A Return to My Roots

It’s Monday evening after the long weekend that kicks off the summer. I should be rejuvenated, ready to start the week but the opposite is true. These past four days have been incredibly intense. We hosted a family of four (my friends from London) at my parents house (my parents stayed at our apartment in the city). I thought it was going to be a collaborative weekend where we all pitched in and made things happen but instead Mi.Vida and I ended up buying and preparing food for–and then cleaning up after–four adults and three kids for four days. The almost five year old kept wetting the bed and my friends didn’t want him in pull-ups because they’re “trying to potty train him”. Um, that’s great but I have to clean and launder his whole sleeping set up EVERY MORNING and it takes forever and is a huge drain on resources. Finally I basically demanded they put him in pull-ups and bought a pack for them (SO EXPENSIVE!). The last night he peed so much he still got everything wet, even through the pull-up! I can’t believe they are/were planning on just letting him wet every bed he’ll be sleeping in for the next two weeks. I also let them borrow the brand new car seat from my mom’s car not knowing their daughter gets motion sickness. She’s already puked all over it three times. It will be wrecked by the time they get back from the next two week road trip and I’ll have to get my mom a whole new car seat. So much for being generous, welcoming and kind.

It was a fun weekend, but it’s always hard to share limited space with other parents who deal with their children very differently than you do. It was incredibly challenging but a good time.

So I spent my whole weekend having my period and dealing with that emotional fallout of that, while putting on a brave face for my friends. It was a really rough period too, I was passing a lot of tissue, which I never do. This whole cycle was so wonky, with the weird temps in the first half, my shorter than usual LP and my really crampy, heavy (for me) menstrual cycle. Needless to say I’m glad it’s over and I’m ready to just get on with the next one.

I know I said I wouldn’t be writing about my cycle this go around but I don’t think I can do it. What I can do is minimize my TTC-related posts to once a week. Once a week I can come on here and vent about my cycle, my temperatures, my CM (or lack thereof). I’m not limiting myself to once a week for you all (more on that in a minute) but for myself. My sincere hope is that if I write about it less here, I’ll think about it less in real life. Not sure if that is how it will work but I want to give it a try.

I was writing recently to a bloggy friend who told me she stopped reading my blog because of my current focus on TTC. I totally understand her doing this, in the past eight months I have stopped reading many a blog that turned TTC (or, the ever popular: surprise, I randomly got pregnant without even trying!) I just couldn’t read those posts when I wanted to be trying but was instead sitting on a counselor’s couch trying to mend my relationship. And I totally understand anyone who doesn’t want to read about it here. I mean, let’s face it, even if you aren’t bothered by a TTC blog, they are boring as all hell (no disrespect to anyone, but they are – it’s the same thing every month and none of it is positive). No one should have to subject themselves to that shit day in and day out, possibly for months. Especially if the whole subject triggers PTSD of some kind. I mean, I get it. I REALLY DO.

It’s funny, I was excited to blog during TTC this time, as I missed that chance my last go around. The only place I could rely on for support were the Fertiliy Friend boards but they just didn’t cut it for me. By the time I ended up here, almost a year after I’d started trying and months after my ectopic, I was pregnant within a month. This time I was going to have people to help me through it. This time I wouldn’t feel so alone.

But it’s not turning out that way, and I totally understand why. I was naive to think it would happen differently. Being TTC#2 in this community is hard enough. Being TTC#2 when you’re not even infertile is a whole other über-complicated issue. And being TTC when none of your readers are, well, it’s isolating.

For a while there I tried to leave because I didn’t want to focus on how alone I felt here. But then I realized that I needed to write, for me, to get it out, to exorcise that shit. I don’t think about TTC all the time (although I’m sure it seems that way) but it does consume a significant portion of my thoughts and I need a place to process how I’m feeling. This will be that place, and I’ve accepted that I am blogging for myself again, just like I was back when I was TTC after my loss, when hardly anyone read and very, very few commented. I kept writing then and I’ll keep writing now. But my focus has changed. This place is primarily for me again. I feel very differently about this space now than I did six months ago.

I also notice I feel differently about the other blogs I read. I’m not as inclined to comment now that I feel this piece of my life isn’t (currently) about community or support. I don’t find myself wanting to reach out as much. I’m kind of pulling back, keeping my distance, protecting myself, as it were. And that is fine. Our reasons for blogging grow and change. I’ve accepted that.

I’ll continue to blog at my new space. I’m chronicling our house search there, for better or worse. I might have another project in my sights–I just need to make sure I have the resources to pull it off.

Right now I have a lot of things looming, the final weeks of the school year, packing my classroom, surviving another cycle, accepting that one after is most likely a bust, giving Mi.Vida space to work on his issues and hoping when he’s done we can work on ours, losing some weight (my jeans suddenly don’t button anymore), not completely succumbing to the encroaching depression. You know, fun stuff, all of it.

