Holed Up

I’m here, holed up in my classroom because I don’t want to go to the staff room and see the woman that I made cry. I just can’t do it, not today. Not on a Monday.

So I figured, since I don’t have anyone to talk to, I’d write a blog post. Because, what else am I going to do? (Don’t say pack my room. Please.)

My cycle is all fucked up again. In fact, it’s almost temperature for temperature the same as last cycle. I’m pretty positive that this saw tooth pattern in my FP indicates something is amiss. It may be subtle but it’s probably enough to fuck up my already low chances of getting pregnant. I wish more than anything I could talk to someone who knows BBT charts, who could counsel me and guide me, who could explain why this might be happening to me, who could tell me everything is going to be okay. But even if I could find that person I couldn’t afford her.

I just wanted this cycle to be normal again. I didn’t need to get pregnant, I just needed the hope that I could conceivably get pregnant sometime in the not-too far future. That’s all.

Of course, I could be taking steps to help my body out. I could be cutting out poison like Diet Coke (I only have one or two of these a week, I promise) or wheat and gluten, which definitely seem to gum up the works. But honestly, I just can’t right now. As Mi.Vida put it, I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to make sacrifices like that. When everything else feels so shitty, I need to take comfort in the three meals I get to eat a day. I need that Diet Coke to make the drive home manageable. And honestly, I don’t have the money either, because eating that way is expensive. At least it is when you hate to cook.

I can’t even afford my counselor right now, which is fine I guess since she’s suddenly gone AWOL. Probably dealing with the pregnancy she refuses to disclose (why does this piss me off so much?!). Mi.Vida was supposed to have a phone session with her early last week but she canceled. He’s also supposed to see her this coming weekend when our Brit friends are in town, (AGAIN-GOD HELP ME!). I guess we’ll see if that gets canceled too. She was supposed to text me weeks ago to make an appointment but hasn’t. I have to admit, I’m mad at her. I feel like I’ve been cast aside right when I need her most. I guess I’ll have to talk to her about it at my next session. That will be awkward, no?

Mi.Vida and I are in such a sorry state right now. Neither of us is in any position to bolster the other up. We’re both so fucking down in the dumps, but at least we’re being gentle with each other. If neither can buoy the other, at least we can be with each other in that dark, underwater place we find ourselves, until one of us can gather the energy to help the other upward, toward the tentative rays of hope.

That is how I feel right now, underwater, deeply so, in the dark blue and gray abyss. I can see the sunlight pushing through every once in a while, but mostly it’s just dark and quiet. I know I have a long way to go before I sink to the bottom, but I also know the effort it will take to reach the top is way beyond my limited capabilities. So I just float here, waiting for my breath to run out, waiting for the depths to get it over with and drown me.

Remember that Smashing Pumpkins album Melancholy and Infinite Sadness? That title keeps popping into my head lately.

Jesus Christ I don’t want to teach today. I don’t want to stand in front of a bunch of middle schoolers who couldn’t give less of a crap about how I’m feeling or giving me a break. They are nuts right now. It’s raining outside. There are eight school days left and they are going to be crazy. And I’m going to be incapable of handling them in any kind of decent way. And then we’ll all be miserable. Fuck, teaching sucks. I need to get out of this profession like yesterday.

I’m sorry to dump all this vitriol all over your day. I really, really am. I just don’t know what else to do. I really don’t.

 

6 responses

  1. i wish i could give you a hug, i wish i could say something to cheer you up. I will chant for you. I swam in those dark waters too and wont wish it upon even my biggest enemy.

  2. I just want to give you a big hug now too. I wish that things were easier for you so that each disappointment or hardship didn’t land in the pile of other worries. The sadness may feel infinite, but it won’t be.

  3. I know I’m late to this, and now I’m really sorry I didn’t comment on the “I made someone cry” post. Because when I read your original blog post title, I was bracing myself for something shocking. And then I read what you said. And could NOT believe that woman cried over what you said. It sounded to me as if she wanted to make it all about her, when you said something perfectly reasonable, when you were obviously upset. Either that or she is going through something herself, which is no excuse for taking it out on you. I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of, or embarrassed about. She’s the one who should be embarrassed and ashamed of her over-reaction. Good grief!

    Anyway, I’m so glad you and your man are being gentle with each other. Sometimes that’s all you can do. Until it gets better. Because it will.

  4. I kind of agree that the woman who cried must have had other things going on. You’re not a bad person, or a mean person. I’m sorry you’re going through such a dark, sad place. Hope it helps that your bleeps are thinking of you 🙂

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