. BTW, I’m not trying to judge you with this comment. I wrote a similar post a couple of months ago (http://mycheapversionoftherapy.blogspot.com/2012/05/yup-its-still-hard.html) about being frustrated by a friend who had accidentally gotten pregnant with #2 (I found out after the m/c, which makes me doubly horrible for being hurt)… and I was still jealous. What I had forgotten is that like you, she is one of the select few IRL friends I had given my URL to, and she texted me that night and called me out on it. Honestly, I am so glad she did, b/c my immediate reaction was remorse and embarrassment that I had shared her story with the world in a way that could have made her identifiable to any other IRL friends I had shared the URL with, and that is just not okay. Luckily for me, she wasn’t upset, but it was a good reminder to be careful about the stories that I choose to share as parts of “my” story, b/c they are often important pieces of other people’s stories as well.

  7. Sorry, part two. I meant to explain my comment, hit post too quickly. Someone I know posted anonymously on m blog years ago and then told me they did. I was like oh, yeah, great. And then did absolutely nothing. She may have continued to read it, I don’t know, but since she was experiencing infertility as well, I’m sure she understood how I felt. We have two very different ways of handling our emotions, but I can’t control what she thinks of me. If someone in real life finds the blog and brings it up, you can either talk about it with them or just change the subject and then go password protect or go private or reappear altogether in another form. Since you are a teacher, you’re really in the public eye.

  8. I am terrified of someone I know stumbling upon my anonymous blog, but it could definitely happen. But I would be so sad if I had to close down shop and not write anymore, so I would most likely start up a new anon blog.

  9. I think that this space is yours. Honestly, if you start another blog, find another url, it will be found somehow … there’s no such thing as absolute privacy on a public network. But there is such thing as allowing ourselves to feel victimized in that public space, and defending the space as ours.

    I’m sorry that this has happened to you, and that you have been hurt … it’s not fair that you felt violated here. But we can’t let people take these spaces away, either. Not if they really matter. *hug*

  10. I’m really sorry that you feel vulnerable, exposed. I assume that the person might see this, and I hope as a result will understand you (and this space) better – that you’re being brutally honest about your feelings, in an attempt to both understand them, and perhaps change them – or at least be able to deal with them. That’s a perfectly admirable approach for this space, and I don’t think you should feel forced to change it.

    Of course, if you do start up elsewhere, there are ways in this community to publicise that (rather than emailing everyone). Those who are here genuinely because we enjoy your approach to working things out, or who want to support you through this, will find you.

    And if the real life people find you, and they might, well, I think it’s their choicewhat they do with that – in the same way that it is up to the person/people who have found you here to choose what they do with that information. It will show their character, their commitment to you as a friend. It’s an opportunity for them to invest in your relationship with them, rather than destroy it.

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