And this space will get me through it. It’s nice to have this space be for me again. It really is.

12 responses

  1. I don’t think you should be apologising for blogging (about TTC or anything else for that matter), if it works for you. People will read or they won’t. I’m reading! I remember the torture of ttcing – and I remember having support during it on a messageboard. If you can get some of the same support here, well then that’s great.

    As for your guests, I just have to scream. Argh! I can say that we had friends visit us in Bangkok, at our invitation, and they used us so completely as a hotel that … well … we’re not friends anymore. In my (then) non-assertive way, I didn’t say anything. Almost 20 years on, I wish I had.

    • Oh, and if it helps, your friends aren’t the only ones with terrible timing. My brother/sister-in-law visited his parents a few years ago, when they were “sleep training” the youngest, and let him cry all night. My poor in-laws – in their 80s, with all that noise and stress!

  2. If it helps you any I’m perpetually TTC. 🙂

    I cannot imagine being so oblivious as your guests have been. I hope you had lots of booze around because I’d need it.

  3. I’m with Mali — ultimately, this IS your space & always has been. No need for apologies, at least to me. ; )

    I sympathize about the house guests. Several years ago, one of my best friends from high school was taking a cross-country trip with her two daughters, then ages 11 & 14. I told her “stay as long as you like.” MISTAKE. They stayed four days. The only other people who have stayed with us longer than that are my parents, & I don’t think we’d had kids staying with us before. My dh was not particularly happy to have them there, which added to the tension. The girls were constantly bickering and talking back to their mother. They slept on a foldout couch in the living room, next to the kitchen — it’s a small house, which meant we had to skip breakfast and sneak out of the kitchen to get to work while they were there. They did cook dinner one night & take us out another night, and washed the sheets before they left.

  4. Hm…. interesting. Because I’m a newer follower of yours, I didn’t realize that you were never really a TTC blog before and didn’t have that type of followers. I didn’t start my blog as a TTC one…it just took so damn long to get pregnant that it ended up that way, and I’d estimate that at least 2/3 of my readers are IFers now. At any rate, it doesn’t bother me to read about your TTC at all, and when we try for #2, I sure hope people continue to support me as well!

    UGH about the house guests. What crapola. There is something to be said for good manners, isn’t there?

  5. Your blog is your blog- whether you want to write about how blue the sky is one day, the dirt on your rug, or TTC. No need for apologies. And I am also TTC right now (have been for two years).

    Sorry about your friends. That sucks. Hopefully they feel bad for the puking and the peeing…

  6. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I’ve been struggling with the same thing – when I started my blog, it was about parenting and marriage and not TTC. The nature of blogging about TTC is so much focusing on minutia, it’s hard to imagine it would be interesting to anybody, least of all readers who are done building their families. But I think the reality is people get it. They’ve all been there. And hey, I’m right there with you, so that’s one interested reader at least.

    Also, did your guests even offer to wash the sheets themselves? At bare minimum, that would’ve been nice. But it’s hard to imagine the logic of the sheets and the carseat, in any case.

  7. I think that there are a lot more TTC readers out there than you suspect (even if I am done) … and I also think that you’ll get more support than you think, especially if you’re writing about what is hard for you. I’m glad that you’re back here, for you.

  8. First of all, I would be SO embarrassed if that was my kid wetting the bed every night and my host was having to clean the sheets. So inconsiderate- I’m sorrry you had to deal with that. And not to mention poor kid sleeping with soaked sheets every night- obviously he’s not ready!

    You write as much or as little about TTC as you want- we will all be here to support you. This is your space, your therapy, so use it as much as you wish.

  9. I am going to politely disagree that TTC blogging isn’t boring simply because people aren’t boring (mostly on account that they’re people) and TTC is part of your life. So… I’ll keep reading as much as you write about it. I read you because you’re you. Not because of what is happening in your world.

    That said, I know there are parenting differences between all people and the child can’t help peeing in the bed, but the parents could take protective measures! Bring a waterproof sheet with you, for instance. Offer to do the laundry. I was exhausted on your behalf just reading about the weekend.

  10. Ugh, those houseguests sound like a complete nightmare!
    I enjoy reading the posts about ttc. We’re not currently ttc since my cycle is MIA due to the domperidone, but we will be again in the next year I imagine (since we will have at least another two years before we can start the adoption process again). Of course, I truly hope this turns from a ttc blog to a pregnancy blog before too long :).

  11. I have a lot of sympathy around you feeling drained by your houseguests. Our lives are all about sacrifice and sublimation and doing things for others, so to be burdened like you were, well, I’d be annoyed. I think you should tell them to book a hotel for when they come back. I mean, enough is enough.

    And you know I would read you even if you started writing about your newfound obsession with dung beetles. 😉

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