Pulling and pushing

I had a post up. It was a horrible tirade about how hard it is trying. I published it and went about my business. It felt good to get it out, but only kind of.

Then I remembered my promise to myself. I’m trying to focus only on the good, at least with the written and spoken word. I’m not dwelling on the bad right now. That was my promise to myself. So I took the first post down and I am writing another post, a different post, in which I celebrate all the good in my life right now. I don’t know if writing the first post and putting it up there negates what I’m doing here but I’m trying my best. It’s all I can do.

It’s summer break and I’m cherishing the time with my daughter right now, who I adore more than words can say.

My partner is being very supportive about having sex, even when he doesn’t want to. He’s also being very caring and understanding about how broken, and culpable, I feel about my body not cooperating.

We put another offer on a house and who knows, maybe this time they will accept.

Our parents are willing and able to help us with our house buying endeavors. We literally couldn’t do it without them.

I’m seeing three good friends this week, taking my first family-free vacation ever. And while I’m terrified that I will miss my daughter dreadfully, I know she’s in great hands with her grandparents and father. I’m also very much looking forward to all-adult time for five full days in row.

My writing classes are interesting and they challenge me to attempt a kind of creative expression I’ve never had the nerve to try before.

I still have hope for the future, even if it’s clouded in fear and doubt.

Wonderful women in my blogging community are pregnant right now and I’m truly happy for them. They give me hope and strength to keep trying.

So there you go. I’m pulling the negative and pushing the positive. This is my best attempt at putting light into the world. I hope it helps.

8 responses

  1. That is a lot of good things going on. You will find a house, and it’ll be the right house for you. Where are you going on vacation? That sounds like fun!

    And I may be totally overstepping here, but I’m a little worried that it is so hard for you both to have sex when you’re TTC. Is that the only time you are having sex during the month? And it’s still difficult? I would think in a healthy relationship, you’d want to do it more often than that. You didn’t say why exactly it is so hard for either of you, but if it is not a result of relationship issues I would wonder whether there’s a physical issue (ilke the pain you’ve had, or hormones). I know there is variation in how often couples have sex, but this seems like very little to me, for a couple who’s happy together. But anyway, if that’s normally fine for both of you when you’re not TTC, I guess you can just ignore my comment.

    • We do have sex more during the month. The reason it’s hard during “that time of the month” is the frequency. It’s hard just because we’re tired and it requires a lot of energy and time. It’s also painful for me because the scar tissue from my third degree tear gets irritated when we have sex. It usually heals after a day or two but if we have sex three or four days in a row it doesn’t have time to heal and gets increasingly irritated. I’ve been going to pelvic floor physical therapy and working on it at home for over four months but it was a big tear and there is a significant amount of scar tissue so it will probably always cause me problems. That is why it’s so hard to have sex four or five times on five days.

      • Esperanza, just jumping in here to say that you probably shouldn’t have sex every day when you’re trying to conceive. I’ve seen study results that show that you’re more likely to conceive if you do it every second day – it gives the sperm time to mature, and conception rates actually fall if you increase frequency and have sex daily. Seems counter-intuitive doesn’t it?

        I know too that when you feel you have to have sex, it is a lot less sexy than just feeling that you want to have sex, so I can understand your and your husband’s situation.

  2. I want to congratulate you on a lovely list. And the fact that you pulled a negative list, and replaced it with a positive, shows some real will-power! Bravo for you!

    I also hope you have a fabulous holiday with your friends. Your little girl will feel very grown up, and I hope you can really relax and have fun. I’m sure you will. Oh, and remember to sleep in. (I’m a great believer in the restorative value of sleep, and its importance when it comes to mood).

  3. You feel what you feel – the eddies of light and dark are all part of the whole. Sometimes you have to let out the dark to make room for the light. All this to say… I appreciate very much your pull towards the light – I need more of that, myself – at the same time, if this blog is a safe place to release that dark, then release it if you need to.

    i guess I should respect what you want to do with this space though and not tell you what I think you should do with it!

    Maybe what I’m trying to say is that I personally will not stop reading or stop caring about you or being your blog-friend if you vent out your darkness here.

    On another topic – FWIW, earlier this year my husband and I went 4 months without having sex, and while I did feel like it was a long time, our relationship was just as strong through that time as it was when we were first married and doing it much more often. Perhaps stronger.

    I am reminded too of the struggle we faced while trying to conceive our first, and the demand of having frequent, timed sex – it can be really difficult even without the pain from an old injury. I hope the therapy helps.

  4. I agree with Elizabeth. I read your first post and was going to reply but you pulled it before I could…I think you are doing a great job trying to focus on the positive, it is very hard work & you should be proud of yourself for managing to keep it in mind during tough times. But don’t beat yourself up or apologize if you need to come here to vent/release some of the darker stuff. Also, i think Mati is right about every other day. Our RE told us that & it worked for us (but maybe it was because we had a sperm motility/morphology issue?)

  5. I read your first post too, and again, I am so sorry things are so hard right now. This is a great list of positives thought- keeping my fingers crossed that things work out with the house if that’s what is meant to be, and I hope you have an amazing vacation and are able to relax and escape your struggles for a few days.

  6. TTC is hard. But am glad you are trying to stay positive. I got no advice on the ttc front as i am riding the same boat. I got to check how the stars aligned when we made D, seems like nothing we do is good enough to make another one. Hugs n love.

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