My temperature plummeted today, which means my hormones levels are readjusting themselves at an alarming rate, which means there is a biological reason for me feeling as out of control as I do. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

This cycle was a total mindfuck. I’m not saying that to complain, I’m just stating a fact. I really truly thought I was pregnant, so much so that even after all the BFNs I still held out hope. And yet this morning I wasn’t surprised to the see the low temp. And yet I was still a little devastated. Hope is an endlessly tiring thing.

I have come to an important conclusion in the past few days: Depression and being home with a toddler do not mix well. They can be a panic inducing combination. The summer, something I used to look forward to with such enthusiasm, is suddenly an infinite stretch of time I can’t fathom surviving. And it’s not that I don’t want to be with my daughter, I do, but this depression, and the anxiety that comes with it, are making it hard for me to see what’s real and what’s not. I keep telling myself that I can get through this, and when I’m in the middle of the days it is doable, but the mornings, the waking up and the getting out of bed, is so hard. I find myself hyperventilating a little, just at the thought of it. I’m fairly certain Mi.Vida thinks I’ve lost my mind.

But being outside, and being with Isa (when she’s not melting down), do good things for me. I’m hoping that, as I move away from this mindfuck of a cycle, as I move toward the next try, as I start my writing classes, as I visit my friends, as I spend time in the sun, as I invest small moments in myself, as I read some good books, as I just slow down and take stock, I will get better. And if I don’t by my birthday, I will take more concrete steps to remedy this situation. I don’t deserve to be this miserable. I deserve to enjoy the life I have, and I will do what I need to do to achieve that.

4 responses

    • I want to wait for a month because I feel my current circumstances, which are less stressful than they have been, might be enough to make me feel better in and of themselves. And I would rather avoid exposing my hopefully-achieved pregnancy from exposure to medication unless absolutely necessary. If things don’t get better after a few weeks, then I’ll be prepared to take the necessary steps. Maybe I’m being foolish in waiting, but it’s what feels right for me.

  1. I’m worried about you. I don’t know what to say other than I am so, so sorry things are so crappy right now and you’ve fallen back into depression. I hope as the summer progresses you can find joy in spending time with your daughter and doing some things for you. Big Hugs.

  2. I don’t know about you but when I was temping way back when, before IVF was our only choice, all I know is that it seriously messed with my head. Given your current head space (which is a swirling black cloud) I think you need to put the temp gauge away as it is one less stress you do not need (truth be told I also have an inherent dislike of pee sticks or anything that is going to give me bad news).

    The thing with TTC is that it is always going to mess with you so you need to find ways that will help control your stress levels rather than contribute to them and if you find them please let me know. Like the commenter above I must admit to being worried about you. Having stalked in the past and only becoming a more regular reader recently I am very much a concerned bystander. Depression is not a nice place and worse still when you know you are there and feeling helpless to do anything about it. Please keep using this space as a way of trying to overcome it and also know that we are reading and hoping for only the best outcomes for you.

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