I know I’ve already stepped back a bit from this space, but I was still reading and commenting, at least when I could.
I’m writing to say I need to step back even further right now. I got two pieces of good news this morning, wonderful news really, and I’m so happy for the women and their miraculous surprises, and want very much for them to have happy endings. And I know it is complicated and they feel those complications mixed in with their happiness and I understand and respect that absolutely.
I think I will have my happy ending one day too, I really do. But right now, I just need to step away for a bit. I have to. I walked away from Twitter and I think it has helped tremendously. I think right now I need to walk away from reading and commenting. I just need space for myself, as I try to protect this okay place I’m working so hard to be in. This space where I don’t feel so broken.
I’ve never walked away from reading blogs before. Never in the last three years. But it feels like the right thing to do right now, if only for a week or two. I just need to gather my thoughts and find a foundation for my feelings.
I’ve realized that so much of the pain I feel surrounding TTC is not even about how long it takes to get pregnant, but about how we’ve had to go about the whole thing, about how it’s all been a negotiation and the fact that there is bitterness and resentment bubbling under the surface of our efforts. Most of that negativity belongs to me and I need to let it go. I had this fairy-tale idea of building my family, where we both wanted it to so much and we dove head first into the idea of it with as much enthusiasm as trepidation, and after we’d had our first miracle we were eager to have another. But it wasn’t anything like that. It can never be like that for us. There will never be surprise pregnancy announcements in this house because it’s not how my partner does things. Because it’s not what he wants.
Sure it’s hard actively trying and failing. Sure it’s hard feeling broken in some way. But really what hurts is just the attitude, the work, the compromise, the constant reminder that nothing happened the way I wanted it to. Nothing. Not even when we started to try. Not even how we started to try.
And I know so many women have given up so much more of their family building dreams, some have had to put them aside entirely. I know I still get to do so much, like get pregnant having sex, in my bedroom, without the assistance of a medical team of any sort. I know I get to be pregnant and have a child. I don’t EVER take for granted what I do get to have, because in the end it really is all that matters, or all that should matter.
I’m a spoiled girl who is used to getting what she wants. And not having this, the most sacred parts of my life go the way I planned, having it leave a stain on my relationship with my partner, is hard. I need to let it go and I need some time away from this space to do it. So I won’t be writing here and I won’t be reading and I’m sorry if that makes me selfish, but I have to do it for my own piece of mind.